my heart in the song

I recently experienced a bit of a traumatic event, which I fully intend to blog about very soon. But it left me fearful and sent me into a seclusion of sorts, even from (especially from) God. So this morning I opened my bible and put on a worship song. And then I was on my knees.

“Here I am, down on my knees again, Surrendering all, Surrendering all…”
 I know. I’ve been here before. I thought “all” meant “all” the last time I surrendered all. So I want to apologize for this white flag, but I can’t. I’m too exhausted. Made weak by my own strength.  I tried to buck up, suck it up, just move forward and move on. I wanted to be a big girl. A grown up. A warrior. Instead, here I am, down on my knees surrendering all. Again.
 “Find me here, Lord as You draw me near, Desperate for You, Desperate for You”
 Are You surprised by my desperation? Shouldn’t I be out moving mountains and slaying darkness with confidence? Shouldn’t there be a bible study or sermon that took hold, preventing me from landing in this place, trying to bat away condemnation for being so desperate? For You. The One I have been avoiding, running from for days, maybe longer. Are You surprised, like me, that my desperation is for You?
 “Drench my soul, as mercy and grace unfold, I hunger and thirst, I hunger and thirst”
 Don’t be thrifty. Not today. I need all You have to give. Mercy. For things done and undone. Said and unsaid. For the second guessing, the what if’s and the why’s. Mercy for the bruises left by my self-loathing. Mix it with Grace. Water that washes it all away, leaving me back on my feet but not far from my knees.
 I know. I should be full by now, because You have poured and poured and poured. But this is me. Panting, hands cupped like a beggar. Begging for more. And in the air around me a question hovers – “Why are you here, begging, again?”, and the implication reeks of shame.

Because I hunger. Because I thirst. Because I know that if I come, He will give. Because what He has never runs out.

 “With arms stretched wide, I know You hear my cry, Speak to me now, Speak to me now.”
 I just need Your voice to say something, anything. Is that ok? Is it ok that my heart is hiding right now, and the only thing that will bring it out is Your voice? Is it ok that all of my desperation, all of my hunger, all of my flag waving on my knees surrender it all again comes down to “speak to me God. Please.”?
 And so I heard, finally. Because He had been speaking all along, but my heart had hands over my ears and my eyes shut tight because I have been afraid. But here on my scratchy carpet with the song playing from the little speakers attached to my old computer, the hands came down,  and I discovered the real fear. The one I hadn’t named.

“I’m with you.”

Three words that spoke many more.

“I am here, not over there waiting for you to get over it. Peace is here, not around the corner waiting for you stop being afraid.  Mercy is here, not over there waiting for you to feel bad enough, sorry enough, or anything enough.  Grace is here, not waiting somewhere else for you to get stronger and braver. Love is still here. Right here.  I am not mad at you, disappointed in you or finished with you.  I am not waiting for you. I am with you.”

Thank You Jesus, for hearing my heart in the song. For knowing what to sing back to me.

“I Surrender” – Hillsong Live

 
 
 

i need to know

The news spread. People were bringing others with them, and soon there was quite a crowd. There were sick people everywhere…because they had heard. People in pain, some having seizures, some paralyzed. And, really? Yes, really. The demon possessed were there. Oh, it was all very messy. Very unsanitary. Strangely enough, He didn’t seem the least bit uncomfortable.

He healed them. All of them. Even the messy ones. And the crowd kept coming, growing, following Him

nail pierced hand of Jesus editedI’m trying to watch it all through the eyes of a disciple. Who is this man Jesus, this magnet for broken and messy people? This One with beautiful mercy for the pained, the shaking, the sick-to-the-bone and out-of-their-mind ones? They saw healing flow from beautiful hands that would soon be wrecked by the nails of their sin. But they didn’t know that yet. They only knew that He was willing to touch messy and broken. He became the destination for the desperate and the desperate left healed. And the eyes of a disciple grow wide.

