Tag Archives: trusting God

this is me now

“I have hidden Your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.” – Psalm 119:11

Hidden it. Treasured it. Stored it up in deep places.

Years ago God whispered this into my soul…

Theology will not keep you from sinning.

My theology on submission in marriage was good, but I was not submitting.

My theology on loving my neighbor was good, but I was not loving.

My theology on the faithfulness of God was good, but I was not trusting.

Believing the right things about God is not the same as believing God, and there is a difference between knowing what the Bible says, and having His Word hidden in your heart.

Night and day. Darkness and light. Freedom and bondage. That’s the difference.

So I learned to hide Truth in deep places where lies had been living, and submission became something to protect me instead of something meant to break me and everyone is my neighbor and God is more than worthy of my trust.

That was then, but this is me now and a fight has been brewing and no, I’m not ready to rumble.

But God is whispering to my soul again.

Theology is not your sword.

Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness,  and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one.  And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God…~ Ephesians 6:14-17

take-up-the-swordWhen the devil picks a fight, it’s best to be holding something besides what I know about God. A sharp theology will not take him down.

So this is me now. This is where I am. God is good, but what is that to me? God heals, but what is that to me? God loves, but what is that to me? Is it my theology, or is it my sword? I am convinced that we do not live out of what we know, but what we truly believe, and if that is true, then I need to determine if I know God is good, or if I trust Him to be good. I’ve been turning Words over and over and asking my heart the hard questions, while God has been near, waiting and whispering.

And this is me now. Like a dog with a bone, I am hiding truth. Storing things deep. Choosing to believe. Choosing to trust. Finding my sword.

“He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.'” Mark 5:34

“And He cast out the spirits with a word, and healed all who were sick, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by Isaiah the prophet, saying: ‘He Himself took our infirmities, and bore our sicknesses.'” Matthew 8:17

“Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand.“ Isaiah 41:10

warrior

The whisper of God is louder than the shouts of fear in my soul. I am done beating the air. I am done wondering. This is me now.

“Jesus said to her, ‘Didn’t I tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?'” ~ John 11:40

it’s time to jump

high diveI only jumped one time. That was enough. When I take my mind back to that moment, I can still feel the fear. I saw others jump with ease, and go right back for more. I knew I could swim. I knew that the water was safe. I believed the mechanics of jumping, that if I went straight in, the water would catch me, I would touch the bottom and push my way back to the surface. And the one time I jumped, it happened just like that. I think I was crying when I got out of the water, and I never, ever climbed that high dive again. I remained terrified of jumping, but I never understood why.

(because believing and trusting are not the same)

I was watching a group of kids recently, barely toddlers. They were in the playroom at church, climbing up through the giant tubes and tunnels, sliding down and going right back for more. Only a few held back, content to go up the few steps so they could come down the small slide. But most of them were absolutely fearless. It never occurred to them that something bad could happen to them. We had led them in there and turned them loose to play, so they played with abandon.

(adults believe. children trust)

And then life happens. Hearts get broken. Innocence gets taken. We fall, we get hurt, we find ourselves alone. We learn the hard truth that not everyone is good, and sometimes, everything doesn’t turn out okay. Sometimes things just get worse. And fear comes in and bullies our trust into submission.

(“Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.”)

Jesus said we must change and become as little children. Change is a process. It takes time to grow from an adult into a child. To learn the truth that God is good. But time belongs to God and God cannot be bullied by fear. Instead, He sends love into the fight. And like ocean waves it just keeps coming, beating back the fear that keeps us from jumping. Because trust and fear do not dwell together, no sir, one of them must go, and God cannot be bullied.

Trust renders us dependent upon the one we are trusting. Isn’t that it, really? It’s the falling backward, trusting the one standing behind you to catch you that makes us vulnerable, wholly dependent on someone else’s ability to be trusted. No control. And isn’t the need for control the darkest place in our heart, after all? Isn’t that the biggest fear of them all?

(“but there is a God in heaven…”)

And the hardest thing about growing from an adult to a child is realizing that we never did have control. Not really. Some would call it an illusion. I think deception is a more fitting name.

Do I dare say my next thought? The one that keeps pulsing against my heart? Believing makes you safe. Trusting makes you dangerous.

(because believers rarely jump)

I am a believer, becoming a child who trusts. Because God has refused to be wave1bullied by my fear and love has been beating against my heart like ocean waves.

And He has me at the high dive again. I believe He is with me. I believe He is good. I believe He has good plans for me. But none of that will get me to jump.

I have to trust Him to catch me.

Luke 18:16; Matthew 18:3; Daniel 2:28

Note:  Many times Jesus asked, “do you believe?”, or He said that someone’s faith had healed them, etc. Both of those words contain, within their biblical definition, the word ‘trust’, and the idea of going beyond having a knowledge of something to actually trusting what you believe. In other words, when Jesus said “do you believe Me?”, He was asking “do you trust Me?”.

Webster’s dictionary does not use the word ‘trust’ in its definition of the word ‘believe’, and I am convinced that neither do many of us.