if you want it…

“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

 

You want to be near My heart? Go where you find injustice. My heart will be there, waiting for you.    loose the chains of injustice

Are you looking for Me? Go to the oppressed. You’ll find Me there.  untie the cords of the yoke…set the oppressed free

You want My heart? Go to the naked and the poor. I am with them.   give to the poor, clothe the naked

Find someone who is hungry. I’ll be there.   share your food with the hungry

Find the sick, the tormented, the lost. My heart will be there with them.  Heal the sick, drive out demons…preach the good news

Look for those who aren’t following Me. Go. I’ll be there.  go and make disciples of all nations

 I am drawn to the broken, the hurting, the weak, and to the lost. I came for the sick, the dying, the desperate. I was found among the sinners and the despised, sent to the brokenhearted and the captives, to those held prisoner by darkness. My heart is with those who mourn and those who live in despair. You want My heart?

Come and get it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jeremiah 29:12; Isaiah 58; Matthew 10:8; Mark 16:15; Matthew 28:19-20; Proverbs 21:13, and many more. 

hey buddy…got a quarter?

“Then Peter said, “Silver or gold I do not have, but what I have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk.” Acts 3:6

I would have dug around for a quarter.

Ever been in one of those awkward prayer circles? You know the scene. At church on Sunday, Betty tells Susie of a certain (or very vague) struggle she’s having. Susie gets excited and says “wait here, I’ll be right back”, and indeed she does come “right back”, with 5 other women in tow, and you’re one of them.

Sometimes I stand in those circles, and it’s like me and God are just staring at each other, each waiting for the other one to say something. I’m waiting, straining to hear Him speak in case He’s whispering. Nothing. I start to get a little nervous because it’s a circle. That means the unwritten rule of “everyone has to pray when it’s their turn” goes into effect. If you try to skip your turn, an incredibly awkward silence will ensue and your neck will get really hot and your hands become all clammy. So you start begging God for something, anything that would be even a little sincere, but He just stares at you. And now, the person next to you is taking her turn and you’re literally screaming in your head, promising God all sorts of things if He will “JUST GIVE ME SOMETHING TO PRAY!”. And then it’s your turn, so you kick it into auto pilot and start praying “the right things to pray”, using your finely tuned grasp of the Christianese language. Finally it’s over and you can wipe your sweaty hands on your pants and go home and brood about God’s silence when you so desperately needed Him to give you something to pray so that you wouldn’t have to fake it. Again.

Ok, maybe that’s just me. Maybe this is why I am so desperate for the heart of God. Because I’m tired of giving people what I don’t have.

So this morning I opened my bible, put on some worship music, and came with great expectation of…something. I didn’t know what it would be, but I wasn’t going to leave until my heart tasted something.

Breakfast was served…

“That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked at and our hands have touched —this we proclaim concerning the Word of life. The life appeared; we have seen it and testify to it, and we proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and has appeared to us. We proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you also may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ.” 1John 1:1-3

“Then Peter said, “Silver or gold I do not have, but what I have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk.” Acts 3:6

“When the Counselor comes, whom I will send to you from the Father, the Spirit of truthwho goes out from the Father, he will testify about me. And you also must testifyfor you have been with me from the beginning.” John 15:26-27

They proclaimed what they had seen and heard from Him, they gave what they had been given by Him, and they testified because they had been with Him.

Being with Him, hearing Him, receiving from Him. It all spells intimacy, and when we have intimacy with Jesus, we have something to proclaim, something to give. It’s hard to pray in faith for someone else when my own spiritual life is bone dry. And it’s hard to proclaim, with believability, the power of God to someone else when your own life lacks that power. Try testifying about the peace of Christ when you are full of anxiety and fear.

I may have known His peace yesterday. Perhaps I prayed with incredible faith last year. Maybe I’ve heard His voice many, many times, just not lately. But it’s no longer then…it’s now. Intimacy with God is about today, not yesterday. Did I come to the well to drink deep of Him today? Did I gather His manna today? Or am I trying to stay alive with yesterday’s bread and water? (And by the way…is that all I want? To stay alive?)

I went to the well this morning, and He met me there with this –

“I want to meet with you every single day, as long as it’s called today. Because I love you, and I want you to know it. Today, not yesterday.

