Category Archives: Marriage

Marriage Matters—What Have You Learned?

“Lord, what have I learned about marriage over all these years?”

Loaded question potential right there.

His answer could be either “not nearly enough” or “quite a lot.” But what I heard back wasn’t either of those answers.

The question isn’t “how much have you learned”, but “how much do you obey what you’ve learned?”

*head goes back* Ugh.

Fine. But for the purpose of this blog post, I’m going to stick to what I’ve learned and we can all just assume I don’t always have stellar follow through. Fair?

And He said to all, “If anyone would come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me. (Luke 9:23)

Self-denial is the life of a Christian, but it is practiced most vigorously in the context of marriage. In the beginning it doesn’t really feel like dying, you know? When all you want is the happiness of this wonderful creature who now shares your bathroom. And then.

One day you realize they are insanely messy with no rhyme or reason to the way they live their life on the daily, and have an “I’ll get to it when I get to it” code for life. They never turn off lights, have the sleep schedule of a toddler, prefer to talk in partial sentences and let you figure out the rest, and would live on “something snacky” if you let them. And if you tell them they can’t do something it’s a sure thing they’ll do that thing, even if they don’t really want to do that thing. Because, don’t tell them what to do. Besides all that, what makes them laugh one day makes them cry the next day, and you don’t know what day it is, ever (all of that is me, by the way. all me.).

Those are the more lighthearted things my husband has learned about me. There are more, less lighthearted, that we’ve both learned about one another. Things that broke us. Hurt us. Almost ended us.

And this is where the dying begins in earnest. Where the forgiveness, grace, humility, and bearing with one another that the bible talks about becomes the fork in the road. Follow Jesus, or do it our own way. One brings life, the other brings death.

Marriage has taught me how to be kind when I don’t want to be kind. How to swallow my pride and apologize for my snarky tone of voice that they clearly deserved. How to forgive even the egregious, because I was forgiven by Jesus and have no other leg to stand on.

The statement “marriage is hard” is such an understatement. But so is “marriage is good.” Both are true at the very same time, because while we make it hard, God made it good.

Every lesson I’ve learned about following Jesus, I’ve learned in the context of marriage. And one of the most shameful things I discovered is that I was a way better Christian to other people than I was to my husband. Oof. That was hard to admit, but I know I am not the only one who can say it and hopefully by going first, someone else will find the courage to admit it so that it can change.

God has taught me more through marriage than I could ever convey on this page. Surprisingly, or maybe not, is that He has used marriage to teach me more about Himself than about me, or my husband. I’ve learned that He is everything I need. That He is so very good. Faithful. Patient. Full of grace and generous with compassion, and powerful enough to change hearts and minds that we could never have changed on our own.

Think about it…

? What is the hardest thing you’ve learned through marriage?

? What is the best thing you’ve learned through marriage?

? How are you doing at obeying what you’ve learned?

Marriage Matters—Fight Well

Learn how to fight, not with your spouse, but for your spouse and for your marriage.

Scripture is clear that our spouse is not our enemy.

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities,

against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Ephesians 6:12

It is so important that we understand who is really coming against our marriage, and where our battles must be fought. We must learn to take our fight into the spiritual realm through prayer.

Your marriage is meant to glorify God, which makes it a continual target for destruction by the enemy. Therefore, covering your marriage in prayer is imperative. Praying every day for (not against) your spouse is a good place to start. The same things that come against you, are coming against them.

One of the most practical ways I pray for my spouse is by asking God for the fruit of the Spirit to grow in abundance in both myself and my spouse.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” – Galatians 5:22

 Fruit must be grown. It never just appears. Be faithful in prayer, because God is faithful to answer.

We will have arguments and disagreements with our spouse, but our real fighting, the place we exert the most combative energy, should be done through prayer. That’s how we actually win the fight.

Marriage Matters—Honor

In the beginning, we do things simply because we know it will make our spouse happy. We want to please them, so we listened attentively to their stories and laughed at their jokes. We cooked their favorite meals, wore that shirt they liked, and put the toilet seat down. Because in the beginning, we did things with them in mind.

But life happens and if we aren’t watchful, we stop honoring our spouse. We start doing things with us in mind instead of them. The shift can be subtle, but it packs a punch.

Kids can create another shift, because kids are consuming. They can, if you let them, take over a marriage. Life will revolve around the children to such a degree that you are no longer husband and wife, you are only mom and dad. This isn’t good for your kids or your marriage.

So, today:

Think of one thing you can do that will make your spouse happy. Clean the house before they get home. Watch the game on tv with them. Put the toilet seat down. Laugh at their joke, even if you’ve heard it a million times. Just do one thing, one thing that will honor them. One thing that will put them first. Tomorrow, rinse and repeat.

Remember the beginning. Remember the feelings you had for your spouse, and why you fell in love with them. Remembering is like blowing on an ember to bring it back to a flame. Get your spouse back on your mind.

Save some time and energy for your spouse. If your kids’ activities are consuming, then cut them back. Children need to see their parents spending time together, and having fun together, even if it means the kids don’t get to play every sport or go to every event. You are their example of marriage, so let them see that marriage is about loving your mate, putting them first, and doing things simply because it will make them happy. Let them see honor.

Repent. Go to your spouse, apologize for your part in what has happened, and commit yourself to them again. Yes, I know they’ve shifted too. I know they are just as self-consumed as you are. I know they don’t think about your happiness all that much either. But playing the ‘you-go-first’ game never ends well. Waiting for them to wake up and smell the coffee means nothing will ever change. You’re here. You’re reading this, so, tag, you’re it.

