Category Archives: Blog

hope in the end

I don’t know why it happened. I don’t know how evil got into a young man’s heart and mind to convince him to go to an elementary school and open fire on children.

Woman-mourning-cryI don’t know how parents cope with a loss that must feel like a building fell on them, burying them in grief.

I don’t know how a community rises from the ashes of tragedy to trust humanity again.

All around me were the voices of others who were praying and grieving, reminded again that evil has no heart for the most innocent among us. I read the flurry of opinions as to how this happened, why it happened and what we need to do to make sure it doesn’t happen again. None of it changed the “I don’t know” in my heart.

Last night, I needed hope for my bruised heart. Hope in the midst of fear and the knowledge that darkness is all around, hanging heavy over us, and that the heart of darkness is evil indeed. So I turned myself to God, who gave me a one word answer to all my questions, and to my cry for hope.

Jesus.

Jesus, the light that God sent into darkness to show us the way out.

Jesus, bleeding and dying, heavy with the sins of man.

Jesus, leaving the tomb victorious over the death that could in no way hold Him.

Jesus, dwelling in me with grace and power to keep my own heart from succumbing to the evil that longs to have it.

Apart from Him, there is no hope. Without Jesus, despair would be all we have. Without Jesus, evil would be victorious and would have us all.

Pages turn, and hope rushes up to meet me.

light in the dark“In Him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”

Light came and showed the way out of darkness. Light, dwelling in me, going wherever I am willing to go. To show the way out.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

The power of God’s comfort will be greater than the power of our mourning. Satan cannot cause us to mourn so deeply that God cannot meet us with far greater comfort.

And then I flip the pages all the way back. Because sometimes the darkness lays so heavy, that we need to hear the end again.

“When the thousand years are over, Satan will be released from his prison  and will go out to deceive the nations in the four corners of the earth—Gog and Magog—and to gather them for battle. In number they are like the sand on the seashore. They marched across the breadth of the earth and surrounded the camp of God’s people, the city he loves. But fire came down from heaven and devoured them. And the devil, who deceived them, was thrown into the lake of burning sulfur,where the beast and the false prophet had been thrown. They will be tormented day and night for ever and ever.”

“He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

“He who testifies to these things says, ‘Yes, I am coming soon.’ Amen. Come, Lord Jesus. The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God’s people. Amen.”

Yes, sometimes, when our hearts are bruised and grief-stricken by the breath of evil, when “I don’t know” is all we can say with any honesty, we just need to hear the ending again.

Because there is hope in the end, there is hope today.

the-end-jesus-wins-2

John 1:4; Matthew 5:4; Revelation 20:7-10; Revelation 21:5; Revelation 22:20-21

missing joy full

All it takes is a few words. Just a few, skimmed over and paid little attention. And then one day, those few words come off the page dressed in neon lights, making my head tilt sideways.

Open-Bible-500x215“The seventy-two returned with joy and said, “Lord, even the demons submit to us in your name.”  He replied, “I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven. I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you.  However, do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven.’

 At that time Jesus, full of joy through the Holy Spirit, said, “I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children. Yes, Father, for this was your good pleasure.” – Luke 10:17-21

Today I saw words I had been missing,

“The seventy-two returned with joy”

and something in me ached. It ached because I realized that I can’t remember the last time I had returned with joy from discovering His power in ministry. And I think it ached because I hadn’t realized that I missed it, this joy.

“Jesus, full of joy…”

He wasn’t disappointed in them because they missed the point. Instead, He traded stories with them. They saw demons submit to them, He saw Satan fall from heaven.

They didn’t return all excited only to get a rebuke. He didn’t burst their bubble of excitement, but He did remind them that there was something far better than demons in submission, something really worth celebrating. Don’t settle for rejoicing over demons. Not when your name is in the book of life.

He wasn’t against them, shaking His head because they had it all wrong. He was

Full. Of. Joy.

Somehow, I missed that.

It doesn’t really matter to me right now why He was joy full. Just the picture of Jesus, smiling, laughing (because people full of joy do those things) with His disciples…that picture makes my heart happy. Joy full, even. And I’ve missed that.

Here is what I didn’t miss. Not today…

“…through the Holy Spirit…”

I won’t get joy full by trying harder. It can’t be worked up, or manufactured.

