Tag Archives: Cancer

Yeah, but is it bigger than God?

“Don’t make this bigger than Me.”

For the second time in four years I heard God speak those words to me. In 2016 I was diagnosed with cancer, and in December of 2020 I was told I have diabetes. Both times I began to obsess. With the cancer, there wasn’t anything I could do except say yes to the surgery to remove all my “lady bits”. It was uterine cancer, so everything had to go, but what came and tried to stay was all manner of fear and worry, and what-if. Until God reminded me that He is bigger.

Yesterday, I realized that since December 22nd, I’ve been obsessing over Diabetes. On December 23rd, my entire lifestyle changed, meaning I stopped eating what was killing me and began eating what would help me live. I stopped being completely sedentary and began walking every day. My fingers are now pin cushions and my scale has come to expect my appearance first thing every morning. I’ve lost 10 pounds in the month since the diagnosis, but yesterday, it wasn’t enough. I was discouraged because neither weight nor blood sugar levels are going down fast enough. So I started trying to think of ways to get this diabetes thing turned around faster. And that’s when God repeated to me what He had said before –

“Don’t make this bigger than Me.”

It took decades – decades – of abusing my body to get me to this place, and decades are not undone in a month. Maybe not in six months. Could be a year. Could be more. So I need to settle in, put my head down and do the work of being kind to my body. A friend of mine quoted someone (I don’t know who) recently…

“Eating well is an act of worship”

…and it is amazingly effective motivation to put health instead of death into my body.

That’s the short version of my current circumstances. But I keep thinking of His word to me, and I want to impart what is on my heart to you ~

Don’t make your pain bigger than your Comforter.

Don’t make your illness, your diagnosis bigger than your Healer.

Don’t make your overdue bills or your job loss bigger than your Provider.

Don’t make your addiction bigger than your Deliverer.

Don’t make your chaos bigger than your Peace.

Don’t make what’s going on in our nation right now bigger than the One who rules the heavens and the earth.

Whatever you are dealing with today dear one, whatever is sitting with you at the moment, please remember that God is still the biggest power in the room.

Whatever is against you, make it bow to the One who is for you. Whatever lie is trying to convince you, make it bow to the One who is Truth.

He exercised this power in Christ by raising Him from the dead and seating Him at His right hand in the heavens— far above every ruler and authority, power and dominion, and every title given, not only in this age but also in the one to come. And He subjected everything under His feet and appointed Him as head over everything for the church, which is His body, the fullness of the one who fills all things in every way.

Ephesians 1:21-23

There is nothing in this world, nothing in your life, that is not subject to Jesus. His authority is bigger, His power is bigger, His rule and reign are bigger, and beloved, His love is so much bigger than any other love.

Jesus. His name is above every single name that can be named. Every last one.

Stop obsessing. Stop living in fear. Stop letting your heart be troubled. Stop making the storm bigger than God in your own heart and mind. He is and will always be the biggest power in any room.

Jesus, forgive me for letting anything become bigger than You in my mind. This storm is under Your beautiful feet. I will rest in the shadow of Your wing. I will rest in Your power. I will rest in Your goodness, Your faithfulness, and Your sovereignty over the heavens and the earth. I will rest in You, Jesus.

this is how we fight our battles

That cancer thing tho, right? Beastly is what it is. I bet you know someone who’s fighting it. We could stand on a busy street and point in any direction and find someone who is doing battle with the cancer Goliath on some level. Maybe that someone is you. Can I say it sucks? I think I can (my blog and all). And I’ve had cancer, so lemme just tell you that sucks is the right word. I was lucky. My cancer was found very early and a hysterectomy took it down. No chemo, no radiation. But the battle was still there, because fear was still there. And ain’t that just a fight and half when the diagnosis comes? Yeah, it is.

Right now, I have a friend who is in the thick of battle with a very aggressive breast cancer. She’s a Jesus loving gem of a girl. Wife. Mother to 3 very young kids.

Everyone’s fighting stance looks different. But one thing is certain – worship is a vital position for us to take during any battle. Worship is an incredible weapon, and I can attest to its power to bring fear to its knees and make faith the biggest giant in the room.

Heidi posted something to the Caring Bridge site that I think will bless you, even if you aren’t in a cancer war at the moment (because everyone is fighting some kind of battle, right?). I got her permission to reprint it here for you:

Surrounded

Journal entry by Heidi Wenzel — Mar 5, 2019

“Another round of chemo tomorrow. It always has me getting ready. Gearing up. Ready to face another round of battle.
But our family has a particular way that we fight our battles. And Jon and I have tried to cultivate a particular family culture in our home. Through good times and bad. If not every day, at least every week. We worship. At home. With the kids. We put the music on loud and we sing and we dance and we run and we twirl and we bow with our faces to the hardwood floor and we leap and we clap and we worship the King of Kings.