Perhaps the problems in your marriage are so overwhelming that you can’t see how any of this can help. Maybe it won’t fix everything. Maybe you’ll have to push past a lot of resentment in order to do any of it. So push. Take the small step. Because not doing it means nothing will change. In fact, not doing it means things will likely get a lot worse.

And doing it defeats what the enemy is trying to do to your marriage.

Marriage Matters—Remember

It’s so easy to forget. When the warm glow of “just married” turns into the “iron sharpens iron” of everyday life together, we forget two important truths about our spouse.

They’re human…

Weak. Broken. Flawed. Perhaps still carrying wounds from a less than ideal childhood. Prone to doing what they know better than to do. Sometimes (maybe more times than just sometimes) they are self-centered and self-serving. They walk in pride, or maybe it’s shame. They have bondages yet to be broken. They don’t always play nice with others.

Basically, they’re just like us, and God remembers that.

“As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him; for He knows how we are formed, He remembers that we are dust.” Psalm 103:13-14

Who they really are…

In the heat of a moment of stress and frustration, it’s easy to forget who we are really married to.

We forget they were created in the image of God and He loves them completely. If they are saved, then we are married to a new creation in Christ, still being sanctified. If not, then they are someone God desires to draw near, someone He wants.

To us, they may be the person who is making life difficult or at least driving us crazy with frustration.

But to God, they are the reason He gave His Son up to crucifixion.

Don’t forget to remember. Take a step back. Show mercy. It can make a difference.

Marriage Matters—Criticism

One of the most difficult things for me to do in my own marriage is to not try to change my husband. I used to fool myself into thinking I was pointing out flaws, or correcting him for his sake, but that just isn’t true. I’m doing it to make me more comfortable with who he is. The truth is, my correction (criticism) rarely has the desired outcome. It makes him defensive, not compliant, because he, just like me, is human and humans balk at being changed by someone through critical words.

Only God can truly change us, change our hearts so that our behavior and our thinking changes. I remember the day I learned this lesson (a lesson I am still struggling to learn well!). It was the day God spoke something to me that cleared up any misconception I had that I was doing something good by pointing out my husband’s flaws and mistakes.

“I have a Holy Spirit, and you are not Him.”

It is not easy to just let someone, especially someone we share life with, to just be who they are. But we must be honest enough with ourselves to realize that we need to change just as much as they do, and then we have to turn our attention back to God, the One who changes a person without criticism. I promise you, life with your spouse will get much easier, more peaceful, and more fun if you will stop trying to do what only God can do.

“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:3-5)

Then there’s that.

Marriage Matters—Stop Apologizing

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who apologizes for the same thing umpteen times? (Umpteen is just shy of a gazillion, in case you were wondering.) After a while, their apology just doesn’t mean anything anymore.

I leave lights on. I enter a room, flip on the light, and for the life of me cannot remember to turn it off when I leave the room. So my husband, who pays the electric bill every month, is constantly asking me to turn off the light, which is my cue to say “Oh. Sorry.” and then go turn the light off. It may seem like the cute routine of an old married couple, but it occurred to me just recently (hours ago) how flippant my “Oh sorry” must seem to him. Like just words I say on cue, but don’t really mean.

Because if I really was sorry, I’d start turning the lights off.

Lights are a small thing in light (no pun intended) of some of the issues that many couples deal with. Someone somewhere has apologized to their spouse one too many times for their infidelity. For their wild spending habits. For their inattention. For their hurtful words, bad temper, yelling, or too much drinking. For leaving the lights on again. But an apology that is given on cue, no matter what it’s for, still rings hollow after a while.

So, stop apologizing. Instead, do something about the behavior that you keep apologizing about. Make what is important to your spouse important enough to you to stop giving them hollow apologies.

And for crying out loud, turn the lights off.

Marriage Matters—What Are You Thinking?

A woman kissed her husband as he left for work, and then went about her day. As she did, her thoughts began to wander, and before she knew it she was thinking about something hurtful he had done last week. She replayed the incident in her mind throughout the day, and by the time her husband came home from work, her mood was very different than when he left that morning.  She was irritable, and eventually, it turned to anger. And neither of them understood what had happened.

Sound familiar? It does to me. For years I allowed my thought life to run the show, and not only did it make me miserable, it brought misery to my marriage.

 “You cannot have a positive life and a negative mind.” –  Joyce Meyer, Battlefield of the Mind: Winning the Battle in Your Mind

We cannot spend our day thinking negative thoughts about our spouse without it affecting how we treat them. Allowing our mind to dwell on all the reasons they are unlovable will not result in actions that display unconditional love. Our thoughts can lead us to be for our spouse, or against them. Much is won or lost in the place of our thought life.

Part of my problem all those years was that I was often unaware of my own thought life, unaware really, that my thoughts mattered all that much. And like many people, I was ignorant of the fact that my thoughts were something I could actually have control over.

But our thoughts do matter, and we can control them.

“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God,

and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” 2Corinthians 10:5

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure,

whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.” Philippians 4:8

 We have the ability to take control of our thoughts, or God would not have instructed us to do so. It takes awareness. It takes practice. It takes effort. It takes making a choice.

Today, choose to think about whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–whatever is excellent or praiseworthy about your spouse. Take every other thought captive.

Your thoughts matter. Think the ones worth thinking.