I recently experienced a bit of a traumatic event, which I fully intend to blog about very soon. But it left me fearful and sent me into a seclusion of sorts, even from (especially from) God. So this morning I opened my bible and put on a worship song. And then I was on my knees.
“Here I am, down on my knees again, Surrendering all, Surrendering all…”I know. I’ve been here before. I thought “all” meant “all” the last time I surrendered all. So I want to apologize for this white flag, but I can’t. I’m too exhausted. Made weak by my own strength. I tried to buck up, suck it up, just move forward and move on. I wanted to be a big girl. A grown up. A warrior. Instead, here I am, down on my knees surrendering all. Again.
“Find me here, Lord as You draw me near, Desperate for You, Desperate for You”Are You surprised by my desperation? Shouldn’t I be out moving mountains and slaying darkness with confidence? Shouldn’t there be a bible study or sermon that took hold, preventing me from landing in this place, trying to bat away condemnation for being so desperate? For You. The One I have been avoiding, running from for days, maybe longer. Are You surprised, like me, that my desperation is for You?
“Drench my soul, as mercy and grace unfold, I hunger and thirst, I hunger and thirst”Don’t be thrifty. Not today. I need all You have to give. Mercy. For things done and undone. Said and unsaid. For the second guessing, the what if’s and the why’s. Mercy for the bruises left by my self-loathing. Mix it with Grace. Water that washes it all away, leaving me back on my feet but not far from my knees. I know. I should be full by now, because You have poured and poured and poured. But this is me. Panting, hands cupped like a beggar. Begging for more. And in the air around me a question hovers – “Why are you here, begging, again?”, and the implication reeks of shame.
Because I hunger. Because I thirst. Because I know that if I come, He will give. Because what He has never runs out.
“With arms stretched wide, I know You hear my cry, Speak to me now, Speak to me now.”I just need Your voice to say something, anything. Is that ok? Is it ok that my heart is hiding right now, and the only thing that will bring it out is Your voice? Is it ok that all of my desperation, all of my hunger, all of my flag waving on my knees surrender it all again comes down to “speak to me God. Please.”? And so I heard, finally. Because He had been speaking all along, but my heart had hands over my ears and my eyes shut tight because I have been afraid. But here on my scratchy carpet with the song playing from the little speakers attached to my old computer, the hands came down, and I discovered the real fear. The one I hadn’t named.
“I’m with you.”
Three words that spoke many more.
“I am here, not over there waiting for you to get over it. Peace is here, not around the corner waiting for you stop being afraid. Mercy is here, not over there waiting for you to feel bad enough, sorry enough, or anything enough. Grace is here, not waiting somewhere else for you to get stronger and braver. Love is still here. Right here. I am not mad at you, disappointed in you or finished with you. I am not waiting for you. I am with you.”
Thank You Jesus, for hearing my heart in the song. For knowing what to sing back to me.