And because if all you have is a quarter in your pocket, no one is going to get up and walk.”

holy moments

I spent some time in worship the other night, alone in my living room with my (current) favorite worship songs, and the book of Revelation. Holy moments with God. Here is what it looked like as I wrote in my journal – 

“Majestic. Holy. Fire. With eyes that burn, You pull the cry of “Holy!” from everyone near You. All of heaven worships You. They see what I cannot, and their cry at what they see is “Holy!”. How can my cry of worship be anything other?”

Both during and after my time of worship, these words kept coming to me – “He is on His throne. Seated in the place of absolute sovereign power and authority.” And there are two sides to that coin.

God is the one enthroned in the place of power and authority. That means He determines beginnings and ends and in-betweens. Life and death are in His hands. Kings and rulers are lifted up and brought down by His hand. Times and seasons and all things uncontrollable…are controlled by Him, and Him alone. Like it or not, believe it or not, it is what it is. There is a God and He is on the absolute highest throne. There can be no coup. (It’s been tried. Didn’t end well.) It is His universe, created by Him, and for Him. There is none like Him. None before Him. He has always been, and will always be. He is surrounded by lightning and thunder, fire, and creatures not of this world, and all who are there are crying out “Holy, holy, holy”. Because He is God, and He is worthy of every holy moment of worship.

And yet…

He loved.
                     He came.
                                      He died.
So He could call me Beloved.

“What else is there to want? What more could I need? You are my God. All of my days I will live to seek Your face, to know Your heart. I want my whole life to cry out ‘Holy!'”

the heart that i want

I recently spent some time in the prayer room at my church, telling God that I wanted more. That could sound quite spiritual, except that I wasn’t sure what “more” I wanted. I only knew I have wanted it for quite some time now.

As I sat there, swaying to the worship music and running through all of the things one might want more of, I finally realized that it all really came down to one thing. I want more of Him. Not His power. Not even the sense of His presence. In that room (where His presence surely hovered), my longing received its name.

I want to be near His heart.

I had come to that room because people were gathered to pray, and I am a woman who loves prayer. But it didn’t take long for me to realize God was after something other than my prayers. He prodded until He got my heart to acknowledge the hunger for more. And the only thing I could think to say was “Why?”. I knew that if anyone could answer the question of my own longing, it would be Him, and I was right. He knew exactly why I have been longing for a place close to His heart.

Because I’ve been there before.

I lived near His heart for a season, learning to love someone who didn’t love back…and He resurrected a marriage from the grave.

I lived there learning to trust, believe and pray relentlessly for a daughter to find her way to Him…and He went after her and brought a prodigal back from the far country.

(Being near to the heart of God is to know the agony of love.)

You see, I’ve seen and I’ve tasted that God is good. I learned that when you draw close to His heart and live from that place, He does mighty things through you, for you, and in you.

I also learned that it is a fiery place, and getting close means something will get burned. And that is the dilemma of drawing near to a heart as fierce as His. Life and death both live there. Spirit grows strong in the heat of those flames, while flesh is consumed by that same heat.

I have been away long enough. Drawn to less intense places, I have tried to be satisfied with ministry, bible study, and various spiritual endeavors, as well as other things not so spiritual. They have all left me hungry.

Maybe deep down I thought I just wanted to know His heart for me. Don’t we all want that? But in that room, while others prayed, God met my hunger and extended His hand. It held His heart, but not just His heart for me.

For the woman in the corner, and the man laying face down on the floor. For the person who brings me pain, and the one I have ignored. For the bigot and the prostitute. For the muslim, the hindu and the atheist. For the spiritually poor and the spiritually proud. For the one who doesn’t love back. For His Church, with all of her flaws. For the nations of the earth. And I knew the question He was asking.

Is this the heart you want?

Yes. Yes it is. I know it is a fierce, fiery place, that heart of Yours. I know it will burn away the comfortable places in my own heart. I know it will mean coming out of the safety of hiding behind spiritual busy-work to be exposed, naked before You. It will demand the bravery to do what I’m afraid to do.

It will be hard, and it will be beautiful.

But I’m just too hungry to settle for less.

changing forevers

fishingIt was on a beach. Men doing what they do, what their fathers did, what their sons will do. Providing food for their families; making a living. And then God walked by with an invitation.

 “Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will make you fishers of men.”               (Matthew 4:19)

Their invitation is my invitation.  “Come with Me and take part in what I am doing. Stop spending your life on the temporary. You have eternal purpose, and your life can affect the ‘forever’ of other people.”