And we believe. We believe that our worship impacts the King, the kingdom, and our very own circumstances. We believe that it blesses our hearts, changes our perspective, and powerfully affects our circumstances. And in this particular season we believe our praise and worship defeats cancer. 
Would you dare to worship with us? Believe that our worship could conquer this enemy. This cancer.
This would not even be close to the first time that the worshipping is a catalyst for the conquering. One of my favorite Old Testament stories is found in 2 Chronicles 20 about a king named Jehoshaphat and a battle with vast armies from neighboring countries. A battle. A battle won by praise and shouts, not by weapons and strength. A battle that this leader was wise enough to recognize was not his, but the Lord’s.

It’s so worth reading the account for yourself, but here’s the summary. King Jehoshaphat receives a report that multiple armies are on their way to conquer them. The first thing this king does is call a fast and all the people inquire of the Lord as to what they should do. All of the people. One of my favorite verses of the story vs. 13, “All the men of Judah, with their wives and children and little ones. Stood there before the Lord.” That’s right, the little ones too. Our little ones are with us, looking to the Lord, seeing how He will answer, what He will do. Anyway, a prophet stands up and declares to the whole assembly, “Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s.” (Verse 15) He says the Lord is going to deliver them, they don’t have to be afraid, they just need to stand firm and watch the Lord gain the victory for them!
So then the king goes on and does something so incredible. So significant. So counterintuitive. He prepares his forces by sending out the worshippers as the front line. First. He calls to his people to have faith, and acts out his own faith by not sending out the greatest fighters or the biggest weapons, but rather believing what God has said and sending out the singers. The worshippers. “Jehoshaphat appointed men to sing to the Lord and to praise him for the splendor of his holiness as they went out AT THE HEAD of the army saying: ‘Give thanks to the Lord, for his love endures forever.” And just as the Lord had said, the people of Judah watched the Lord give them the victory. God himself set ambushes on the armies and they literally ended up killing and destroying each other rather than Judah.
Worship and victory.

Would you be so bold as to worship with us? Not just pray, but worship with us. Worship in the midst of a cancer diagnosis. Worship through a hard season of chemo. Worship as the army surrounds and invades. Worship as the waters rise and the fire surrounds. Worship as even the waves crash over us. Would you worship with us? It’s what we are doing. It’s what we have chosen to do. Give him our praise. Give him our worship. “

If you want to read their story, pray for them, or just follow along on their journey – here is the link to Heidi’s Caring Bridge site:

https://www.caringbridge.org/visit/heidiwenzel

this is how He captured my heart

matt-9It amazes me that I can read passages that I’ve read many times before, and still see something new. This chapter is full of familiar stories of healing and confrontation, but in the midst of all that He is saying and doing, I find the heart and character of Jesus.

And my own heart is compelled to run to Him all over again.

Some men brought to him a paralyzed man, lying on a mat. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the man, “Take heart, son; your sins are forgiven.”

His paralysis remained but his sins did not and Jesus called it a ‘take heart’ moment. And in those few moments between the spiritual healing and the physical healing, I wonder what the paralyzed man was thinking. Was he disappointed that Jesus gave him what he couldn’t see, leaving his physical need unmet? Did his heart do what mine does sometimes — put the spiritual healing in a pocket and hold out its hand for more of what it really wants?

And I wonder if, a few minutes later, he was blown away by the profound generosity of a Savior who gave him what he desperately needed and then lavished him with what he desperately wanted. Did it occur to him (or me) that the forgiveness of sins was what he needed the most and deserved the least? Me and that paralyzed man have this in common…

We should be blown away by the generosity of God.

 Knowing their thoughts, Jesus said, ‘Why do you entertain evil thoughts in your hearts?'”

Nothing is hidden. No thought. No action. No intent of my heart. But the lump in my throat is not because He knows. It’s there because He’s always known and it didn’t stop Him. He pursued me anyway. Chose me anyway. He is so very different from you and me. He has known all there is to know of me, and still He calls me beloved.

And this becomes the death knell to my shame:  I am fully known yet fully loved.

 “While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and sinners came and ate with him and his disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, ‘Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?'”

phariseesOf course they asked. They needed to make a point. Holy does not mingle with the unholy. Rules were breaking and they didn’t like it one bit. Most of us know at least one pharisee in our lives. Some of us have to look no further than a mirror.

But it is His answer that captivates me.

“I desire mercy”

For three months I didn’t know if there was cancer anywhere in my body other than my uterus. They saw something in my lung and then in my breast and the waiting about did me in. In that waiting, I found myself with one cry, and I raised it every day. “Lord have mercy.” Given the way I had treated and neglected my body, and my family history, I believed that the only way I was not going to have more cancer was through the mercy of God. 

