Genesis 43—Suspicious Grace

Now the men were frightened when they were taken to his house. They thought, “We were brought here because of the silver that was put back into our sacks the first time. He wants to attack us and overpower us and seize us as slaves and take our donkeys.” Genesis 43:18

Joseph had already been good to his brothers the first time they came to Egypt seeking relief from the famine. Of course, they didn’t know he was their brother just yet, but they did know that for some reason, they were receiving extraordinary treatment, and it made them uneasy.

Remember how the brothers responded to Joseph’s harsh words on their first trip to Egypt?

They said to one another, “Surely we are being punished because of our brother. We saw how distressed he was when he pleaded with us for his life, but we would not listen; that’s why this distress has come on us.” Genesis 42:21

Guilt can make us assume that anything negative we are going through is a punishment, and cause us to suspect anything good that comes to us. That’s how I lived for many years, even after I was saved — assuming God was mad at me for all of the bad things I had done. And when something good did happen, I nervously waited for some mysterious “other shoe” to drop. Today, I can’t say that I fully comprehend the forgiveness that God has given to me, but I have learned to trust it.

Joseph’s brothers were unaware of how his heart was moved by the sight of his youngest brother, Benjamin, his brother from the same mother (I couldn’t wait to use that line). They has no idea the longing in Joseph’s heart to have his family restored. And because they don’t know his heart, they made assumptions that stirred up their own fears and suspicions. But perhaps it wasn’t just Joseph’s heart they didn’t know…

He replied, “Peace to you, do not be afraid. Your God and the God of your father has put treasure in your sacks for you.” Genesis 43:23

The kindness that Joseph showed his brothers in returning their money to them, was actually attributed to God, yet they remained fearful that something bad was happening to them because of what they had done to Joseph.

Sometimes, I think we struggle to see past ourselves enough to really see God. And when we do catch a good look at His grace, we see it through the filter of us, so it looks distorted. Suspicious. Like something we know good and well we don’t deserve.

If we want to see grace as it really is, we have to stop making it about us. He is full of grace. He is generous and He is kind, and His heart longs for restoration, not punishment.

He didn’t become that way for us. It was His image long before He made us in it.

Declaration & Praise: Day 8

 Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” – Hebrews 4:16
“But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” – 2Corinthians 12:9

Today, there is access to the throne of God for His people.

I have access to grace.

I have access to mercy.

I have access to the Spirit of God who dwells in me.

Today, I will not believe that I have nowhere to turn. I will not choose to seek what I need from any other source, for I have been given access to the throne of God by the blood of His Son. I will not tiptoe in, wondering if He will grant me what I need. I will run there with confidence and receive what He offers. Grace. Mercy. Help.

I am not strong. Any inner fortitude, any stubborn refusal to quit within me is utter weakness. I have no boot straps to pull myself up with and I have no wits about me with which to make it through this life. I will boast of, not attempt to hide, these truths, for my weakness invites the power of God. My weakness shows off the sufficiency of His grace.

So today I will not pretend to be strong, but will live and move and have my being in the grace of God.

genesis 21: Cast It Out

From promise given to promise fulfilled: 25 years.

Had they stopped waiting? Were they satisfied with their version of the promise they named Ishmael?

Didn’t they know that a God-promise is not fueled by human power?

So the son of promise is here, being birthed in the place where the son of flesh (Ishmael) is already living. These two sons will be at odds until the end of time. For us, they represent Law and Grace. Freedom and slavery. Paul speaks to all of that in Galatians, chapter 4. 

But I am staring at what Sarah said to Abraham in vs. 10 of Genesis 21»»

And it sounds like this to my ears:

Cast our what was of the flesh, for nothing of the flesh will share in the inheritance of the promise.

Every ounce of what I’m doing in an attempt to be right with God on my own, everything I’m doing to try to bring about the promise or plans of God on my own. All of it. Cast. it. Out. 

The promise of God is that I am saved by grace, through faith. So grace and law are always fighting for dominance in my belief system. One makes me free, the other makes me a captive.

My flesh will always be at odds with grace. It will always try to bend toward the law and self. Grace will always bend toward God. Flesh puts my eyes on me and what I can do. Grace always pulls my gaze to God and what He can do. 

