Different. Wrong. Abnormal. Words that describe how I have felt most of my life.
The struggle to feel right, or normal. Always, every day, in every circumstance, I felt different, somehow wrong inside. I never fit in anywhere. I didn’t belong. I was just small when someone did things to me they should not have done and told me not to tell and something inside of me shifted sideways and I never again felt what most people want to feel. Normal, right, okay…whatever words you want to use, I never felt any of them. I still don’t, but most people wouldn’t know it. It’s like walking around with a low-grade fever all the time. You’re the only one who knows there’s something wrong.
I never understood it, never knew what it was, I just knew it was there. It was how I lived my life. And it wore me out. But God knew and God cared so He reached out and touched something and it all came rushing out like dirty water. It came rushing out and when it did He named it shame and I knew, just knew, He was right.
And because He is good He had begun preparing me before any of this surfaced. He laid my eyes on Psalm 139:14 and something in me caught its breath as He asked me “when did it stop being true?”. I was still turning it over and over in my hands and in my head days later when the rushing like dirty water came up and out.
“I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
…and I knew the words I had laid my eyes on were a sword I was going to have to pick up. Because it cuts through shame and it severs the lie right out of any heart that is willing to believe with a let-go-and-fall-back kind of trust. Because it never stopped being true, not for a moment. Not before, and not after the thing that broke something inside of me. Nothing I did and nothing that was done to me turned Psalm 139:14 into a lie. Nothing.
fearfully. yare’. ‘in a wonderful manner’, or ‘wonderfully’…
wonderfully made. palah. ‘to be distinct, be separated, be distinguished, to be set apart. To be wonderful’.
(And I laugh as I see ‘wonderfully made to be wonderful’, and then I try not to cry as I hear Him whisper…)
“Beloved, you have wonderful all over you.”
(And you should laugh and then try not to cry because He’s talking about you and not just me.)
I am a work of God and therefore I am wonderful, and I will say it and say it until it rings true in my heart. Because wielding the sword is not done well unless it is done often. Over and over, until the lie is dead and truth lives in its place.
I will praise Him for what He has made.
I don’t know what you are dealing with or what broke something inside of you. I don’t know if you carry shame or if it is something else that makes you feel somehow wrong inside. I don’t know what lies you are believing.Not good enough Not pretty enough Not smart enough Unlovable It’s all your fault Not normal Unacceptable Failure Tainted Used Wrong Bad Stupid Broken Too much Too little And it all goes down easy. We take it in and live our lives by it and never break a sweat. A lie is spoken and it sounds just right to us so we take it and claim it and we let it call the shots.
But the truth is turned over in our hands, peered at from every angle, almost with suspicion. And when finally we choose to believe that truth, it’s hard and we weep because we want so badly to believe it and it’s probably true for others but not for me, but we must choose. We must, no matter how hard, no matter how suspicious it seems, we must choose to let go and fall back into ‘fearfully and wonderfully‘ made. Because we want to be free.
Our hearts can easily memorize a lie but must work hard to remember truth and this is life in a fallen world.
It takes great effort to live by the truth.
Over and over…until you know this full well…
You are a wonderful work of God.
“For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.”