Category Archives: My Personal Journey

A Fascinated Heart

It was just a line in a prayer, but it has not let me be. Once I heard it, I knew it was the prayer that I had been unable to find the words to pray.

Lord, may our hearts be fascinated with You again.

Yes! Over and over again I have been saying yes and amen to that prayer. Because after much time trying to figure out what I have been missing, there it is. Fascination with Jesus.

I remember it, this fascination. Unable to get enough of Him. The complete wonder of who He is, and how He is. His heart. His ways. His overwhelming goodness. I couldn’t wait to get alone and pray. Waking up at 2 a.m. and spending an hour or more in prayer and worship, because when I was awake, I wanted to be with Him. Losing my breath everytime He answered my prayer, because it stunned me that He heard and He moved on my behalf.

My heart was head over heels fascinated with Jesus, and I didn’t care who knew it and I have been wanting that fascination back. He’s not done with me and I am most certainly not done with Him. I want Him to occupy my thoughts, to be the One my eyes continually search out. I want to stand back and watch Him at work and feel the smallness that comes from seeing His greatness. I want to look back and look around and look up and see Him in all the places I couldn’t see Him before, and let it flat out overwhelm my heart. I want to look at what He’s done that only He could have possibly done, and whisper “I see You, Lord, I see You.” And then I want to cry at what I’ve seen.

I want my heart and mind to be absolutely distracted by Jesus, and nothing else. Like the woman who broke the alabaster jar at His feet, undistracted by the stares and thoughts of those around her. Like John, who remained at the cross when all of his friends left. Like Mary, who sat at His feet, unmoved by the accusation of Martha.

It was a line in a prayer, spoken by a conference speaker who had no idea that God was about to use his prayer as oxygen on an ember. And isn’t it just like God to only need a few words to rekindle a heart? To make a woman in her 60’s fascinated with Him again? 

Yes, it is exactly like Him to do such a thing!

So here I am Jesus. Choosing You again and again. Longing for Your presence, staring in wonder at who You are, breathless again that You have answered a prayer that I didn’t know how to pray.

You can have all this world, just give me Jesus.

It Was A Good, Hard, Free Lunch Today

Texas Roadhouse was offering a free lunch for veterans today, so I took them up on it, since they hold the number one spot on my “places I like to eat” list. I knew I could anticipate a delicous meal, college football games on every screen, and country music. In the words of some Christmas song, these are a few of my favorite things.

What I did not anticipate was the emotions that would come up and spill out during this lunch. As my husband and I sat outside on a bench, waiting for them to text me that it was our turn to be seated, I watched the veterans coming up to the little table the restaurant had set up, to get their free lunch voucher. It was a steady stream of old men, not so old men, and women. Some of the oldest of them were wearing their “Vietnam Vet” ball cap. Some wore “Desert Storm” hats. One man wore a jacket that had all of his medals pinned on it. It was a sight to see.

As I looked at all these men and women converging on the restaurant, my heart just swelled. I come from a military family, and served in the Army in the early 80’s, so it’s in my blood, as they say. But today, it wasn’t just the nostalgia of being in the midst of a very large group of soldiers again, although that alone felt wonderful. I can’t speak for what the military looks like today, but when I grew up, and then served in it, it was a world unto itself. A community. A family. It is one of the things I miss about being around it. As I sat in a restaurant that was literally filled with vets, I felt the bond of comraderie with people I had never met.

But, what literally brought me to tears was the knowledge that many, if not most, of these men and women served because they believed their country is worth the sacrifice, and they, like me, are wondering what, pardon my french, the hell happened to that country.

For the love of this nation, many of them went to war. But even those, like myself, who didn’t serve in wartime, carry within us a deep love, and sense of pride and protection for our country. As I fought back tears, I wondered how many of them grieve, like I do, over the tearing down of so much of what we love, and what so many gave their lives to protect.

Thankfully, my grief is tempered by hope, because I know the sovereignty, power, and greatness of God over all of His creation. I know that He can, and that He will bring an end to evil, and until then, we raise our shield of faith, and we war in prayer for the nations of the earth.

