At the end of last year (day before yesterday doesn’t sound as good) I looked back and saw all that God had done in my life in 2014. It was good for me and helped alleviate some of the guilt of a life less lived. Today, I feel the need to do a little verbal processing, because I’m still restless. That means there’s something God wants to talk about. Don’t ask. It’s just how we roll.

Everywhere I go I hear or read about dreaming with God and it makes something inside of me twitch and question marks explode in my head. Does God dream? Does He wish for things He’s not sure He’ll ever get? No. That can’t be it. So then I must be the one with the dream. Does dreaming with God just mean that I tell Him all my hopes and wishes, followed by an awkward silence because He’s far too kind to laugh and say “good luck with that”?

Ok, now, see that last thing I did there? That’s called sarcasm and it’s very telling. It tells me – well first of all, it tells me I might have an attitude. But it also tells me there’s something going on in my heart that’s finding its way to the light. I don’t like this part. Never have. But I know God won’t let up so it’s better to just walk right out there into that light and throw it all down and get this party started.

I feel dreamless.

Yeah, that’s not true.

I’m afraid to dream.

That’s close to true but not all the way true.

Dreams feel like wishful thinking and I can’t handle the disappointment of wishful thinking.

Keep going.

I have dreams but I refuse to give them words because I have to protect my heart from being disappointed.

Why?

Because I don’t trust You with my dreams. I don’t trust You to not let me get disappointed.

{And this is where I say cuss words and get up from the table. Eat something or turn on the television. Maybe both. Probably both.}

But today I will stay here because it’s a new year and I don’t want to live less this year. I don’t want to walk through another year of days telling myself I have no dreams because that’s easier than being disappointed.

I will stay here in this place with God because not trusting Him is way worse than not having dreams. 

I’ll spare you the bulk of the conversation where I trot out every little thing my heart wants, only to find that they aren’t actually dreams, just things my flesh wants. Kind of like asking a six year old what she wants for her birthday and she blurts out “a unicorn, I want a unicorn!”. That went on for awhile.

After a bit of sifting, it comes to this…I want to marry what I love to do with what I am most passionate about. So I want to write, and I want what I write to minister to the Body of Christ. But the dream isn’t having a blog that I get to update once in awhile when I have time and energy.

The dream is to earn a living as a writer who writes to minister to the Church.

I want love, passion and provision to come together and be my dream team and it just feels like too much to ask. Like I’m dreaming for a unicorn. And then God leans in and whispers something from Ephesians.

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine…”

I know that today wasn’t really about the dream. It was about the fear. Because whether or not God allows the dream in my heart to become reality, I will only be disappointed if my hope was in the dream.

“Then you will know that I am the Lord; those who hope in Me will not be disappointed.” Isaiah 49:23

Today was about understanding that a dream and a hope are not the same. I am free to dream big, unicorn dreams with God.  As long as my hope stays anchored in Him and not the dream.

Verbal processing is exhausting. Thanks for listening.