Tag Archives: Christianity

Covid, Revival, and the gaze of the church

It was Wednesday morning, August 19th, and I woke up with a headache and feeling like I had a chest cold. By the next day, it felt like full-on flu, but unlike any flu I had ever had. On Friday I got tested and on Sunday that test came back positive for Covid-19.

The next week was the sickest I’ve ever been. It was the flu on steroids. My joints felt like they were full of broken glass. I had horrible night sweats, a constant headache, a cough that would not quit, and less than zero energy. I couldn’t even think straight. I had more than one serious thought that I might die from this virus.

On day 10 the turn around came. Not a huge turn, more like a slight curve, but enough to give me hope. My joints stopped aching so bad, and I was able to come out of my room for a bit and walk through the house. One walk-through and then I had to go back to bed, but it was something. With each passing day it has gotten better, and today, my only symptoms are some shortness of breath, extreme fatigue, and a narly brain fog that sometimes makes it hard to focus, hard to communicate well, and hard to remember things. The cough is rare, if ever, now. No body pain. Some occasional congestion. I’ve read that it could be months yet before I feel back to normal. That’s ok. I honestly feel lucky to have survived it at all. I am very fortunate to have a husband who took such good care of me, even though he too tested positive. His symptoms lasted a day and then were gone and he was back to normal, except for the fatigue.

I also have a lifegroup of women who cared for us both for the first two weeks, by dropping off a meal every day. I usually find it very difficult to accept help like that, but there were days that I don’t think we would have eaten if not for that meal. I could barely stand up for more than a couple of minutes, and both of us were too fatigued to move much at all at times. I am so grateful for a community of women who jumped in to do what they could, dropping off food at our doorstep every day. Oh, another symptom that is still with me – I cannot taste or smell things. Actually, the taste seems to be improving. If something is tart, tangy, or salty, I can taste that. Otherwise, I’m just eating because I need to eat. I also struggle with bouts of nausea and stomach pain. This thing is a circus full of fun.

But, I had (have) a lot of people praying for me, including my family, and I believe with all my heart that those prayers moved heaven on my behalf. So thankful.

Ok, that’s my Covid ordeal. I survived and I am recovering. But lemme tell you the good stuff.

Before day 10, I couldn’t do much more than mutter “Jesus, help me” numerous times a day. But once symptoms began to subside, the tide turned. Covid often made it hard for me to sleep at night, so I began having lots of late-night worship sessions. Those sessions turned into prayer times, as I climbed back up on the wall to take my post as an intercessor, albeit a weakened, sometimes nauseous one. And then, my appetite returned with a ferocity I hadn’t seen in a while. Not an appetite for food, but for the Word of God, as I began a renewed search for the heart of my Father. I found my gaze had turned from being consumed with Covid, off of what’s been happening in the political arena and in the streets of our nation, and back to Jesus.

All of this had actually begun before Covid threw me against the rocks. Now, it’s rising up like flames that just hit the kitchen curtains. Spreading, growing. Because God used Covid to fan into life an ember that had only begun to burn. While my body was surviving, my soul began to thrive and that means God had His way and the enemy did not. Any way you turn it, it’s good.

I did not start the flame. I did not will myself to want more of Jesus or to seek more of His heart or to re-engage in intercession. It was not by my own strength or persistence that I came out of the worst part of Covid with a revival going on in my soul.

God is on the move.

And oh my gosh haven’t we all just been waiting for it? As chaos increases and lawlessness is more brazen than ever. As the deception grows thick and rage is running the streets, we’ve waited for God to pull back the curtain and reveal the truth and put everything right. But what if we’ve been looking in the wrong place for the move of God? What if He wants to do it in us, instead of out there? Perhaps the shaking starts with us, those who are called holy and righteous and belonging to Him. What if we’re the ones with the curtain and the need for truth in our innermost parts?

What if Jesus is turning the gaze of the Church away from what’s happening in the darkness and fixing it on Him who dwells in unapproachable light?

There is not one thing going on in the world right now that is outside of the sovereignty of God. Not one thing is thwarting His plans or altering His purposes in the earth. He is who He says He is. He will do what He said He will do. He has built His Church on the truth of the Gospel, and the gates of hell will not prevail against it. Nothing is hidden from His sight. He will neither slumber nor sleep. He is making ready His Bride, to present her to His Father.