Joy won’t come from things, from circumstances, or from other people.

In my search to know more of the Holy Spirit, I am taking note…

He brings

Joy

Holy Spirit, who are You?

In my quest to go deeper, to know the heart of God more, it was inevitable that I would find my way here. Because after almost 24 years of relationship, I still find the Holy Spirit to be a mystery. I’ve been taught much, heard much, and have even sensed His presence many times, and I still feel as though I need to stick out my hand, introduce myself and ask Him that question.

Just who are You, really?

I am filled with the urge to search, and I know of only one place to search for God; only one place that I know for sure He will be found.  And I remember that “In the beginning“, the Spirit of God was there, so that is where I turn. And I find the first glimpse of the Holy Spirit.

“Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep,and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.” {Genesis 1:2}

Hovering. Rachaph is the Hebrew word. It means to brood, like a mother bird broods over her young.

It also means “to cherish”.

The exact same word is used in Deuteronomy 32:11, describing God’s care for Israel ~

“like an eagle that stirs up its nest
    and hovers over its young,
that spreads its wings to catch them
    and carries them on its pinions.”

He cherishes.

And I am reminded ~

“And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.” {Romans 5:5}

I sat back and closed my bible, closed my notebook and put down my pen. And then I chose to believe what I had found.

The Holy Spirit of God is not just a vaporous mystery. He’s not just power and strength, worker of signs and wonders, and Giver of gifts.

Suddenly the fact that I am indwelt by the Holy Spirit looks different to me.

“In the beginning…”  became “Here is the first thing I want to tell you about Myself. You are cherished by Me.”

Holy Spirit of God…

It’s so nice to meet You.

how to not end abortion

Fair Warning:  This is not the kind of post I typically write. It is not a personal attack on anyone, it is a plea to the Church. I am neither Republican nor Democrat. I claim absolutely no affiliation or allegiance to a political party. My allegiance is to Christ and His Kingdom. This post may make people mad at me. While that is not my intention, I’m ok with it. 

On January 22, 1973, the United States Supreme Court made abortion legal in this country. Since that time, there have been 8 different Presidents in office, 5 Republicans and 3 Democrats. In every election, abortion has been one of the major hot buttons and for some people, the biggest issue that decides their vote. When President Obama was reelected this month, I read statements similar to this one:  “Well, that’s four more years of unborn babies being killed”. Obviously they believe the President can make abortion illegal. He can’t. Only the Supreme Court can do that, and they can only do it if they have a case come before them to deliberate that would end up overturning Roe vs. Wade.

But none of that is really my point, I just needed something to open this post.

Because abortion is a spiritual issue, which brings it into the front yard of not the White House, but the Church. (And we can substitute Abortion with any other moral issue that permeated the airwaves and social media during this election.) What has the Church done to stop abortion? Not to make it illegal, but to STOP it? (Because surely we are not naive enough to think that if it’s illegal, people won’t do it. We’re Christians, not idiots. Right?)

First, we need to recognize that the United States is not our Kingdom. For some, that could be a long process with God. We are the Church. We cannot cast our allegiance to something as fragile and fickle as an earthly nation. We’ve all heard it, read it, and been taught that this world is not our home, but I think we would have a hard time convincing the world of that, given the way we act, especially in an election year. But just to cover the bases, I will say it again. We are not from here. We are aliens here. Strangers. Passing through. Heading home. We need to be less invested in earthly matters and processes, and fully invested in the work of the Kingdom. And I promise you, the work of the Kingdom is not shaking your fist at the government. It really isn’t.

Time is shorter than we think.

It is time to stop fighting darkness with more darkness. We cannot continue letting fear and anxiety and our political allegiances govern our conduct, or our words. We cannot continue to hate the President and blame this nation’s woes on a political party, all in the name of God. We cannot continue to make God a “cause”. He doesn’t need us to defend Him. (Read the 38th chapter of Job.) He is God. We are His Church. We alone have the Gospel that is so desperately needed by a lost world. He didn’t tell us to defend Him, He told us to imitate Him. By living lives of love, not hatred, no matter how justified we want to make it appear. He also told us to reproduce ourselves. Make disciples. Spread the Good News, which offers hope to the hopeless.