(My forever was changed because someone dropped their nets and followed Jesus.)

He could have done it alone. He could have fished for men until all who would be caught by grace were in, and then He could have brought this whole thing to the end. Alone. Without us.

Instead, He invited us into it with Him. Because He wants us with Him, doing what He does. Loving unlovable, forgiving, lifting lowly heads, and strengthening weak. Treating outcasts with honor, feeding hungry, healing sick. Fishing. Always fishing. Always wanting us in it with Him. Being hands doing divine work, feet going to the ends of the earth, hearts breaking for the broken, eyes looking with love. Changing forevers. Preparing a Bride.

Us with Him. Him with us. And then I hear the words that draw me deeper, higher, lower. All the way to my knees.  “Christ in you, the hope of glory”.

Christ, encountering those I encounter. The Holy One of God dwelling in me. Loving, forgiving, lifting lowly heads, strengthening weak. Honoring outcasts, feeding hungry, healing sick.

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me…” Galatians 2:20

Deeper living requires deeper dying and going higher means going all the way low.

This. It is His invitation to me. To you.

This. And more.

leave there. come here.

Look down. That’s my new thing. If I’m walking, I’m watching. For crickets. Or spiders the size of my fist. Or tiny lizardy things that are blazingly fast when you’re chasing them around your kitchen. I live in Texas now, so the way I do life has changed. I will never again go to Taco Bell when I want something mexican(ish). I am now free to say y’all, and to smile and say hi to everyone I see. Because über-friendliness isn’t weird down here, it’s just the way of life. So is slow driving, but I can only adapt to so much at one time. So I wave and smile as I pass everyone on the road. That’s about the best I can do right now.

If I pull back from my microscopic stare at my life, the view is dizzying. There came an invitation. Pack. Let go and just go. Leave known, go to unknown. Trust. Believe. Now go.

Illinois seems so far behind and at the same time just right over there. Texas is so present, yet elusive. I’m not back there, and not yet fully here. But God isn’t waiting for me to get acclimated. I feel His breath blowing on embers. I hear His deep calling to mine. Pray. Listen. Hear Me. Feel Me. Know Me. Come higher, go deeper.

On the surface, it may seem like just a location change. A few minor adjustments and life should just keep on keepin’ on. It could be true if my God did anything on a surface level. If His invitations were ever to ordinary. But that has never been the case. Ever.

His voice has been whispering to me in the quiet hours… “called is invited. look at the invitation. look closer at what you have been called to…see what I have invited you to.”

The Gospel is a bloody invitation to step from this life into another.

To undergo a radically altered existence. To live beyond ordinary, beyond self, beyond…here. It isn’t about inviting Jesus into our lives. It’s about dropping everything and running to Him to find life. It is His invitation to leave our lives to be with Him, and in being with Him, to become like Him.

We are those called by God. The invited ones. Not once invited, always invited. To more.

This is what I am compelled to explore. The calling of God. This continual invitation to leave there…come here. Come closer. Come higher. Come deeper. You have been invited to more than you think. 

 

to the church I’m leaving

I had been saved for four years, but had not been in a church yet. My prodigal husband had just returned to God. The service had already started when we walked into a little church, and peered through the closed sanctuary doors. I was shocked by what I saw. People clapping, hands raised, and, *gasp*, two women dancing in the aisle. I had heard about these kind of people, but had never actually encountered them. Like a child at the circus, I was mesmerized. And then my husband very calmly said “This is it. This is the one.”, followed quickly by my own voice saying “Are you kidding me?”.

And so began my life at Christian Fellowship Church of Crystal Lake, Illinois. Now, 19 years later, I am saying goodbye to my spiritual childhood home in a giant leap of faith to Texas. I am smiling at the thought that I am now firmly, unequivocally one of “them”…a hand raising, dancing, clapping, barefoot-in-church follower of Christ. So I want to do my best to honor the community that God used to raise me.