While I know these things, the challenge is always in the follow through. To choose to believe God more than I believe in my own ability to make something happen, and then to wait on God.

To cast out my Ishmael, because Isaac is here.

broken and whole

She showed me her little clay pot that was a lovely shade of blue. I was surprised at how beautiful it was. Beautiful and cracked. Broken and whole. Jagged lines ran up and down and sideways all over it. It wasn’t hard to figure out what had happened.

blue pot

Because when something has been broken and put back together…it shows. 

It was therapeutic for her. She took the pot and smashed it and it helped something inside of her. And then she found the pieces and glued them back together and that helped too. Sometimes, we need to see something broken and put back together to really believe there is hope, you know? Hope that we can be put back together. Hope that even though our brokenness shows, we are still beautiful.

I saw the clay pot with jagged lines and I thought of my own jagged lines and I know God’s voice and He spoke that day.

 ‘Light shines best through vessels that have been broken.’

Trying to live this life on our own terms doing it our own way living far from God breaks our lives and our hearts and our very souls. And the prayer is that the breaking will lead to broken.

                              Because repentance is brokenness and it turns us from what is breaking us.

Brokenness is clinging to Jesus because we’ve discovered our greatest need is Him. Brokenness praises Him through pain and things we don’t understand because we know that no matter what He is God and He is good. Brokenness raises hands in surrender not fists in defiance and finally drinks in the grace that puts us back together with jagged lines.

And broken vessels are always amazed by the grace that makes them whole.

broken pot

Life can break us hard but grace leaves us sweetly broken and grace makes us whole. I’ve had the breaking and I’ve been broken and I want to see beauty, not shame, in my jagged lines. I want light to dance from these places put back together by grace. Places where the light shines best.

bad tap dancer

“Will God be mad at me if I…”? She was being pressured to convert to another religion to please the man who says he loves her. As I waited for the oil change I had come there for, she sat on the floor, waiting for her own car to get whatever it came there to get. She listened to me and my friend talking to each other about Jesus and then timidly asked her question. I could feel my heart breaking.

Or maybe that’s what God’s heart feels like when it breaks.

So we moved from our chairs to sit down on the floor next to her. As the story came out of parents pushing her to find a husband online and a man she’s never met from another country who promises love and marriage, she assured us that Jesus is her Savior and that would never change, it would just be to appease the man’s family. But she kept coming back to her question. “Will God be mad at me?”.

I wish I could say that I told her all that her heart really wanted to know in those few moments, but I didn’t. Truth was spoken, we prayed for her and invited her to church and then the oil was changed and our car was waiting. Just a few minutes of time with a woman with a question. And I wondered if hearing that God loves her and has so much more for her than what she wants to settle for would be enough to change anything for her.

But I think that encounter on the floor wasn’t so that I could give a woman the answer that would change her life. It was so that I could recognize the question that has haunted my own heart and that led to God’s purpose for me this past year.

“Is God mad at me?” 

Beginning last August, this year brought a sifting, which brought that question to the surface, revealing what I believed about God after 25 years of walking with Him.

Because the lie that always answered my question was “Yes”.

And I feel like a newborn calf, trying to walk out of a lie and into truth. It’s awkward, and I fall down a lot but one baby step at a time my legs are getting stronger.

running-awaySoon I will run and not look back.

I will leave behind me the lie that I am the child of an angry God…

…a God who loves me if I act right but who will turn away from me if I sin.

Left in the dust of my feet will be the constant weight of feeling that I have disappointed God and must perform well to gain His approval again, only to lose it the next time I step out of line.

But I am not running yet. I’m still stumbling,trying to get my footing in this place of grace.

tap-dancing

Still tap dancing for God, trying to earn His favor and love by performing well.

And in the dancing and turning and circling and walking on wobbly legs, I am learning and God is teaching and fresh truth is filling my lungs and I am taking real breaths for the first time.

God’s love for me is wide and deep and it doesn’t move. His affections are for me, all the time, and He always wants to be with me. He knows me better than I know me and still loves me and wants me and calls me His own.