We are in a spiritual war, and what is at stake is not our taxes or the unemployment rate or health insurance. It is the eternal destiny of every person we come into contact with either directly or indirectly. That includes our President, whether he’s pro-choice, liberal, Islam, or plays golf when he shouldn’t. God cares about where he spends eternity. Do we?

If I was not a believer, I don’t know that anything I have seen or heard from many Christians this past year would make me want to be one.

Abortion is not a political issue, or a women’s rights issue. It is a spiritual issue. Only the Church is equipped for such a battle. If we live in a nation that is so turned against God and His ways, a nation that is killing its unborn and falling further and further into moral decay, then it begs the question “what has the Church been doing?”. Because all of this is taking place on our watch.

Women are killing their babies because they are lost, deceived and desperate, not because of who is President.

Abortion should break our hearts and make us angry. It should elicit from us a desire to see justice. I believe it has done all of that, but our response has been to look to the broken systems of man to fix what amounts to spiritual terrorism against the image bearers of God. Again, we, the Church, are the only ones equipped to fight a spiritual battle.

What if we did the research and decided to be missionaries to those women who are most at risk, taking the love of Christ, and His gospel to them? What if that demographic became the Church’s mission field in this country? What if we reached them before they become pregnant? Or after. Or even after they’ve aborted?

Maybe if we will do what we were commissioned to do, less women will get abortions, regardless of how legal it is.

Because Christ changes things by changing hearts, not laws.

Go. Make disciples. Pray. Be humble. Believe. Show mercy. Love. Fight the real enemy.

Or…we could just keep doing what we’re doing.

That’s one way to not end abortion.

[Please know that I dearly love the Church, and firmly believe that she has the power to bring change. But not when she has her eyes fixed on earthly kingdoms, wielding carnal weapons of picket signs, petitions and name calling. It is when her eyes become fixed on Jesus, and she realizes that heaven and hell are real, and that what is at stake is not her comfort, but the eternal destinies of everyone around her. We must learn to put down our sticks and stones and pick up the weapons we have been given by God, weapons that are mighty for bringing down strongholds…love, humility, truth (spoken in love, not arrogance), prayer, faith, the Gospel…all mighty weapons that bring destruction to the darkness that is the root of abortion and every other evil.]

Hebrews 11:13-14; Ephesians 5:1-3; Matthew 28:19; 2Corinthians 4:4; Ephesians 6:11-13; 2Corinthians 10:4

she did what she could

I cannot leave the gospel. My fingers flip pages and my eyes scan words and stories and always I am drawn back. I am searching for the heart of the One I love and He keeps bringing me back to the beginning. This is my journey. My story. Good news hammering against the rocks.

“Leave her alone,” said Jesus, and the hammer came down, making my breath catch.

“While He was in Bethany, reclining at the table in the home of a man known as Simon the Leper, a woman came with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, made of pure nard. She broke the jar and poured the perfume on His head.

Some of those present were saying indignantly to one another, “Why this waste of perfume? It could have been sold for more than a year’s wages and the money given to the poor.” And they rebuked her harshly.

“Leave her alone,” said Jesus. “Why are you bothering her? She has done a beautiful thing to me. The poor you will always have with you, and you can help them any time you want. But you will not always have me.  She did what she could.“ (Mark 14:3-8)

She did what she could. And against the harshness of men, He rose up protective.

This is for you. For me. For all the ones who do what they can. For the ones who hear the harshness of

not enough

too much

you should have

you shouldn’t have

The ones who long to bring what they have and just pour it out over Him because we can do nothing else.

For those of us who will never feed five thousand, but spend the last five minutes of our weary day feeding on Him.

For those who will never lead thousands into the Kingdom, but will live face to the ground praying for the one.

For all the ones who will never do great and mighty things, but who choose to put one foot in front of the other to follow Him in a harsh world.

Broken hearts broken open, poured out

Broken prayers flowing like perfume

Fleeting, weary moments given to Him

Songs we refuse to let fear silence

He will protect it all. He will honor every bit of it.

This is the Heart I found today.

2:00 a.m. and my heart is full

My little office/prayer room. Couch, cozy blanket. Candles burning, filling the room with the smell of cinnamon. Bibles, books and journals spilled out onto the couch.

(All Sons and Daughters are singing Called Me Higher. Makes me close my eyes and sway to the sound.)