I was enveloped by the women of Christian Fellowship almost immediately. I think they saw “help me” written all over me! I knew nothing of being a Christian, and my marriage (and overall life) was a mess. It wasn’t long before a woman approached me and asked if she could be my prayer partner. My mind said “what the heck is that??”, but my mouth said “Okay”. She taught me to pray. Today, she remains my closest friend, and my prayer partner. But back then, she was someone I didn’t know who took me in, and met with me every week to pray for me. And then one day, after she had prayed, she said to me “Your turn”. I almost threw up at the idea of praying out loud, but I was on her couch and I had just enough manners to know that would have been rude. Thus began my life of pure passion for prayer, because I was taught that if you’re scared, then “do it scared”, but do it. Cheryl, for that and so so much more, I honor you and thank you.

It was here, among these women, that I learned what friendship really looks like. It’s a relationship of grace, forgiveness and kindness. And saying the hard things that need to be said, because of love. It’s laughing so hard you can’t breathe and crying just because they’re crying. When I first walked through the doors of Christian Fellowship, I really didn’t have any girlfriends, nor was I looking for any. Growing up in the world taught me that girls can be mean and true friendship is rare. Growing up in this church has taught me that women are a huge blessing, and their friendship is invaluable. To “my girls”, each and every one of you, I love and honor you. You have loved this woman, and all women, well.

To the ones who remained in steadfast friendship with my family through some very dark years, you’ll never know how much your loyalty has meant. Thank you for your prayers, your encouragement, and your willingness to remain connected to people who were so incredibly broken. I honor your warrior hearts for staying in the battle with us all those years.

We had been attending for about a year when the worship leader approached me and asked me if I wanted to join the worship team. You could have knocked me over with a feather! I loved singing, but even I knew that I wasn’t “worship team” material, and the thought of singing in front of the whole church made me want to throw up. (yes, it is my most common response to terror) I think I whispered into the mic for at least 6 months. But I learned from this worship leader. I learned that worship is not the same as entertainment or performance. It’s more than music and singing. It’s a posture of the heart. Don & Henri Peters, and the rest of the worship team, I will be ever grateful to you for giving me the opportunity to learn about the heart of worship. I honor all of you that hold open the door to the throne room every Sunday.

Through the many changes that a church goes through in almost 20 years, I have learned the meaning of commitment, as I watched people remain in commitment through extremely difficult seasons. I have so much respect for a family who stayed, when leaving would have been so much easier. They stayed through a trial that shook them as well as the church. Your determination to remain in community inspired me to tears. You know who you are. I love you both dearly. I honor your steadfast obedience and commitment to do the hard thing. “I tell you what.”

I learned that I won’t always agree with the decisions of leadership, but that if the decisions are not prohibited by scripture, then I am called to submit. Submission is a hard lesson, but it is an act of obedience that invites the blessing of God. I also learned what it looks like to respond with grace when someone is voicing their opinion about your leadership decisions. I was the recipient of much of that grace. I honor the leadership of Christian Fellowship for their gentle call to submission, and the grace that poured out during my times of stubbornness and disagreement.

I learned that if you stay in one place long enough, allowing your life to become entwined with others, offense will come. It will come to you, and through you. The choices are to leave in search of a mythical “offense free” church, or to stay and allow God to use the offense to teach forgiveness and humility. Offense is difficult to work through, but I have seen the power of God restore love and unity to those willing to persevere. I honor both the offenders and the offended in this church, those who have chosen humility and those who have chosen to forgive. You have unknowingly taught me well what overcoming offense looks like. Thank you.

Through the years of growing in Christ in this church, I was given a place for the gifts of the Spirit to grow and flourish, along with so much encouragement and opportunity to use those gifts. I learned how to do that for others, and how to give grace and room for imperfection. I honor this community for always seeking to notice and encourage the Holy Spirit in one another, and for their willingness to allow people to make mistakes as they learn and grow.

Over the last few months my life has been busy with packing and planning. I have been so excited that sadness had no place to sit down. But now it has pushed its way in and demanded my attention. I am experiencing the pain of leaving all that is familiar, all of the people who have made my life so full all these years. Leaving this state, my house, the evil winters…none of that matters. What has made my heart heavy is leaving the people who have been my family for 19 years. I am trying to allow my heart to feel what it feels, because it’s all part of the journey.  And the pain is teaching me perhaps the biggest lesson of all.

I was made for community. I know that I will never be able to follow Jesus well unless I am doing it in community with other believers. Christian Fellowship Church, I honor you for all of the love, grace, and friendship that have so blessed my life. I honor your commitment to Jesus and to His Church. I want you to know that I value the life I’ve lived with all of you, and the gift you have been to me.

Your sister in Christ,

Karla