Category Archives: Blog

first let me

“A scribe approached Him and said, “Teacher, I will follow You wherever You go!”
Jesus told him, “Foxes have dens and birds of the sky have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay His head.”

“Lord,” another of His disciples said, “first let me go bury my father.”
But Jesus told him, “Follow Me, and let the dead bury their own dead.” – Matthew 8:19-22

He never said it would be easy. He said we would have a Comforter, but He never promised we would be comfortable.

But the words that laid me bare today are these, spoken by a disciple ~

first. let. me.

First let me exhaust all other options, and then I’ll reach for the hem of Your robe.

First let me figure it all out and then I’ll trust Your plan.

First let me build my life and then I’ll build Your Kingdom.

First let me seek more and bigger and better, and then I’ll seek You.

First let me worry, and then I’ll pray.

First let me hold my offense. Someday I’ll forgive.

First let me seek the approval of others, and then I’ll ask what pleases You.

First let me self-protect and then I’ll trust You with my hardened heart.

First let me enjoy my sin, and then I’ll repent.

First let me find the human love of my life, and then Your love will satisfy me.

First let me pursue my dreams, and then I’ll pursue You.

First let me soothe my own pain and when that stops working, I’ll let You bind up my wounds.

First let me protect my pride, and then I can walk in humility.

First let me.

Most of us would say that we don’t put anything before Jesus.

Most of us would by lying.

In so many ways, in so many places in the Word of God, it is made clear to us…

Jesus never agreed to be second.

what if i could see what i can’t see

He was a man with a promise. She was a slave with a son. His son. But the promise won, and she and her son had to go because Sarah let the hammer fall. “Drive out this slave with her son, for the son of this slave will not be a coheir with my son Isaac!”

And I wonder if Abraham’s heart broke that day. Did he cry? Did he wish there could be some other way? Did it leave a hole in him that nothing would ever fill?

Surely he loved his son the way we love ours.

And then the water was gone and a slave-turned-mother couldn’t keep her son alive. And I wonder if she was just undone with sadness and grief and resentment over a life she didn’t choose.

Maybe choices others made for her broke her, the way they break us.

“So as she sat nearby, she wept loudly”.

She couldn’t watch him die and I can’t blame her one bit, but I want to blame someone. Sarah. Abraham. God? Maybe. Because dying children is the big unfair and someone has to take the blame for a mother’s loud weeping.

But God heard. And in this dark story, light breaks in. When God hears our weeping and speaks to a heart that’s been split wide open, something lifts. Hope comes near again.

But none of that is the point. This is the reason I sat down here–

“Then God opened her eyes, and she saw a well of water.”

She saw what she hadn’t seen before – what would change her mourning into dancing and make her weep loud with joy.

She saw hope and goodness and provision and life because He opened her eyes.

And I wonder.

What would I see if God opened my eyes?

What if my thirst has been seen and my well is already there? What if healing and hope and love and provision and comfort are all right there on the other side of the veil, waiting for my eyes to open? What if a well in the desert isn’t hard for God? What if my impossibles aren’t impossible at all?  What if my longings are known and what if my search could be over?

What if He opened my eyes and I saw what’s been there all along.

Genesis 21:8-19

we’re made for this

The story is this: disciples were sent ahead of Jesus, in a boat. Around 3 a.m. they see someone walking on the sea toward them, and think their eyes must be tricking them. Then the Someone speaks that He is Jesus, don’t be afraid.

{When the storm is building, listen closely.  “Have courage. It is I. Do not be afraid.” Because He has promised to never leave you, so you are never, ever, in the storm alone.}

And then Peter speaks (of course, it would be Peter). “If it’s You, command me to come to You on the water”. 

{Where are the ones who want to walk on water? Where are the disciples who want to do the impossible, willing to do something that feels unsafe? Where are we?}

So Jesus said “Come”.

{Come. Lay hands on this one for healing. Come, pray for that one and share the gospel with her in the middle of the grocery store because this is where I’m calling you to step out on the water. Come, step into unknown, go where you hadn’t planned, do what feels risky, give away what you’ve saved, forgive, apologize, bend low and wash feet and turn cheek and love. Let go of what you think you’re controlling and step into what you can’t control. You see, we’re all hearing Him say “Come”. We’re all invited to step out of safe, out of comfortable, out of what makes sense. We’re all beckoned to step onto water that moves under our feet and do impossible things. Are we doing it, though? Are we hearing “Come” and are we lifting our foot over the side of our lives, daring to walk in the power of Jesus?}

Peter did. “And climbing out of the boat, Peter started walking on the water and came toward Jesus.”