My bible is next to me, a worn but comfortable friend. I begin to randomly turn pages, feeling His breath rising up from the words.  I breathe it in deep and my thoughts respond.

“And God said ‘Let there be light,’ and there was light.”   Profound power. This “Let there be” that is obeyed every time…it makes me crave Your voice over my life.

“He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; He seats them with princes and has them inherit a throne of honor”  You don’t push down, You raise up. I want to be like You.

“…You are the ruler of all things. In Your hands are strength and power…”  All things. All. Things. And the hands that hold me and mine and all things, they are strong, powerful hands.

(And now Jason Upton is singing You Are Holy and I have to stop.)

“This is what the Lord says—Israel’s King and Redeemer, the Lord Almighty: I am the first and I am the last;  apart from me there is no God. Who then is like Me? Let him proclaim it.”  The silence is deafening. You stand alone in Your God-ness. You came first, You will be last, with none in-between. I bow right here, in the silence of no other god.

“The Lord said to me, “Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes.”  Such a scandalous love, and You don’t hide it.  It is overwhelming. Unearthly. Heavenly.

“Come to Me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.”  The invitation to rest. I’m so glad that You know that the world I live in continually calls me to “do more, go farther, be better”. You know the weight of the yoke I am prone to come under; the one that has “Not enough” written all over it. I love that You know. And You invite me to You. To rest. If I will just come.

“In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.”  Rich grace. Poured out, not measured. I am over my head deep in this grace. I want to live it, give it to others, let it be the lens that I look through. I don’t want to keep looking at the world through squinty, judging eyes behind the closed door of my life. I want to open them all wide.  Teach me grace.

It’s 2:00 a.m. and I am finally tired.

(Fittingly, Jason Upton sang one final song…)

..to end my time of breathing in His breath, surrounded by the warmth of candles, Presence, and the scent of cinnamon. My heart is full, having discovered again that His heart is good.

Genesis 1:3    1Samuel 2:8   1Chronicles 29:12   Isaiah 44:6-7   Hosea 3:1   Matthew 11:28   1Corinthians 1:8-9

measuring grace

Measuring-TapeI didn’t measure up again today. Yesterday I fell really, really short. In fact, the measuring tape hasn’t delivered good news for me in quite a long time, and today I just woke up feelin’ it, very aware of the heaviness of it.

I think God knew.

He’s been whispering “grace” to me for weeks, in various forms. Doing battle for me behind my back. This morning He thrust the sword into my own hand.

“You foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you? Before your very eyes Jesus Christ was clearly portrayed as crucified. I would like to learn just one thing from you: Did you receive the Spirit by observing the law, or by believing what you heard? Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort? Have you suffered so much for nothing—if it really was for nothing? Does God give you his Spirit and work miracles among you because you observe the law, or because you believe what you heard?” (Galatians 3:1-5, emphasis mine)

Faith in grace. That’s where it began. It didn’t begin with me measuring up, nor will it end that way. It is by faith, from first to last.

“For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: “The righteous will live by faith.” (Romans 1:17)

Why is grace so hard for us? Why do we chase our tails trying to be good enough when we were never good enough to begin with and that’s why this whole thing started? That’s why “it is finished” was ever spoken in the first place.

I pondered all of it this morning, as I let God remove the heaviness like we remove a winter coat. I retraced back to grace and all is well because I can’t earn what is free. And it seemed good. Seemed done. But it wasn’t.

Because sometimes we drink down His grace and something in us still says “more”. Because sometimes bewitching looks different than we expect, especially when it looks like I’m not trying to measure up to God at all. I’m trying to measure up to you.

To the ones who do it all and do it well. Those of you who have self-control in spades and never struggle with sin. You, with your perfect life, perfect happiness, perfect job, perfect hair, perfect spouse, perfect everything.

You, the one who doesn’t exist, except in my wildly rampant imagination on days when the feeling of failure is exceptionally present. The days when my usual pep talk to self turns downright abusive. The days when I want to slap you, you non-existent perfect person, but instead I spend the day crying and binge eating.

And to this God still whispers grace, it is finished. On my worst bewitched days, He leads me right back to the cross, where all measuring ends, and grace begins.

Everything begins and ends at the cross. And there’s just no measuring grace.