And in the natural, we shake our heads over what we see around us, and take a free lunch when it’s offered.

Today was good, but today was hard. To all of those who have served, thank you. And to all who currently serve, thank you. You are necessary, you are appreciated, and you are prayed for.

P.S. – BIG shoutout to Texas Roadhouse for supporting veterans, and for the kindness and respect they showed today.

confessions of a rebellious soul

This is a repost of a previously published blog post. I’ve dusted it off, added and deleted and tweaked, and now I’m reposting. Because I’m still going through this thing, and I needed to feel the weight of that. I also needed to encourage myself with the fact that I’m still in the fight. That I still want, and believe, that I can walk free from bondage. 

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True confession:  I’ve always hated the word ‘obey’. In all of its forms. In any kind of sentence.  Obey seemed oppressive. Controlling. Demeaning. Surely there was a softer way to put it. A gentler call to do what God wanted.

Surely it isn’t rebellion that feeds these thoughts. Surely. 

The change began a few years ago. That’s when I stopped arm wrestling my bondage to food and admitted that it was stronger than me. Much stronger. Overwhelmingly stronger. And I wept and wept because dammit I was tired. Tired of needing to be free of yet another thing and wondering when the last shackle will fall from my soul and thinking this one will be with me to the end.

Then I read  this book. Really, you should read it.

Turns out, it was step one. I had to stop pretending that I didn’t have an idol. Seriously, how can you be this overweight, this miserable, this unhealthy and think idolatry isn’t your deal?  I say you but don’t be offended. We all know I’m pointing at me. I just like saying you more than I like saying I. I think a lot of us are like that. I think it’s a thing we do. But I digress.

Another confession: I have an idol. Actually, my idol has me. Ha Ha. Get it? Yeah, I know, but if I don’t laugh I’m gonna cry and no one wants to see that. Trust me.

I saw the idol. Admitted what it was. Wished I could just wrestle it to the ground and then kill it. But that’s never going to happen. I don’t know about your idol, but I didn’t pick a weak one. No sir. This thing is the Incredible Hulk of idols.

Anyway. Then, I read about Abraham.

{Did you really think I would tell you a story that didn’t include some reference to the Old Testament? You’re new here, I can tell. It’s ok.}

“The Lord said to Abram:  Go out from your land, your relatives, and your father’s house to the land that I will show you.  I will make you into a great nation, I will bless you, I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing.  I will bless those who bless you, I will curse those who treat you with contempt, and all the peoples on earth will be blessed through you.” {Genesis 12:1-3}

Blessing flows through obedience. From one generation to another it flows through people who obey God. 

Next confession:  While I avoided the word obey, I’ve always known that obedience was a good thing. Something a Christian is supposed to do. And I did. I obeyed the easy parts. But if you’ve been following Jesus for more than an hour, you know there are hard things and mostly I just turned my head from those and pretended to be busy doing something else. Can I get a witness? It’s ok. Don’t raise your hand. This is about me and as much as I want company right now, I think you’d just distract me. Sooth something in me that shouldn’t be soothed. Excuse something I can’t keep excusing. But thanks for offering.

We’ll just move on to the next step in a process that has actually been harder than it sounds. And not nearly as glamorous.

“For just as through one man’s disobedience the many were made sinners, so also through the one man’s obedience the many will be made righteous.” {Romans 5:19}

Adam so disobeyed and I so disobeyed, but God so loved the world and Jesus so obeyed His Father and now I am saved. Because of obedience that comes from love.

Love and obedience are holding hands and they can’t be separated and salvation flowed through obedience. From a cross made bloody by a Son who loved  and obeyed His Father, it flowed to me.

Confession number (what number are we on?): I’ve had a number of bondages, but none of them were my fault.  That’s not the confession. The confession is that I believed that lie because it was so much easier than the truth.

