Tag Archives: Jesus

the full wage

Matthew 27:11-50

I caught glimpses of the disciples’ faces as I imagine them to look. Seeking them out, dispersed among the crowd, I saw their pain and confusion. Suddenly, it was all careening out of control, going way too fast. He had warned them, but they hadn’t understood. Still didn’t. They could only watch and hope that somehow this was all going to end well.  I wish I could tell them what I know of these familiar, far away events.

The pain of that thought stops me, as my eyes turn to my heart. Is that what this has become for me? Familiar? I push my way to the front of the crowd, my eyes searching for His face now. Finding Him, my heart desperately whispers above the shouts of the crowd calling for His death. “Jesus! Is that what You have become to me?” The pain in my heart rushes at me all over again and my eyes spill tears as they look at His. “Is that why I’m here, back at the beginning with You? Searching for unfamiliar?”

So I follow, determined not to lose sight of Him, wanting to see. Not something new but something that has been there all along. Unfamiliar. The whip comes down as His eyes watch me watching. And He is silent.

Our eyes are locked as the thorns cut into His flesh and the spit hits His face. The staff they used to mock Him now comes down upon His head again and again. I want to look away. And He is silent.

I walk with Him up the hill, precious blood already flowing. The noise is deafening as the crowd follows and the nails are driven in. And He is silent. Also deafening.

I find His silence disturbing. Offense, injustice, lies…this scene has it all. Why are You so silent? Why do You not fight back? Why do You not lash out at the ones who are hurting You? Why are You so unlike me?

It grows dark as I watch Him labor to breathe. And then. Finally. The cry erupts from His beaten body. “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”. I see His eyes. He is watching me watching Him, as though He is willing me to remember.

“…you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die.”

“The wages of sin is death.”  

Death. Separation from God.

The full wage must be paid.

The whip and the nails You took in silence. But the final wage, separation from God, brought forth Your cry and You called it forsaken.

This. This is unfamiliar to me. That I shall never have to know the pain of the one thing that broke Your silence. That the full wage of my sin was more than a crucifixion.

My heart is full, heavy, as I move to the ground beneath where He hangs and I lie down under the crimson flow no longer so familiar.

And He meets me here in this place with one final gift for my aching heart.

“You were worth the full wage.”

He has wrecked familiar.

Thank You, Jesus.

taking the cup

Matthew 26:36-46   Mark 14:32-42   Luke 22:39-46

They were gone now, and the garden was quiet. Jesus had been arrested, His disciples scattered. As for me, I am compelled to remain here, allowing what I had seen and heard to seep into deep places.

His words still hang in the air among the trees…“My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from Me. Yet not as I will, but as You will.”  

“…not as I will, but as You will.”  As I watched Him, the words echo familiar to me. They have flowed easily from me over the years. “Not my will, but Yours be done!” “I just want God’s will for my life.” “Lord, have Your way!” I see Him there, on the ground and I hear my voice speaking out those words. And I see Him there, on the ground sweating blood and I hear my voice. And somewhere inside of me something is tearing. Something hurts. Something that was hidden in darkness is backing away from the light coming in…but it’s too late.

“The words come easy, but there is no battle being waged for them. You say the words, but when your flesh resists you surrender to defeat. You say the words, because they are part of the Christian vocabulary of magic words spoken because they are the ‘right’ thing to say. You say the words, because you believe that My will looks like your will. You say the words. You want My will but you wants yours too. You say the words and then let the cup pass.”

I followed Him here, and He exposed my heart.

in the dirtEverything in me wants to lay on the ground where He had been, to press my cheek into the dirt still wet with His tears and sweat turned to blood. I want to capture it all, this war between flesh and Spirit, and hold it tightly somewhere inside of me. Because I want it to change me.

I listened as He asked for the last time…”if it is possible, may this cup be taken from Me…”. I heard no response. Maybe He did. Maybe His Father spoke words of comfort and strength to Him. Maybe He heard nothing because sometimes the silence of God says everything. Either way, it was done. He took the cup and set His face toward Golgotha. Death for Life. Victory was secured.

I followed Him here and I learned. “Not as I will but as You will” are the words of battle. Jesus didn’t enter Gethsemane and surrender His will so that I wouldn’t have to. He did it so that I could. He overcame so that I could overcome.

Death for life. Not a drink to be sipped. It is a cup to be taken hold of with both hands and swallowed down. It is hard. Agony. Weeping and falling face to the earth in surrender.

It is the prelude to victory.


the things of God

He was in our midst. Listening. Watching. Whispering. None of us saw him there, except Jesus. Jesus heard. Jesus knew. 

“From that time on Jesus began to explain to his disciples that He must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things at the hands of the elders, chief priests and teachers of the law, and that He must be killed and on the third day be raised to life.  Peter took Him aside and began to rebuke Him. “Never, Lord!” he said. “This shall never happen to You!”  Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind Me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to Me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men.”

 Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. ” Matthew 16:21-24

We like to wonder. We wonder if Satan knew from the beginning that Jesus’ death would bring about his defeat. I’ve sat in on numerous discussions of wonderings. “No, he couldn’t have known. He is not omniscient.” “He knew. That’s why he was trying to kill Jesus ahead of time, to stop Him from going to the cross.” “He probably knew some things, but he didn’t know the whole plan.” We wonder, and then we move on.

But today I couldn’t move on. I stood there listening to Jesus address the unseen one speaking through Peter. Whether Satan knew the whole plan or not, Jesus had just announced part of it. Satan knew that it was the will and the plan of the Most High God for Jesus to go to Jerusalem, be killed and then be raised to life.

And surely Satan knows that any plan of God’s will not end well for him.

And so I wonder. What has Satan tried to stop in my life? What part of my destiny has he overheard, and whispered “No!”, because he knows that my destiny fulfilled will not be good for him?

How has he tried to convince me that sacrificing myself on behalf of someone else isn’t in my best interest?

How many times have I been persuaded that doing the hard work of dying to my own needs and wants isn’t what God requires?

Dying to self. Loving the the one undeserving of love. Showing mercy instead of judgment. Praying for the one who hurt me. Doing what is right instead of what is easy. Fighting for a relationship I would rather walk away from. Turning the other cheek. Giving when I have little to give. Pushing through when I’d rather give up.  Being open and vulnerable when I would rather hide and self-protect. Believing for the impossible instead of settling for the possible. Choosing brokenness and humility over my pride.

Picking up my cross. Losing my life for Christ.

The things of God and the things of men.

And in the midst of God’s people, there is one who is whispering “No! Never!”.

May I, may we, the Church, learn to discern. And may our voice be heard echoing through the realms of darkness…

“Get behind Me, Satan!”

it’s not about clean hands

Matthew 15:1-20

This is my continuing journey through the gospels, standing among the disciples of Jesus, watching, listening and discovering Him anew.

There we were, surrounded again by hoards of people. Well, Jesus was surrounded. The people weren’t there to see us or touch our clothes. Good thing, since I think most of us were still stunned by the whole “He walked on water and oh my goodness He really is God’s Son” worship event that had taken place earlier. Our minds are blown and life is so different now and we’re just trying to keep up with this Man that everyone wants to touch.

So yeah, there we were, and here they came. You couldn’t miss them if you tried. Everything about them was intended to say “I am above you, get out of my way”. Pharisees. All dressed up, heads held way too high, making every attempt to not actually touch any of the unclean, common people. They came with a bone to pick with Jesus. “Why do your disciples break the tradition of the elders? They don’t wash their hands before they eat!” (Matthew 15:2)

I nearly bit my tongue off to keep from laughing at the topic of their confrontation. Hand washing? Really? That’s what has your robes in a bunch? Yes, yes it is. The great rule (tradition) of washing up before supper had been violated and someone had to answer for that. So Jesus would answer. I leaned in close so I could hear Him give it to them.

And give it to them He did.

“Jesus replied, “And why do you break the command of God for the sake of your tradition? For God said, ‘Honor your father and mother’ and ‘Anyone who curses his father or mother must be put to death.’ But you say that if a man says to his father or mother, ‘Whatever help you might otherwise have received from me is a gift devoted to God,’  he is not to ‘honor his father’ with it. Thus you nullify the word of God for the sake of your tradition. You hypocrites!” (v. 3-7)

I suppressed a giggle and the urge to high-five my Savior. Which is good, because in a minute I wasn’t going to be in the mood for a high-five.

He called the crowd to Him and began to teach them…

““Don’t you see that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and then out of the body? But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man ‘unclean.’  For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. These are what make a man ‘unclean’; but eating with unwashed hands does not make him ‘unclean.’”     (v. 17-20)

Suddenly I was alone with Him, encountering truth as He spoke to me…

“Karla, clean or unclean isn’t about your hands, it’s about your heart. Unclean comes from the inside, and eventually, it shows up on the outside. Because unclean doesn’t stay hidden safely away inside where others can’t see it. It comes out. People have different names for what makes them unclean. I give it one name.”

“I have a problem with my thought-life.”  “You have a heart problem.”

“I need anger-management.” “You have a heart problem”.

“I struggle with sexual issues.”  “You have a heart problem”.

“I need to learn to control my tongue.” “You have a heart problem.”

You can wash your hands all day everyday, but what you have is a heart problem.

But remember…

“I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.” Ezekiel 36:25-27

Stop staring at your hands. Bring Me your heart.”

i need to know

The news spread. People were bringing others with them, and soon there was quite a crowd. There were sick people everywhere…because they had heard. People in pain, some having seizures, some paralyzed. And, really? Yes, really. The demon possessed were there. Oh, it was all very messy. Very unsanitary. Strangely enough, He didn’t seem the least bit uncomfortable.

He healed them. All of them. Even the messy ones. And the crowd kept coming, growing, following Him. 

nail pierced hand of Jesus editedI’m trying to watch it all through the eyes of a disciple. Who is this man Jesus, this magnet for broken and messy people? This One with beautiful mercy for the pained, the shaking, the sick-to-the-bone and out-of-their-mind ones? They saw healing flow from beautiful hands that would soon be wrecked by the nails of their sin. But they didn’t know that yet. They only knew that He was willing to touch messy and broken. He became the destination for the desperate and the desperate left healed. And the eyes of a disciple grow wide.