{There’s something in me that cheers for Peter in that moment. Something that feels like he’s walking on water for all of us. Being brave, taking the risk, daring to go into what’s unknown, because he wants to be like Jesus.}

And then fear came. Fear always comes. “But when he saw the strength of the wind, he was afraid. And beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me!”

{Fear sinks us every time. Afraid of what someone will think of us. What will they say to me? What if I look foolish, go broke, end up with nothing? What if it’s hard and what if I can’t do it and what if it’s dangerous and what if I get hurt? What if it changes everything and what if I can’t control what happens? What if they don’t love me back? What if I’m wrong? What if it doesn’t work? Fear comes riding in on the strong winds of ‘what if’.}

But Jesus doesn’t let us go under. “Immediately Jesus reached out His hand, caught hold of him, and said to him, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?” 

{Fear doesn’t talk to us about Jesus. It doesn’t remind us about faith. Faith says “look up”, while fear compels us to look down and look around. To see the strength of the wind and the opinions and the risk and the utter loss of control that walking on water creates. Fear diminishes faith and raises doubt. Causes us to question what we’ve heard, what we know, what we believe. Shifts us back into a safe religion where we’re calling the shots, doing what looks good, doing what stirs approval in those around us. Doing what doesn’t rock the boat. I hate fear, but sometimes I feel safer with fear than with faith.}

There are hard things to be done. There is risk and brave things waiting for our ‘yes’. The Kingdom of God must keep advancing and it is violently opposed. The winds of opposition are strong but I think we were made for strong winds. I think we’re fully equipped to withstand opposition, to do the brave thing. I believe that risk ceases to be risky when we are walking with Jesus. I believe that He inhabits His people, His Church, and nothing will stop us, no weapon will prevail against us, and defeat is not our destiny. I think we are people with greater faith than fear. I think we’re made to rock boats.

I think we’re made to walk on water. We just have to get out of the boat.

steppingoutoftheboat-754x437#letsgo #letslookatJesus #dontlookdown #wecandohardthings #betheChurch  #walkonwater #belikeJesus

(Matthew 14:25-31)

top 3 list, but bottom line, read the bible. find God.

In my previous post I talked about the top 3 reasons Christians aren’t reading the Bible. This time, I’m giving my top 3 scriptural reasons why Christians need to read the Bible.

You have been created with purpose, and there are good works that have been planned for you to do.  You need a thorough equipping in order to live the life and do the work God has for you, and it will only be done through Scripture.

But how have many believers twisted this one? By assuming that it means that scripture is useful to us for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training OTHER PEOPLE. So when (if) they spend time in God’s word, it is for that purpose — to prove that others are wrong. I have seen the fallout from those who have used Scripture against other people while ignoring what it says about themselves. It turns people away from the Word of God, and even from the Church. It wounds the Body of Christ.

I want to speak particularly to mothers and fathers. Do not attempt to train your children with the Word of God unless you are allowing it to train you. Do not wield an authority that has not been tempered with humility. We are never more humbled than when we allow the Word of God to tell us we are wrong and then teach us how to be right. If you do not train your children up with humility, it will be done with pride. And pride hurts more than the prideful.

The Word of God, describing itself:  I am alive. I am active. I am sharp. I am penetrating. I divide. I judge.

We know ourselves enough to know there are things that need to change. Thoughts, attitudes, motives. But the trend I have been witnessing is the people of God devouring anything that will tell them they are okay the way they are. Those soothing blog posts that tell us that we need to love ourselves, accept ourselves and be our own champions sound like truth to ears begging for something sweet. Sermons and podcasts that convince us that our greatest mission is to go out, love others and share the Gospel. So we have an entire generation of people doing just that. Just that. Because we forgot to tell them that before Jesus commissioned His disciples, He taught them, and He revealed their own hearts to them. He allowed Peter to deny Him, because Peter needed to know that denial was in him. He revealed the motives of brothers who wanted the best seats. He called His closest followers out for their lack of faith on numerous occasions. We like to look at the stories in scripture and see that His disciples were ordinary people, just like us. That makes us feel better about ourselves. But we fail to see that they became extraordinary people because they had been with Jesus, the Word of God, night and day for three years straight. The disciples did not remain the same people they were before they began following Him. Neither should we.

Jesus is the Word of God. Then and now.

To those first followers, He was alive and active. Sharp. Dividing. Judging. Is He the same for His followers today? Yes. If we are in the Word of God, allowing it to do the work of piercing, dividing and revealing. If not, we are a people learning to love ourselves to death, sharing a Gospel we are not really experiencing.