Two days before Christmas mercy fell with the words “your PET scan is clean”.

The fact that Jesus eats with sinners means one thing to a pharisee and something else entirely to a sinner.

But His desire for mercy means everything to me.

girl-in-shockI love that He can move mountains, that His voice can shake the earth and that He can tell sickness and disease to get out and they have to obey. His power and authority leave me wide-eyed with wonder and awe.

But this…

He is profoundly generous, giving me what I desperately needed the most and deserved the least. And then He lavished me with what I desperately wanted. He fully knows me and my every thought. Every motive of my heart, every desire that is less than pure, every prideful, selfish piece of me. And He loves me still. And though judgment and punishment I have well earned, the desire of His heart is mercy. 

praise-you-god-i-give-it-all-to-youThis is how He captured my heart.

this uterus and the hard parts of the story

On Friday, September 30th I had some tests done, including a biopsy. On October 5th I was told I had complex endometrial hypoplasia, which is a thickening of the uterine wall. The complex part means it is abnormal and “suspicious” of cancer, even though the biopsy did not show any cancer cells. So, on October 25th I will meet with an oncologist, who is likely to highly recommend a hysterectomy. So be it. Goodbye, uterus.

So I’ve been processing all the thoughts and all the feels. At first, fear hit and made it hard to breathe. I thought of the people I know who have succumbed to cancer in the last year, including my older sister. But since then, I’ve talked to a couple of other women, including my younger sister, who had this complex endometrial hypoplasia and are fine. No cancer. So my fear has subsided considerably. But through all of the processing, talking and crying to God, I’ve learned a few new things…

okay

I can be afraid and still trust God. At first, I felt ashamed of being scared of this thing. My faith should be stronger than this, what will people think if they see fear in me, what kind of witness would that be, I need to be an example. But trying not to be afraid didn’t make me less afraid, it just kept my mind focused on the fear instead of on God. So I went to my favorite place in scripture, the Psalms, and discovered that often, David was afraid while he trusted God.

“Be gracious to me, Lord, for I am weak; heal me, Lord, for my bones are shaking; my whole being is shaken with terror…Turn, Lord! Rescue me; save me because of Your faithful love.” – Psalm 6:2-4

“How long will I store up anxious concerns within me, agony in my mind every day?…But I have trusted in Your faithful love; my heart will rejoice in Your deliverance.” Psalm 13:2,5

God, not fear, was always David’s final answer to his circumstances. Being afraid doesn’t mean fear gets to occupy the biggest place in my heart. It means that when I am afraid, I turn to the One I trust the most and I remember Him. I remember that Jesus holds my days, every single one.

When I am afraid, I put my trust in You. – Psalm 56:3   

created-for-his-glory

“Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth—  everyone who is called by My name, whom I created for My glory, whom I formed and made.”     Isaiah 43:6-7

This has to be my bottom line, otherwise, my bottom line will be me, and that never turns out well. But if I allow this to be more about God than it is about me, my perspective shifts and I stop projecting this thing out to the worst possible outcome. Instead, I whisper to God, and pray that my whole heart believes it…“whatever this is, whatever comes, my life is Yours and You get to decide how You will be glorified through it.”  The greatest desire of my heart right now is that whatever comes, God will be seen for who He is in the midst of it.

{Honesty check:} Actually, that’s not quite true. My greatest desire is that my uterus would stop being suspicious, and all of this would magically go away. Barring that, then by all means…let God be seen and may great be His glory.

change

Whether this turns out to be a simple deal or the worst case scenario, one thing is absolutely certain.

It will change me, but it will not change God.

God will remain exactly who He was before October 5th. Before my uterus became such a big deal. He remains trustworthy and good. He will do what is right, what is good, what pleases Him. His love for me has not wavered, His plans for me have not been derailed. Fear will try to tell me otherwise, but I have determined in advance where I will stand. My legs may shake, but I will stand on the unchanging goodness of God.

“ Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.“   James 1:17

The problem with God speaking truth to us is that He doesn’t speak it to just make us feel good.

Truth must be lived out if it’s going to change us. 

This life is my journey to walk out, but it is not my story to write. If it were, I would write out all the hard parts, the painful parts, the parts that scare me. But those are the very parts that bring me to the place of surrender, that force me to choose faith again and again, that bring me back to the reality that I am not in control, but I belong to the One who is. As difficult as it is to walk in those places, I have become convinced that He casts His shadow deep and wide over the hardest parts of our story.

How priceless is your unfailing love, O God!
    People take refuge in the shadow of your wings. (Ps. 36:7)