Turning her gaze back to Him. Making a way in her wilderness and streams in her desert. Allowing the sifting and praying for her, that her faith will not fail. Calling her to return to her first Love, to choose the better thing, to love Him with all her heart, soul, mind and strength.

We look away from the natural realm and we fasten our gaze onto Jesus who birthed faith within us and who leads us forward into faith’s perfection. His example is this: Because his heart was focused on the joy of knowing that you would be his, he endured the agony of the cross and conquered its humiliation, and now sits exalted at the right hand of the throne of God!

Hebrews 12:2 – The Passion Translation
What is God doing in you right now, in the middle of what you’re going through?
How is He attempting to turn your gaze to Him?

something is changing and we need to hear about it

Sit for a minute. I want to share what God is doing in me, because I bet He’s doing something in you too and we need the stories of what He’s doing, don’t you think? Because there is stuff going down all over the place and we’ve chased that storm long enough and now it’s time. Time to fix our eyes on Jesus and see what’s shifting on the inside.

For me, it’s become late night worship sessions that leave me face down with a desire for more. For closer. For deeper and wider and just more. As much as I can get. Remembering that His presence is better than anything else and I am made for this presence.

It’s remembering the cry of my own heart for over 25 years – “Where are You going and what are You doing and can I come with You?” What happened to that cry? Where did my desire to be with Him go? I wonder if responsibility took it. Or weariness. Could have been self-sufficiency. I don’t know, but what I do know is God has been shifting things in my heart and I feel shaking happening and I think whatever took my overwhelming desire for His presence has been forced to give it back. I’m becoming consumed again and it’s so good, so painfully good.

There’s a fresh urgency to prayer. To stand on the wall and in the gap and to stay awake and pray. To declare His Word and hear His voice and sense His presence in the place of prayer for those around me. It’s the pressing of the Holy Spirit to prioritize prayer. Stop putting it at the end and put it at the start. The throne room is holy and grace and mercy are flowing from it. The One who sits on that throne has all power and all authority and He inclines His ear to hear us speak. He’s telling me to pray like that’s true again.

Things are changing and shaking and shifting and I am waking up from a sleep I didn’t know I had fallen into. Shaking off what has distracted and distressed and detained me. Laying down lesser pursuits and running back to my first love. There aren’t enough hallelujahs. Not nearly enough.

I don’t know what God has been doing in your heart lately, but I can tell you what He hasn’t been doing – He hasn’t been making it fearful. Or anxious. Or hopeless. He has not made your heart believe that evil is winning.

Unbelief is doing that.

Stop chasing the storm and just sit with Him in His perfect peace. Let Him reveal what He’s doing in you. Let Him call you back from the chaos and stoke the flame in your heart for Him again. Let Him remind you that you are not in danger, you are fiercely loved by the God of heaven and earth and you belong in the consuming fire of His presence. Let Him give you back your voice, not so you can shout at the world, but so you can declare His truth and His praises and so you can prophesy to dry bones so they will live. Let Him shake you awake.

And then tell us about it, because we need to hear it.

…It’s not meant to be a secret.

Genesis 34—The Lost Victims

Dinah was a young girl that historians say was around 15. Her father was Jacob, son of Isaac, son of Abraham, father of the Israelites. Schechem was a prince, son of King Hamor. Gentiles.

Schechem raped Dinah, Jacob’s daughter, and in her culture, it meant she was ruined. King Hamor recognizes that he must act quickly, but it wasn’t with any sort of sorrow for his son’s sin. It was opportunity that he had in mind.

But Hamor said to them… Intermarry with us; give us your daughters and take our daughters for yourselves.  You can settle among us; the land is open to you. Live in it, trade in it, and acquire property in it.

Dinah’s brothers wanted something else. They agreed to Hamor’s request, with one condition. Every one of their males had to get circumcised, in keeping with the Abrahamic covenant. No male can be part of that covenant without circumcision. And they know what adult circumcision will do to the men. It will incapacitate them, make them unable to fight when the brothers come for their revenge.

They shook hands or exchanged goats or whatever they did back then to seal a deal, and 3 days later the brothers attacked. All the men, including the king and his son, were killed, Dinah was rescued and brought back home. And then they faced Jacob.

Then Jacob said to Simeon and Levi, “You have brought trouble on me by making me obnoxious to the Canaanites and Perizzites, the people living in this land. We are few in number, and if they join forces against me and attack me, I and my household will be destroyed.”