How can we live a life of purity? How do we seek Him with all of our heart? How do we keep ourselves from sin? Every answer is the same.

The Word of God.

How are you living according to the Word of God, if you are not living in the Word of God? If you are living according to the Word of God, then you are living according to His will and His ways. If you are not living according to His will and His ways — then you are living according to someone else’s will and ways. I’ll give you one guess as to who that someone is.

Where did David hide God’s Word? In the place where sin begins.

“But the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart, and these defile them. For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.” {Matthew 15:18-19} 

He didn’t hide it in his mind. While knowing the Word of God begins with mental knowledge, it cannot remain there. It must make its way into our soul (mind, will and emotions), into our heart. My personal opinion? We can know the Word of God in our minds, but still not believe it or trust it. But when we meditate on it, choosing to let it go into our hearts and bring forth change, then we are in a place of not just knowing His Word, but trusting it to be true and right.

So let’s review my top 3 reasons that Christians need to read the Bible:

  1.  We need to be thoroughly equipped to live the life God has called us to live. And, we need to be taught, rebuked, corrected and trained by the Word of God. We just do.
  2. We need the piercing, dividing, revealing work of the Word. We have no idea the things that are in our own hearts. We need the Word of God to tell us that we have hidden motives, thoughts, and desires that are contrary to Him, and that it’s just not ok to stay that way.
  3. We need the Word of God to keep us from sin. Bottom line. That will not happen through sermons, or through a brief or sporadic glance at scriptures. It comes when we have lived in the Word of God until it is living in us.

Jesus found me in a hospital cafeteria, covered in sin. I found Him in the scriptures, covered in blood and grace and mercy and kindness and truth and glory.

My life, my character, my motives, my thoughts, my belief system — all changed when I was found by Jesus and surrendered to His lordship. That was the timing of it. But the method of it was by immersing myself in the living Word of God, and staying there.

Read your Bible. Find God.

why christians aren’t reading the bible

{Disclaimer:  Everything I’ve written below pertains to those who claim to follow Christ.}

After taking a poll, and from my own experience, the top 3 reasons Christians give for not reading the Bible are:

  • I don’t understand what I’m reading.
  • I don’t have time.
  • It’s not relevant to our culture today.

They seem like reasonable excuses reasons, and if they weren’t life-threatening, I would let it go. But they are. They are life-threatening little lies that have been sown by the enemy of your soul. And you are the Church, so I love you and scripture is food that you need to stay alive. I can’t just ignore the fact that you are starving yourself to death, so I really want to try to convince you to eat.

– I don’t understand the Bible. It’s confusing to me. 

To be honest, I would be concerned if the Bible were an easy read. It is a complex book, with layers of meaning on every page, authored by a mysterious and complex God.  So we will read for all of our days and never fully get it. But as mysterious as He is, He does not hide from us in His Word. For the first 4 years after I came to Jesus, I had zero knowledge of God, and a Bible I didn’t understand.  But I wanted to know God. I needed to know His heart for me, and I believed I would find it in that book. So I read and read and read until little by little, understanding started to form. I also asked God to help me comprehend what I was reading, and He did, a little at a time. Twenty-nine year later, I’m still reading, still asking. But I understand a whole lot more than I did twenty-nine years ago.

There is no question that God wants us to know Him, and to know and comprehend His Word. I think the question begging for an answer is this:

How important is it to you that you know and understand the Word of God?

– I don’t have time.

It feels that way for all of us, but those feelings are not true. We can get up earlier, watch less television, put down our phones, get off of our computers, spend less time wasting time, and we’d have a lot of time on our hands. The issue is priorities, not time.  If you felt your body starving, food would be a priority, no matter what you had to give up in order to eat. But you don’t feel your spirit starving. You think the weekly sermon, maybe a podcast during the week or that five-minute devotional you have with your coffee is sufficient. That’s like trying to keep your body alive by eating nothing but biscuits. You’ll get no argument from me that biscuits are a mighty fine piece of food, but you cannot live on them.

Discipline is part of the priorities issue. I have the same problem, only with actual food. It’s easier to grab a quick bite of processed food than to take the effort and time to make a healthy meal (that makes us me lazy, not pressed for time). For years and years, we don’t see what our undisciplined lifestyle is doing to us, and then one day we find ourselves in a battle in which we are on the losing end. So I’ll ask you what I’ve had to ask myself:

How important is it to you to be healthy? 

– It’s not relevant to my life today. 