Because I know. I know those hands with their scars and the nails that put them there. I know beautiful mercy. I know the willing touch of the Healer God who beckoned me to follow Him and now we’re standing in the midst of messy and I need to know what I know. Love heals broken. Mercy triumphs over judgement. Holy came to unholy to make it holy. Scarred hands are beautiful and blood washes clean and God came to messy people because messy people need God.

And if I’m going to follow Him, I need to know. 

“Jesus went throughout Galilee, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the good news of the kingdom, and healing every disease and sickness among the people.  News about Him spread all over Syria, and people brought to Him all who were ill with various diseases, those suffering severe pain, the demon-possessed, those having seizures, and the paralyzed, and He healed them.” Matthew 4:23-24

rememberings and flames and a sovereign God

“Word of God speak”. With that request and a cup of coffee nearby, I open my bible and it falls open to the worn, ink marked pages of Matthew. I flip to the Psalms. Then to Samuel. Quiet. Unlike my anxious thoughts and wonderings of late. Little fears murmuring away in my heart.

So I settle back into Matthew. Into familiar, beloved words, thinking surely I will not hear Him speak from here, the book I have studied more than any other. Oh the foolishness of me.

Mary is pregnant. God’s promised plan of redemption is full on in motion. But  Joseph is planning a divorce. So God sent a dream. To fulfill a prophecy.

“But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife…All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet:  “The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel”—which means, “God with us.” (Matthew 1:20-23)

Redemption is born and Magi want to worship. And a king wants to kill. So God sent a dream. To fulfill a prophecy.

“When they had gone, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream. ‘Get up,’ he said, ‘take the child and his mother and escape to Egypt’…And so was fulfilled what the Lord had said through the prophet: ‘Out of Egypt I called my son.’” (Matthew 2:13-15)

An evil king dies and the Redeemer returns to Israel. Because God sent a dream. To fulfill a prophecy.

“Having been warned in a dream, he withdrew to the district of Galilee, and he went and lived in a town called Nazareth. So was fulfilled what was said through the prophets” “He will be called a Nazarene.” (Matthew 2:22-23)

Redemption birthed. Prophecy fulfilled. And with my eyes, I hear God speak.

Sovereign.

“What I have said, that will I bring about; what I have planned, that will I do.”    (Isaiah 46:11)

And in my heart a flame flickers…

as I remember whispered words. Promises made by the Promise Keeper.  My fingers rush past Matthew and the flame glows and moves with the breath coming from the page.

“The LORD Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:8)

He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ.” 1Corinthians 1:8)

“…He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6)

“The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever…” (Psalm 138:8)

Sovereign. Still. Yet. Continually. Until finally.

“Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea.  I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”  He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” (Revelation 21:1-5)

The flame burns. Murmuring fears and nagging doubts cringe from the heat. As I remember.

The Word of God speaks, and God keeps that Word.

 And what of you? What has God spoken over your life? Does it seem long ago and far away? Have you forgotten? Remember! Hold fast to God! What He has spoken, He will surely bring about; what He has planned for you, He will surely do!

leave me broken

Once I was dead. But You found me and made me alive. I came up, like a miner from the underground, squinting at the suddenness of light. You washed me in blood, healed the sickness of shame, and convinced me of love. So much. You’ve done so much. I see it.  Mostly in glances stolen from my intent stare at me, and what still needs to be done.

Then today came and You did something new. You closed my eyes to the reflection of me in my various stages of disrepair, and opened them to a different reflection. I saw it there, behind the mirror.

Me. Desperately clinging to You. That’s my hand with a death grip on the hem of Your robe. Me. Hiding behind You from an enemy I couldn’t see, but knew was there, calling for my destruction.  Me. Trying to keep my feet in line with Yours. Touching Your scars in wonder. Not caring that I was still a mess. Just wanting, needing to stay close, to listen intently, to watch Your every movement. Me. Wanting You with everything in me.

I saw it and remembered. Desperation. Adoration. Unquenchable love.

I saw it and a prayer formed, rushing into me like brand new breath.

Oh God. Leave me broken.

Help me walk straight, but leave me with a limp. I need to need grace.

Strengthen my weak knees, but leave them bent. I need my face close to the ground at Your feet. Life is better there.

Train my hands for war. Make them strong enough to grip Your hand, but leave them too weak to hold my own life.

Help me walk with confidence and authority, but with enough insecurity to keep me hiding behind You.

Give my eyes vision, but keep it dim so that I don’t look past You.

Heal my heart, but leave it aching for those who still need to be convinced of love.

Once I was dead. But You found me and You made me alive…washed me in blood, healed the sickness of shame, and convinced me of love. 

Don’t stop. Refine me. Restore me. Baptize me with fire. Revive me. Make me whole.

Just leave me broken.