As I read this story, I sensed that Dinah got lost in the middle of two sides trying to get what they wanted. Lost in the deception, the violence, and greed. Lost between people who made her victimization about themselves.

And now I’m looking at us.

I’m looking at the burning cities, the utter destruction being rained down, and the sounds of voices that are screaming their hatred. I see the fury of a generation determined to eradicate the history of a nation they admittedly hate, burning the flag that covers the coffins of men and women who died defending that same nation, and their right to burn it down. There is no reasoning. No actual conversations taking place. Maybe talking was attempted in the beginning, but not now. Now, an angry Godzilla is seeking revenge for something. Anything. Everything. Violence, hatred, deception, mistrust, and confusion – it’s the air we breathe now.

I wonder if Dinah felt seen. I wonder if she felt that her family cared more about what was done to her, than how it affected them.

I wonder the same thing about the many victims we have today. The black ones. The white ones. The brown ones and those of every other color. The ones in jogging shorts and the ones in uniform. The children. The grieving families.

If a kingdom is divided against itself, that kingdom cannot stand.
{Mark 3:24}

Genesis 33—Restoration

Jacob was about to see his brother, Esau, for the first time since the “great deception” that cheated Esau out of his birthright and stole his blessing. Jacob was scared and divided up his wives and children to hopefully save some of them if Esau attacked. In Jacob’s mind, he was Esau’s enemy, and for good reason, so he was prepared for the worst.

“But Esau ran to meet him and embraced him and fell on his neck and kissed him, and they wept.” (vs. 4)

Jacob came to his brother in humility. Esau came with mercy and forgiveness. Relationship was restored. And in that beautiful picture, I saw another…

And we, who had sinned against Him and became His enemy in our own mind, came with our humility. He came with His mercy and forgiveness. Relationship was restored.

Esau had clearly forgiven Jacob before they even met that day. But had Jacob refused to humble himself, he may never have experienced that forgiveness. A rebellious, arrogant posture toward Esau might have put Jacob at war with him and clearly, it would have been a war he would lose.

It is strange to me that I see myself in Jacob. Even stranger that I see God in Esau. But then again, it’s just like Him to show up in such an unusual place. He wants to be seen. He continually exposes His heart in His Word so that we can find it.

God does not want to be our enemy, He wants to be our Father. If we come with our humility, He will always meet us with His mercy. He will bring restoration.

the lie behind ‘you are enough’

I’ve written about this topic before, more than once. Just stating upfront that I am aware that this is not the first time I’ve brought it up in our conversations. I didn’t forget and you can stop trying to spell d-e-m-e-n-t-i-a in your head. I don’t have it. But I do have a passion for this particular subject and as long as it is poisoning the Church, I’ll keep talking about it.

For most of my life I believed I was not enough. And by most of my life I mean since I was a little girl lost in a family of dysfunction, feeling invisible and voiceless. Not enough to stop the chaos around me. I grew up and left that home, but ‘not enough’ left with me and it about did me in.

The fear/belief/suspicion that we are not enough is a weapon the enemy is using against the Church quite effectively. It breeds comparison in us. It brings depression and anxiety, striving, and self-hatred. But it is not being used in the way most of us would think.

It is truth he is using, not a lie.

I have yet to find one thing in the Word of God that tells me that I am enough. Instead, He paints picture after picture of just the opposite.

We’ll start with the loaves and the fish. The little boy with a small lunch, among 5,000 hungry people, offered what he had. It was clearly not enough.

The poor widow who put her two very small copper coins in the offering plate. Not enough to help anyone, but it was all she had.

The crippled man at the pool of Bethesda. He didn’t have enough strength to get himself into the pool and get his healing.

The disciples with not enough faith in the storm.

The countless times that the Israelites did not have enough of anything to win their battles.

And the most glaring not enough of them all – our severe lack of enough righteousness to save ourselves.

There’s more, but I think you get my point. We are not enough. It’s the truth, but it’s the lie the enemy puts behind it that makes it a weapon against us.

We should be enough.

Just a little twist of the truth and you have a sharp weapon to use against the psyche of God’s people. Something that will keep them focused on themselves for generations. A should that keeps them chasing what they will never catch.

Can we begin to see it from a different perspective, and turn that weapon around?