Yes. The names and the places are foreign to us, as are the cultures in which the word was written. I’ll give you all of that. But honestly, the Bible is so much more than names and places and cultural settings. It’s about people who cannot seem to grasp how deeply they are loved by God, so they wander around looking for love in all the wrong places. It’s about people who struggle to trust a God they can’t see, in spite of everything He’s done for them. It’s the story of fearful, weary, prideful, broken, unfaithful, strong-willed, weak-willed, sinful people trying to figure things out.  It’s about people who want to do good but keep returning to the mud hole again and again.  It’s about love and hate and hurt and truth and lies and fear and bravery. It’s about slavery and freedom, and how we can go from one to the other. It’s about hope. And it’s about the God who is the author of that hope, the giver of life, the healer of the broken, the giver of mercy, and the Savior of all who will believe Him, including you.

How can that not be relevant to you?

In many places, the Church is starving herself, or at best, subsisting on the sugary coated sermons of eager to please pastors and/or feel good devotionals. There are far too many of the people of God who do not know the word of God, which means they are ill-equipped to battle the lies that are ruling in the earth. I’ve encountered so many believers who live in fear, anxiety, and insecurity, and those same believers do not know, or have a very limited knowledge of, scripture. Coincidence, or principle?

But it’s more than just knowing what the bible says. I am convinced, more than ever before, that if we are to be people who know God, trust God, love God, and who are equipped to stand firm in the coming days, we must be a people who have the Word of God in us, and who believe that it’s true!

In my next post, I’m going to talk about what the Word of God has to say about the Word of God, and why it is imperative that we make it a priority in our lives as followers of Christ. Stay tuned!

 

i need Jesus (my prayer for deeper)

“I need 2018 to be different.” That’s what I said to God in the last hours of 2017. I said it to Him because I know it’s pointless to say it to myself. With age comes experience and I have experienced enough broken promises to myself, so I’ve stopped making them. Promises. Resolutions. Whatever. They are paper-thin and fragile as a young girl’s heart. But. Prayer is a dog with different hair. (Is that how that goes? Doesn’t seem right, but I’ll leave it there for the time being.) Prayer is much stronger than promises and resolutions and determination to change.

Prayer only depends on me to speak and believe. It depends on God to be fulfilled, and God is the most trustworthy Being I know.

When I told Him I wanted 2018 to be different, the word “deeper” echoed in my heart. Different isn’t always something new, sometimes it’s just, well, deeper.

So, here are the top 3 deeper things I am praying for God to do in me in 2018:

  • A deeper commitment to my health. I no longer have the luxury of youth or pretending that eating whatever I want isn’t going to hurt me. It already has. The processed food/junk food/fast food/sugary food way of life I lived for so long has caught up to me and now I find myself having to race the clock to try to reverse stupidity. It’s harder than it sounds. But, I need something other than “I can’t eat this or that” to keep me going. I need to apologize to my body for the way I treated it all these years. This has to be about honoring the only body God has given me, not getting into a certain dress size. I will need endurance, patience, and commitment. I’ll need Jesus.
  • Deeper relationships. Deeper, not wider. To know and be known. To go beyond the shallows with people. I don’t want more friends, I just want to go deeper with the ones I have.  As a high introvert, it will be both challenging and refreshing. Challenging, because my preference is to be alone. Refreshing, because surface only relationships with shallow chit-chat are far too draining for me. But because I am who I am, I know it will require that I do some things I’d rather avoid (besides leaving my house, because I could remain indoors, like, forever). I will need to be vulnerable. Honest with how I’m feeling. And I’ll need to be willing to ask and be asked hard questions. If I want deeper relationships, then I will need to be willing to let someone else go deeper into my life. I’ll need humility and openness. I’ll need Jesus.
  • A deeper fasting and prayer life. I know the power of prayer and fasting. I don’t know why it has power, or exactly how it has power, I just know that it does. Mountains have moved in my life, I believe, as a result of prayer and fasting. But then, you know, stuff happens. Like the ever-increasing grip of a food addiction. And complacency. And possibly the lack of desperation. So I need the desperation that comes from needing Jesus, if that makes sense. I need the hunger and thirst that sends me into deeper places in search of His heart and His power to move another mountain.

I want to know God more. I want to know His presence and His power in greater measure than before. I want my heart to expand to hold more of His love, His compassion, and His mercy. I want to love and serve His people with deeper consistency. I want to return to my first Love and let lesser loves fall away this year.

So I can’t make resolutions or promises. Nothing as wispy and fragile as all that.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will hear you. You will seek Me and find Me, when you seek Me with all your heart.” – Jeremiah 29:11

My resolution is a prayer because I need Jesus. And He promised I would find Him.

the f-word

aphiemi is our f-word. It means to send away, dismiss, set free.  It means to forgive.