Every bondage I’ve had came through disobedience. Not through generational blood lines. Not through curses or entrapment or some kind of disorder. I wasn’t born that way. It is true that food addiction, and addiction in general, runs wild and free in my family line, but that fact does not remove my ability to choose differently. I became addicted to things because I didn’t say no to them. I had a stronghold of anger in me because I disobeyed the scriptures on forgiveness and dying to self. I let the sun go down on my anger for years. Seriously. Years. 

I believe it is not generational sins that caused my bondage to food, it is the fact that I have gone to something other than God to find comfort and solace.

Disobedience brings bondage. And the truth will set us free.

“I will always obey Your instruction, forever and ever.   I will walk freely in an open place because I seek Your precepts.” {Psalm 119:44-45}

Freedom flows through obedience and that’s the truth.

And finally, we come to this…

“Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the Devil.” {Matthew 4:1}

You know the story. We all know that Jesus overcame temptation by speaking the word of God to Satan. Except He didn’t.

Let’s be honest. It’s just us here, so why not? It is not a lack of knowledge of the Word of God that keeps us circling the drain of defeat. It’s our lack of actually doing what that Word says. Disobedience, not ignorance, is our issue, wouldn’t you say, just between you and me?

Jesus overcame temptation and defeated Satan not just through speaking the Word of God, but by obeying it. By refusing to make bread when He was –no food for 40 days– hungry.

(I would have made the bread. I would have made bread out of every rock I could find. I would have surrounded myself with rock biscuits.)

Power and victory flow through obedience.

And that’s where He got me. Because apparently, dying from a bondage to food wasn’t enough motivation. But if you tell me that obedience is warfare that will break the back of the enemy, I’m in. Well, I’m interested in being in. I’ve long ago learned that I tend to over commit.

Confession # whatever: Here I go again. Choosing steps of obedience. I will fall and flail about while doing it, because I know me and I know this thing that is gripping me. I will not beat my idol. The only way to be free is to walk away. To obediently walk away from self-soothing and self comfort. From feeding my emotions. From trying to escape by way of the fork in my hand. (I have no idea what I’m even trying to escape, but if you know my story at all, you know that escape was my very first addiction, and that horse is very much still in the race.) I know from experience that it is harder than it sounds on paper. But I also know Jesus, and that alone gives me the advantage.

So if you think of it, pray for me. However God leads you, pray.

Grounding the Planes

Been having trouble sleeping lately. It’s like, the minute I lay down, my mind turns into O’Hare Airport, with thoughts landing and taking off in every direction. At first, it was occasional, but lately, it’s just become my thing. And I don’t want it to be my thing. I also don’t want to take sleep aids, because I can develop an addiction to just about anything and I’ve had my fill of craving things that aren’t good for me.

But, I stumbled across something the other day, and now it’s underlined and had a highlighter taken to it.

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. (Psalm 116:7)

I want to learn to let this one thought interrupt every other thought. I want to learn to settle my soul with it. To teach my mind to lean into the truth of it.

I don’t think David was telling his soul to rest because once upon a time God had been good to him. I think what David knew was this…

God has been good, and He is being good, and He will always be good to me.

It is what I have most in common with David. The always present, never-ending goodness of God. I’ve also had abuse. Sickness. Grief. Pain. Depression. All the things a fallen world offers us.

So the question becomes, for me, which is greater? What will bring rest for my oft times frantic soul? Will the fear and anticipation of more of what hurts bring peace to the war in my mind? Or will it be the truth that no matter what happens, no matter what comes next, God will be good, because God has always been good to me?

For You, Lord, rescued me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling.
I will walk before the Lord
in the land of the living. (Psalm 116:8-9)

He has done all of that and more. He entered the darkness of my life with the brilliance of His light and changed my course, forever. He cleansed me with His blood, forgave every single sin, removed my hard heart and gave me a soft one. He showed me what true love looks like, what mercy and compassion can do, and He continually reminds me that I have a home and this earth is not it.

So I’m working on grounding the planes in my mind with these truths. Remembering His goodness. Reminding my soul that He is with me in all things and He will always do what is good and what is right and I have nothing to fear. Calling my soul to remember what it believes about God rather than what it can imagine about what might happen.