I am my Father’s child and my Father’s heart is good. His love and affections are mine forever and nothing will change that truth. He sent His Son to die in my place because He wanted me to be with Him. His desire is not that I tap dance for Him, but that I trust Him with my whole heart.

And I am breathing deep this revelation of love that silences questions and the sounds of tap shoes.

Trusting God is an endless journey through the heart, I am finding. I did trust Him. I do trust Him. In many ways, for many things. But with the sifting, has come new revelation. Revelation that everything is an issue of trust.

Because Adam and Eve did not trust God’s goodness and that has passed into the hearts of all of mankind.

The root of sin is a lack of trust in God. Unbelief. 

sifting

God allowed my heart to be sifted to separate out the unbelief that was keeping me from abundant life. To reveal that although I knew He loved me, I didn’t really trust His love to stay put even on my worst days, when I couldn’t tap dance to save my life.

And that is God’s point to this story. Tap dancing didn’t save my life in the first place. Love saved my life. Dying saved my life. His love, His dying.

He died because He loved me in the midst of my sin. He died because I couldn’t tap dance my way to Him and He wanted me then and He still wants me now and the desire of His heart is that I would trust that truth.

And to finally realize that I can’t dance anyway.

to the church I’m leaving

I had been saved for four years, but had not been in a church yet. My prodigal husband had just returned to God. The service had already started when we walked into a little church, and peered through the closed sanctuary doors. I was shocked by what I saw. People clapping, hands raised, and, *gasp*, two women dancing in the aisle. I had heard about these kind of people, but had never actually encountered them. Like a child at the circus, I was mesmerized. And then my husband very calmly said “This is it. This is the one.”, followed quickly by my own voice saying “Are you kidding me?”.

And so began my life at Christian Fellowship Church of Crystal Lake, Illinois. Now, 19 years later, I am saying goodbye to my spiritual childhood home in a giant leap of faith to Texas. I am smiling at the thought that I am now firmly, unequivocally one of “them”…a hand raising, dancing, clapping, barefoot-in-church follower of Christ. So I want to do my best to honor the community that God used to raise me.

I was enveloped by the women of Christian Fellowship almost immediately. I think they saw “help me” written all over me! I knew nothing of being a Christian, and my marriage (and overall life) was a mess. It wasn’t long before a woman approached me and asked if she could be my prayer partner. My mind said “what the heck is that??”, but my mouth said “Okay”. She taught me to pray. Today, she remains my closest friend, and my prayer partner. But back then, she was someone I didn’t know who took me in, and met with me every week to pray for me. And then one day, after she had prayed, she said to me “Your turn”. I almost threw up at the idea of praying out loud, but I was on her couch and I had just enough manners to know that would have been rude. Thus began my life of pure passion for prayer, because I was taught that if you’re scared, then “do it scared”, but do it. Cheryl, for that and so so much more, I honor you and thank you.

It was here, among these women, that I learned what friendship really looks like. It’s a relationship of grace, forgiveness and kindness. And saying the hard things that need to be said, because of love. It’s laughing so hard you can’t breathe and crying just because they’re crying. When I first walked through the doors of Christian Fellowship, I really didn’t have any girlfriends, nor was I looking for any. Growing up in the world taught me that girls can be mean and true friendship is rare. Growing up in this church has taught me that women are a huge blessing, and their friendship is invaluable. To “my girls”, each and every one of you, I love and honor you. You have loved this woman, and all women, well.

To the ones who remained in steadfast friendship with my family through some very dark years, you’ll never know how much your loyalty has meant. Thank you for your prayers, your encouragement, and your willingness to remain connected to people who were so incredibly broken. I honor your warrior hearts for staying in the battle with us all those years.

We had been attending for about a year when the worship leader approached me and asked me if I wanted to join the worship team. You could have knocked me over with a feather! I loved singing, but even I knew that I wasn’t “worship team” material, and the thought of singing in front of the whole church made me want to throw up. (yes, it is my most common response to terror) I think I whispered into the mic for at least 6 months. But I learned from this worship leader. I learned that worship is not the same as entertainment or performance. It’s more than music and singing. It’s a posture of the heart. Don & Henri Peters, and the rest of the worship team, I will be ever grateful to you for giving me the opportunity to learn about the heart of worship. I honor all of you that hold open the door to the throne room every Sunday.