So much has been said about forgiveness so I won’t go on and on. Probably. Maybe. We’ll see.

Here is what I have seen, what I am seeing, and what I myself have done:  searched the scriptures for a way out of forgiving someone, rather than for a way into it. Usually, our way out lies in a lack of repentance, or change, on the part of the person we need to forgive.  Most often the door out of forgiving is found in Luke 17:3-4.

“If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and comes back to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.” 

Ergo, if they don’t repent, we don’t have to forgive them. Two other places used as a way out of forgiveness are Colossians 3:13: “Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive.” and Ephesians 3:32 – “And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ.”

God’s forgiveness comes at our repentance, so we use repentance, or change, as our measuring stick of whether or not we have to forgive someone. So let’s just talk about that.

What if, in Luke 17, the point Jesus was making was not repentance, but forgiveness? What if He was addressing the heart of the forgiver, not the forgiven? What if He was saying “I don’t care how many times he does the same thing to you and keeps coming back and saying “sorry”…you cannot withhold forgiveness.”

I mean, what if someone coming back over and over again and repenting for the same sin isn’t really the definition of repentance, and therefore, repentance is not the criteria for forgiving someone seventy times seven?

So let’s throw Colossians and Ephesians up and see what sticks.

“Just as”. That’s what usually sticks. And so then we say God forgave us when we repented, so just as He did, we are to do. Ok, fair enough. Let’s talk about that.

What if we have no ability to offer anyone salvation and therefore, our forgiveness cannot be based on repentance? What if by “just as”, He was referring to any number of other things besides “when they repent”?

Like, completely. Fully. Unmerited. Forgiveness given when it is not even close to being deserved. Because that is how God has forgiven us in Christ, and it should make us out of our minds grateful. Not searching for a way not to give that same thing to others.

What if God was saying to us, “I so desired to forgive you that I sent my Son to die to make it happen”. What if forgiving as God forgave means looking for a way to forgive, rather than for a way not to forgive?

Well, what about repentance? What about it? First of all, those of us who are looking for a reason not to forgive, aren’t really looking for repentance. We want change. We are demanding to see the fruit of repentance before we forgive. Which is not the way that God has forgiven us. Not if we believe the gospel. What we really have to ask ourselves is not “did they repent”, but “what do we do with these scriptures”:

But if you don’t forgive people, your Father will not forgive your wrongdoing. – Matthew 6:15

And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven will also forgive you your wrongdoing. – Mark 11:25

Shouldn’t those statements have us scrambling to find a way to forgive the people who have hurt us, rather than trying to find justification not to forgive them?

I know what it feels like to have to forgive someone who has done you great harm, and not owned up to it. I know how hard that is and how gut-wrenching the work of forgiveness can be.  I know that it feels like forgiveness is the same as saying they didn’t do what they did, or that what they did doesn’t matter. It feels like they are getting away with something. It feels unjust.

This has become one of the deepest truths I know:  forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. If you are waiting to feel forgiving, stop it.  We have to stop trying to figure out what forgiveness feels like, and see what it looks like. Below is an excerpt from my book on the restoration of my marriage (the book is still in process):

It looks like never mentioning any of it ever again. No matter how mad I am. No matter how hurt I am. No matter how much I want to get back at him. I choose to let forgiven things remain forgiven.

It looks like not allowing my thoughts to turn over the rocks of the past, digging up the dirt of things buried in my forgiveness. In other words, I don’t think about the things I’ve forgiven. I just don’t. If those thoughts come in, I send them right back out. I choose to think of something else. I choose to start speaking Scripture about what is true about my husband. I choose to keep forgiving.

It looks like allowing my scars to be evidence of God’s healing instead of evidence of my wounding. Those scars didn’t all come from my husband. I had to forgive the person who molested me, the ex-husband who abused me, and [many others who have hurt me deeply throughout my life].

Forgiveness in my story looks like refusing to protect my own heart from pain. It’s staying vulnerable. It looks like trusting God.

It looks like remembering how very much I have been forgiven. It’s recognizing that what was done and what was said during those years were from a place of brokenness, and broken people do broken things and we are all broken at some point. You. Me. All of us have hurt people we love. Then we pull out our scales of justice and measure how much pain we’ve inflicted against how much pain we’ve been dealt and somehow, the scale always tips in our favor. I choose to throw away the scales of what justice looks like to me, because it is mercy and forgiveness I’ve been given by God, not justice.

If you are struggling with the f-word, then do what you know to do. Repent. Turn around. Go the other way. Look for a way into forgiveness instead of a way out of it.

I promised not to go on and on. Promise broken. Forgive me.