I want to encourage you to do that too. Even if your mind isn’t an airport at night, we are all prone to fearful anticipations, to what ifs and what abouts. To wondering if we’ll make it through the worst case scenario presenting itself in our life. But we can do battle against all that and we can have victory in that battle. We can call our souls to rest once more.

We can remember God’s goodness to us at every turn. We can declare to our souls that He has been good, is being good in this very hour, and will be good forevermore. To us. To you. To me.

Are you with me?

Covid, Revival, and the gaze of the church

It was Wednesday morning, August 19th, and I woke up with a headache and feeling like I had a chest cold. By the next day, it felt like full-on flu, but unlike any flu I had ever had. On Friday I got tested and on Sunday that test came back positive for Covid-19.

The next week was the sickest I’ve ever been. It was the flu on steroids. My joints felt like they were full of broken glass. I had horrible night sweats, a constant headache, a cough that would not quit, and less than zero energy. I couldn’t even think straight. I had more than one serious thought that I might die from this virus.

On day 10 the turn around came. Not a huge turn, more like a slight curve, but enough to give me hope. My joints stopped aching so bad, and I was able to come out of my room for a bit and walk through the house. One walk-through and then I had to go back to bed, but it was something. With each passing day it has gotten better, and today, my only symptoms are some shortness of breath, extreme fatigue, and a narly brain fog that sometimes makes it hard to focus, hard to communicate well, and hard to remember things. The cough is rare, if ever, now. No body pain. Some occasional congestion. I’ve read that it could be months yet before I feel back to normal. That’s ok. I honestly feel lucky to have survived it at all. I am very fortunate to have a husband who took such good care of me, even though he too tested positive. His symptoms lasted a day and then were gone and he was back to normal, except for the fatigue.

I also have a lifegroup of women who cared for us both for the first two weeks, by dropping off a meal every day. I usually find it very difficult to accept help like that, but there were days that I don’t think we would have eaten if not for that meal. I could barely stand up for more than a couple of minutes, and both of us were too fatigued to move much at all at times. I am so grateful for a community of women who jumped in to do what they could, dropping off food at our doorstep every day. Oh, another symptom that is still with me – I cannot taste or smell things. Actually, the taste seems to be improving. If something is tart, tangy, or salty, I can taste that. Otherwise, I’m just eating because I need to eat. I also struggle with bouts of nausea and stomach pain. This thing is a circus full of fun.

But, I had (have) a lot of people praying for me, including my family, and I believe with all my heart that those prayers moved heaven on my behalf. So thankful.

Ok, that’s my Covid ordeal. I survived and I am recovering. But lemme tell you the good stuff.

Before day 10, I couldn’t do much more than mutter “Jesus, help me” numerous times a day. But once symptoms began to subside, the tide turned. Covid often made it hard for me to sleep at night, so I began having lots of late-night worship sessions. Those sessions turned into prayer times, as I climbed back up on the wall to take my post as an intercessor, albeit a weakened, sometimes nauseous one. And then, my appetite returned with a ferocity I hadn’t seen in a while. Not an appetite for food, but for the Word of God, as I began a renewed search for the heart of my Father. I found my gaze had turned from being consumed with Covid, off of what’s been happening in the political arena and in the streets of our nation, and back to Jesus.

All of this had actually begun before Covid threw me against the rocks. Now, it’s rising up like flames that just hit the kitchen curtains. Spreading, growing. Because God used Covid to fan into life an ember that had only begun to burn. While my body was surviving, my soul began to thrive and that means God had His way and the enemy did not. Any way you turn it, it’s good.

I did not start the flame. I did not will myself to want more of Jesus or to seek more of His heart or to re-engage in intercession. It was not by my own strength or persistence that I came out of the worst part of Covid with a revival going on in my soul.

God is on the move.