Through the many changes that a church goes through in almost 20 years, I have learned the meaning of commitment, as I watched people remain in commitment through extremely difficult seasons. I have so much respect for a family who stayed, when leaving would have been so much easier. They stayed through a trial that shook them as well as the church. Your determination to remain in community inspired me to tears. You know who you are. I love you both dearly. I honor your steadfast obedience and commitment to do the hard thing. “I tell you what.”

I learned that I won’t always agree with the decisions of leadership, but that if the decisions are not prohibited by scripture, then I am called to submit. Submission is a hard lesson, but it is an act of obedience that invites the blessing of God. I also learned what it looks like to respond with grace when someone is voicing their opinion about your leadership decisions. I was the recipient of much of that grace. I honor the leadership of Christian Fellowship for their gentle call to submission, and the grace that poured out during my times of stubbornness and disagreement.

I learned that if you stay in one place long enough, allowing your life to become entwined with others, offense will come. It will come to you, and through you. The choices are to leave in search of a mythical “offense free” church, or to stay and allow God to use the offense to teach forgiveness and humility. Offense is difficult to work through, but I have seen the power of God restore love and unity to those willing to persevere. I honor both the offenders and the offended in this church, those who have chosen humility and those who have chosen to forgive. You have unknowingly taught me well what overcoming offense looks like. Thank you.

Through the years of growing in Christ in this church, I was given a place for the gifts of the Spirit to grow and flourish, along with so much encouragement and opportunity to use those gifts. I learned how to do that for others, and how to give grace and room for imperfection. I honor this community for always seeking to notice and encourage the Holy Spirit in one another, and for their willingness to allow people to make mistakes as they learn and grow.

Over the last few months my life has been busy with packing and planning. I have been so excited that sadness had no place to sit down. But now it has pushed its way in and demanded my attention. I am experiencing the pain of leaving all that is familiar, all of the people who have made my life so full all these years. Leaving this state, my house, the evil winters…none of that matters. What has made my heart heavy is leaving the people who have been my family for 19 years. I am trying to allow my heart to feel what it feels, because it’s all part of the journey.  And the pain is teaching me perhaps the biggest lesson of all.

I was made for community. I know that I will never be able to follow Jesus well unless I am doing it in community with other believers. Christian Fellowship Church, I honor you for all of the love, grace, and friendship that have so blessed my life. I honor your commitment to Jesus and to His Church. I want you to know that I value the life I’ve lived with all of you, and the gift you have been to me.

Your sister in Christ,

Karla

come to rest

“Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

An invitation.  To the Jews it was an invitation to come out from under the weight of the law, and the rules imposed by the religious leaders.  An invitation to come to grace.  As I read this scripture today, even as a follower of Christ, I still hear an invitation.

To the one frantically trying to make life work…Come to Me.

To the one trying so hard to be good enough…Come to Me.

To the one who feels the weight of failed expectations…Come to Me.

To the one tired of hoping…Come to Me.

To the weary, the scared, the disappointed, the hurting…Come to Me.

Come, join Me. Discover that I am not harsh, that I carry no whip. Discover that my only motivation is love.  My intentions are not to work you harder, but to give you rest. 

Rest, because as I live life in you, life works.  Rest, because I have already made you good enough. Rest. Let Me be the expectation of your life. I will not fail.

Come to Me, and cease your frantic striving.  Throw off the yoke of performance and join the One who loves who you are, not what you do. You think you are managing your fear. You aren’t. Your fear is managing you.  “There is no fear in love”. Come to Me.  Let Me love you. Fear will leave.

Here, with Me, you will have a different view. You will see your life, even the disappointing parts, in the light of your Father’s perfect plan.  Your hope has had many homes, and the disappointment has been heavy. So much disappointment has left your heart wounded. Make your home here, next to Me. Let Me be your hope. You will not be disappointed.  Your heart will heal.

The invitation is still there. Every day. For me. Come to Me. Come back to grace. Rest.