Because I know. I know those hands with their scars and the nails that put them there. I know beautiful mercy. I know the willing touch of the Healer God who beckoned me to follow Him and now we’re standing in the midst of messy and I need to know what I know. Love heals broken. Mercy triumphs over judgement. Holy came to unholy to make it holy. Scarred hands are beautiful and blood washes clean and God came to messy people because messy people need God.

And if I’m going to follow Him, I need to know. 

“Jesus went throughout Galilee, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the good news of the kingdom, and healing every disease and sickness among the people.  News about Him spread all over Syria, and people brought to Him all who were ill with various diseases, those suffering severe pain, the demon-possessed, those having seizures, and the paralyzed, and He healed them.” Matthew 4:23-24

desperate encounters – pt. 1

Desperation comes in various ways, but it touches all of us at one time or another. Loss of income, out of control addictions, marriage in crisis, illness, a child walking in darkness. Or maybe it’s deep shame that you can’t get away from, a need that keeps you running in the wrong direction, a loneliness that threatens to overwhelm you. Many are the reasons that people find themselves with the deep ache of desperation.  This will be part 1 of a 4 part post looking at 4 desperate women who encountered Jesus in scripture.

From John 4:3-32:

The Woman at the Well ~

First, I want to note an important point at the very beginning of this account.

woman at wellJesus was leaving Judea to return to Galilee. The text states in verse 4, “Now he had to go through Samaria”. The original language meant it was “necessary” to go through Samaria. But Samaria was not the only route, nor the usual route for Jews traveling that way. In fact, Jews typically went around Samaria, to avoid any contact with Samaritans (huge, huge feud/hatred between Jews and Samaritans). Yet, Jesus found it necessary to go through Samaria. And in doing so, He encountered a woman who desperately needed to meet Him.

No encounter with Jesus is accidental. 

So, at around noon (the sixth hour), He came to a well and, tired from His journey, He sat down.  Enter the Samaritan woman, coming to draw water from the well. This is where Jesus begins to break the rules.

“Jesus said to her, ‘Will you give me a drink?'” (v. 7).

Couple of things:  First, Jews did not speak to Samaritans. Second, a Jewish man would never have spoken to a Samaritan woman.

Our rules will not stop Jesus from encountering us.

 So begins an exchange between a desperate woman and the One who can answer her desperation.

The conversation begins as a verbal dance between these two strangers. He begins to speak of water and thirst. He speaks spiritually, she hears in the natural.  Finally, He puts his divine finger on the very spot that will reveal who He really is to her unseeing eyes. “Go get your husband.” A quick pirouette as she replies, “I have no husband.”

An encounter with Jesus may uncover something we would rather keep covered.

 So Jesus pulled back the cover. “The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.”  

Married five times, and now living in sin. I think it’s safe to say that this woman had some shame going on. Many of the commentaries I read all agree that she probably came to the well alone, rather than when the other women would have come, to avoid the scorn that was likely a way of life for her.

But here she is, in a counter-cultural conversation with a Jewish man who is obviously a prophet, likely to her discomfort.  And then, probably to her relief, the subject shifts to worship, and a life-altering revelation. This Jewish man, who purposely came into a place inhabited by despised people, broke the cultural rules and exposed what she tried to hide from Him…was her Savior.  What was a girl to do? She went back to town and told others.

woman's eyeI imagine this woman, and what may have been her desperation. She was a woman with a reputation. Her sin identified her. Shame and the scorn of others dogged her steps. If it were me, what would I be desperate for? I would have been looking for and wanting security and love. But I would have been desperate for a new identity.

Now, look at verse 39 ~”Many of the Samaritans from that town believed in Him because of the woman’s testimony, ‘He told me everything I ever did.'”

As she left the well that day, she went from outcast to missionary. From a woman living in shame to a woman with something important to proclaim. A new identity.

All from one desperate encounter with Jesus. Living water…quenching an unquenchable thirst.

Read Part 2 of Desperate Encounters.