What if my enough would keep someone from seeing their need for Jesus? If I’m enough for my husband, why will he go to God to be filled? If I’m enough for my children, why would they learn to depend on God? What if I let go of the need to be enough, because I know the truth?

Has it occurred to us that the enemy’s scheme is to make everything about us? To keep us focused on our smallness, our failures, our weaknesses (or, our strengths, our victories and successes). Either way, it turns us inward. Really, that’s what this “not enough” thing is about, don’t you think? Us. But if we would pick up the Word of God and read it, we would find the truth and the truth would set us free.

We are not enough. God is. That’s the whole point. God is our deliverer, our healer, our all the things that we are not. That’s why we must set our eyes on Him. Set our hearts on Him. Set our faith on Him. And stop trying to be enough so that we are justified in setting all of that on ourselves.

Let’s spare ourselves the self-help books and the memes that show us whispering to ourselves “you are enough”. Let’s refuse to listen to those who, with the best of intentions, keep trying to convince us that we are enough.

Instead, let’s repent. Turn around. Go the other way. The way that glorifies God for being more than enough, for having strength that is perfected in our weaknesses, for being not just everything we need, but everything those around us need.

Let’s repent of giving God glory and then beating ourselves up. Of singing His praises and then silently screaming our self-loathing at ourselves. It’s a grievous thing we are doing when we say He is our all in all, but walk around feeling shame that we can’t be the all in all for others. It is making us sick – physically, emotionally and spiritually sick.

After many years in the Word of God, walking with Him, learning Him, I no longer feel the need to be enough. My God is enough and this is about Him. My family needs Him, not me, to be enough. My friends, my community, the lost around me – they all need Him to be enough.

Christianity is about Christ. We will not be healed until we stop making it about us.

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

Colossians 3:1-4

John 6; Mark 12; John 5; Mark 4;

this pandemic: finding what is true

Pandemic. Something (a disease) that is prevalent over a whole country, or the whole earth.

Maybe you’re thinking the title to this post says that I don’t believe there is a real pandemic going on. That would be untrue. I 100% believe that Covid-19 is real, it is deadly, and it is a threat to all of us. That part is very clear to me. After that, it gets a little murky.

I recently posted a video on my Facebook page called Plandemic, the interview of Dr. Judy Mikovits, a scientist. In the interview she basically asserts that corruption in high places muzzles the research of scientists who’s discoveries threaten agendas. She also dances around the assertion that Covid-19 was manufactured and released on purpose.

I received a lot of feedback from posting that video. I discovered that a LOT of people are thinking what I’m thinking and that is that something is afoot. Something doesn’t smell right to us, not just about this pandemic, but about the response to it. I also got other feedback using words like propaganda, and conspiracy theories. I received articles from a number of people that refute Dr. Mikovits, and I read them all. Somewhere in all of it, there is truth and I think only God knows what that truth is for sure. Maybe Dr. Mikovits’ story was missing some facts. That doesn’t mean that researchers are not being muzzled by corrupt people in high places. It also doesn’t mean that Covid-19 was intentionally released upon the world.

Maybe I’m just part of a generation that is naturally suspicious of big government, big medicine, big things that lean toward serving their bottom dollar or need for power more than they lean toward our best interests. Or, maybe I’m part of a generation that has seen its fill of corruption and greed and lies coming from people in positions of power, so we don’t fall for every sincere statement they make and when something stinks, we know something is rotten.

Somewhere in the middle of the ones who believe that things are what they appear and that fear is the appropriate response, and the ones who are refusing to be herded off the cliff they think is just up ahead, is the truth. But after having a few days to ponder all of this, I’ve decided it’s not that particular truth that I want.

The truths of man won’t bring peace to my soul. Only God’s truth will do that. So here is what I know:

“But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power.” {2 Timothy 3:1-5}

This world is not going to become a better place. The darkness will grow darker – that is an absolute truth and I will not be moved to believe otherwise.

“Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.” {Ephesians 5:15-16}

I have come to the conclusion that the best use of my time is not trying to convince people that the world is evil, but rather in reminding people that God is good. No matter how much power men wield on this earth, it cannot compare to the power of God, and it is God’s power that gives me comfort and strength.

I do believe we are called to expose the deeds of darkness, but not necessarily by posting a video that I cannot know with absolute certainty is completely true. It was my natural suspicions being confirmed that prompted me to “expose” the darkness by way of posting that video. But my suspicions, even the valid ones, are not what God has told me to put on a lampstand. The mistrust so prevalent in my generation, even when valid, is not what God has given me for making sound judgments.