And oh my gosh haven’t we all just been waiting for it? As chaos increases and lawlessness is more brazen than ever. As the deception grows thick and rage is running the streets, we’ve waited for God to pull back the curtain and reveal the truth and put everything right. But what if we’ve been looking in the wrong place for the move of God? What if He wants to do it in us, instead of out there? Perhaps the shaking starts with us, those who are called holy and righteous and belonging to Him. What if we’re the ones with the curtain and the need for truth in our innermost parts?

What if Jesus is turning the gaze of the Church away from what’s happening in the darkness and fixing it on Him who dwells in unapproachable light?

There is not one thing going on in the world right now that is outside of the sovereignty of God. Not one thing is thwarting His plans or altering His purposes in the earth. He is who He says He is. He will do what He said He will do. He has built His Church on the truth of the Gospel, and the gates of hell will not prevail against it. Nothing is hidden from His sight. He will neither slumber nor sleep. He is making ready His Bride, to present her to His Father.

Turning her gaze back to Him. Making a way in her wilderness and streams in her desert. Allowing the sifting and praying for her, that her faith will not fail. Calling her to return to her first Love, to choose the better thing, to love Him with all her heart, soul, mind and strength.

We look away from the natural realm and we fasten our gaze onto Jesus who birthed faith within us and who leads us forward into faith’s perfection. His example is this: Because his heart was focused on the joy of knowing that you would be his, he endured the agony of the cross and conquered its humiliation, and now sits exalted at the right hand of the throne of God!

Hebrews 12:2 – The Passion Translation
What is God doing in you right now, in the middle of what you’re going through?
How is He attempting to turn your gaze to Him?

something is changing and we need to hear about it

Sit for a minute. I want to share what God is doing in me, because I bet He’s doing something in you too and we need the stories of what He’s doing, don’t you think? Because there is stuff going down all over the place and we’ve chased that storm long enough and now it’s time. Time to fix our eyes on Jesus and see what’s shifting on the inside.

For me, it’s become late night worship sessions that leave me face down with a desire for more. For closer. For deeper and wider and just more. As much as I can get. Remembering that His presence is better than anything else and I am made for this presence.

It’s remembering the cry of my own heart for over 25 years – “Where are You going and what are You doing and can I come with You?” What happened to that cry? Where did my desire to be with Him go? I wonder if responsibility took it. Or weariness. Could have been self-sufficiency. I don’t know, but what I do know is God has been shifting things in my heart and I feel shaking happening and I think whatever took my overwhelming desire for His presence has been forced to give it back. I’m becoming consumed again and it’s so good, so painfully good.

There’s a fresh urgency to prayer. To stand on the wall and in the gap and to stay awake and pray. To declare His Word and hear His voice and sense His presence in the place of prayer for those around me. It’s the pressing of the Holy Spirit to prioritize prayer. Stop putting it at the end and put it at the start. The throne room is holy and grace and mercy are flowing from it. The One who sits on that throne has all power and all authority and He inclines His ear to hear us speak. He’s telling me to pray like that’s true again.

Things are changing and shaking and shifting and I am waking up from a sleep I didn’t know I had fallen into. Shaking off what has distracted and distressed and detained me. Laying down lesser pursuits and running back to my first love. There aren’t enough hallelujahs. Not nearly enough.

I don’t know what God has been doing in your heart lately, but I can tell you what He hasn’t been doing – He hasn’t been making it fearful. Or anxious. Or hopeless. He has not made your heart believe that evil is winning.

Unbelief is doing that.

Stop chasing the storm and just sit with Him in His perfect peace. Let Him reveal what He’s doing in you. Let Him call you back from the chaos and stoke the flame in your heart for Him again. Let Him remind you that you are not in danger, you are fiercely loved by the God of heaven and earth and you belong in the consuming fire of His presence. Let Him give you back your voice, not so you can shout at the world, but so you can declare His truth and His praises and so you can prophesy to dry bones so they will live. Let Him shake you awake.

And then tell us about it, because we need to hear it.