It is the Holy Spirit within me and the Word of God that will enable me to speak truth amidst the swirling myths, half-truths, uncertainties and suspicions that are thick in the air around us right now.

God is good and He is in control and He will use everything for His glory. I have nothing to fear and He will lead me and guide me through this or around it, whichever He chooses. He will be who He has always been, regardless of who men have become. If I have come to a place of trusting no man, I know I can trust my God. He does not lie, He does not deceive. I never have to wonder about His intentions or His motives. He remains faithful, merciful, and full of compassion. He is light and in Him there is no darkness.

The Word of God tells me that I live in a fallen world that will progressively become darker, but even so, I have a great hope in heaven, and a great purpose in this world. I need not try to make sense of what is going on in the dark, but I do need to be alert, fully awake, and praying.

It is not the schemes of men that God has admonished me to recognize.

“Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.” {Ephesians 6:11}

“Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” {1Peter 5:8}

So for all of those who raised fists in the air in agreement with my suspicions, thank you for your solidarity. And for those who pushed back, thank you for your willingness to do so. It is because of this push and pull that I sat down with God to seek what is true and received His staff and His rod repositioning my heart back where it belongs. In His word, in His truth. Fighting the right battle, and the right enemy.

Because we are growing ever nearer to the end. Will it be in my lifetime? Maybe, maybe not. The time is not for me to know. But I can know the signs. I can know that wading into the muck and mire of what is happening in the physical realm, will not equip me for what is needed in the spiritual realm.

Keep praying, always. Stay alert, keep watching, don’t get distracted. Stay thankful.

me and this pandemic

Just typing the title to this thing is surreal. Pandemic? Did not see that coming. But here it is and all of our normal just went away to we don’t know where. Everything is shaking and everything keeps changing, and this is all just so weird, right? It’s weird. Bizarre. But it’s our life right now so I’m trying to roll with it. Some days I roll better than others.

I’m fortunate to be able to work from home, but it has been an eye-opening experience, to say the least. Here are a few things I’ve noticed:

I should not be allowed to remain in my pajamas all day. It messes with my mental health. Causes me to shuffle my feet and not wash my hair. I’ve finally compromised with myself. Real clothes on top, pajamas on the bottom. Besides helping me feel more human, I can Zoom with confidence. Again, something I never imagined myself saying. Ever. But here we are. Zooming in my underwear and a blouse.

My friend told me she walked for 2 miles today. Yeah, well, I made 647 trips from my office (bedroom) to my refrigerator, so right back at ya, sister. You know how there are certain animals that you can’t give an unlimited supply of food to, because they’ll just eat themselves to death?

Seriously though, I’m in need of an electric fence around my kitchen, so any recommendations for whoever installs those would be much appreciated.

I need structure, apparently. Did not know that about myself. Before the whole world got sick, I would have described myself as a seat of my pants, roll with the changes, whatever, kinda girl. Like, hippie-ish, only fatter. And less smiley.

Turns out, I am nothing of the sort. I’m more like an accountant, without the math skills. I need the ship to be tight and I need sharpened pencils. I need to-do lists and color coded spreadsheets and timely responses to my emails so that I don’t become overwhelmed and spend an inordinate amount of time in therapy and by therapy I mean eating all the food.

I am an introvert. I didn’t just learn that, I’ve known it since someone posted the symptoms on Facebook one day and healed my world. My general dislike for being around people became a legitimate thing. So naturally, I thought to myself “social distancing? lots of alone time? people can’t touch me or stand too close to me? Step aside ma’am, and let the expert through. I can shelter in place all.day.long.”

And now I’m waving at the mailman like he’s my person. Him and the UPS guy. And random people walking by my house.

A pandemic changes you.

But it does not change God.

While something is literally changing the world, He remains the same. Still near. There remains a peace that cannot be explained. A knowing that things are being handled from the throne of heaven, a power far greater than this virus, a plan that has not been thwarted or defeated in any way. A purpose that is from the beginning and to the end.

This is hard, this thing we are all going through. We’re all experiencing some kind of loss and it can become the only thing we see. But this truth still remains:

In the middle of a pandemic, the people of God are still the people of abundant life. Don’t let the devil try to convince you otherwise.