…It’s not meant to be a secret.

this is how we fight our battles

That cancer thing tho, right? Beastly is what it is. I bet you know someone who’s fighting it. We could stand on a busy street and point in any direction and find someone who is doing battle with the cancer Goliath on some level. Maybe that someone is you. Can I say it sucks? I think I can (my blog and all). And I’ve had cancer, so lemme just tell you that sucks is the right word. I was lucky. My cancer was found very early and a hysterectomy took it down. No chemo, no radiation. But the battle was still there, because fear was still there. And ain’t that just a fight and half when the diagnosis comes? Yeah, it is.

Right now, I have a friend who is in the thick of battle with a very aggressive breast cancer. She’s a Jesus loving gem of a girl. Wife. Mother to 3 very young kids.

Everyone’s fighting stance looks different. But one thing is certain – worship is a vital position for us to take during any battle. Worship is an incredible weapon, and I can attest to its power to bring fear to its knees and make faith the biggest giant in the room.

Heidi posted something to the Caring Bridge site that I think will bless you, even if you aren’t in a cancer war at the moment (because everyone is fighting some kind of battle, right?). I got her permission to reprint it here for you:

Surrounded

Journal entry by Heidi Wenzel — Mar 5, 2019

“Another round of chemo tomorrow. It always has me getting ready. Gearing up. Ready to face another round of battle.
But our family has a particular way that we fight our battles. And Jon and I have tried to cultivate a particular family culture in our home. Through good times and bad. If not every day, at least every week. We worship. At home. With the kids. We put the music on loud and we sing and we dance and we run and we twirl and we bow with our faces to the hardwood floor and we leap and we clap and we worship the King of Kings.

And we believe. We believe that our worship impacts the King, the kingdom, and our very own circumstances. We believe that it blesses our hearts, changes our perspective, and powerfully affects our circumstances. And in this particular season we believe our praise and worship defeats cancer. 
Would you dare to worship with us? Believe that our worship could conquer this enemy. This cancer.
This would not even be close to the first time that the worshipping is a catalyst for the conquering. One of my favorite Old Testament stories is found in 2 Chronicles 20 about a king named Jehoshaphat and a battle with vast armies from neighboring countries. A battle. A battle won by praise and shouts, not by weapons and strength. A battle that this leader was wise enough to recognize was not his, but the Lord’s.

It’s so worth reading the account for yourself, but here’s the summary. King Jehoshaphat receives a report that multiple armies are on their way to conquer them. The first thing this king does is call a fast and all the people inquire of the Lord as to what they should do. All of the people. One of my favorite verses of the story vs. 13, “All the men of Judah, with their wives and children and little ones. Stood there before the Lord.” That’s right, the little ones too. Our little ones are with us, looking to the Lord, seeing how He will answer, what He will do. Anyway, a prophet stands up and declares to the whole assembly, “Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s.” (Verse 15) He says the Lord is going to deliver them, they don’t have to be afraid, they just need to stand firm and watch the Lord gain the victory for them!
So then the king goes on and does something so incredible. So significant. So counterintuitive. He prepares his forces by sending out the worshippers as the front line. First. He calls to his people to have faith, and acts out his own faith by not sending out the greatest fighters or the biggest weapons, but rather believing what God has said and sending out the singers. The worshippers. “Jehoshaphat appointed men to sing to the Lord and to praise him for the splendor of his holiness as they went out AT THE HEAD of the army saying: ‘Give thanks to the Lord, for his love endures forever.” And just as the Lord had said, the people of Judah watched the Lord give them the victory. God himself set ambushes on the armies and they literally ended up killing and destroying each other rather than Judah.
Worship and victory.

Would you be so bold as to worship with us? Not just pray, but worship with us. Worship in the midst of a cancer diagnosis. Worship through a hard season of chemo. Worship as the army surrounds and invades. Worship as the waters rise and the fire surrounds. Worship as even the waves crash over us. Would you worship with us? It’s what we are doing. It’s what we have chosen to do. Give him our praise. Give him our worship. “

If you want to read their story, pray for them, or just follow along on their journey – here is the link to Heidi’s Caring Bridge site:

https://www.caringbridge.org/visit/heidiwenzel