Category Archives: Blog

dear friend

Dear Friend,

I prayed for you last night and before I could really say much at all He showed me a picture and gave me words.

horse

“That horse was made to run, but he fights the narrow place that is the starting gate, because he can’t see beyond it.

He fights the narrow place because he can’t see that it is the gateway to what he was created to do. 

He fights because he’s afraid of the narrow place.”

I thought about this picture and these narrow places that some horses and some people fight. What I think, my friend, is that it’s mostly about trust.

So I have to ask…do you trust God? Do you trust that in the narrow place what hinders you will be stripped from you because He’s preparing you to run? Because narrow means nar.row. Pride and fear and the need to control just don’t fit in this place.

Do you trust that even though it feels like the sides of this place are pressing you hard and there’s no room to move here, God is in this narrow space with you and He brought you here for a good purpose?

Do you trust that the gate will open? Because it will. And you will run, because you were made for it my friend.

You were made to be more than afraid.

And friend, there is someone else who is afraid of your narrow place. Someone who will do anything to keep you out of it.

Someone who watched as Jesus went into a narrow place called Gethsemane, and watched as He came out of that narrow place headed for the cross and nothing was going to stop Him and just look at what happened.

So you aren’t the only one fighting that narrow place. But you are the only one who will come out of the fight victorious.

Because you have God on your side. He is for you, not against you. His plans for you are good and His plans will prevail and you will live your destiny.  He is before you and behind you and on every side. You will be victorious because the liar and his lies will bow to the Truth that lives in you and in the narrow place a stronghold will crumble.

You will go into that narrow place and there God will prepare you for what is on the other side of that gate and you will come out running.

Because you were made for this.

So anyway, just wanted to let you know I prayed for you last night. God showed up. It was good.

Love,

Your friend

broken and whole

She showed me her little clay pot that was a lovely shade of blue. I was surprised at how beautiful it was. Beautiful and cracked. Broken and whole. Jagged lines ran up and down and sideways all over it. It wasn’t hard to figure out what had happened.

blue pot

Because when something has been broken and put back together…it shows. 

It was therapeutic for her. She took the pot and smashed it and it helped something inside of her. And then she found the pieces and glued them back together and that helped too. Sometimes, we need to see something broken and put back together to really believe there is hope, you know? Hope that we can be put back together. Hope that even though our brokenness shows, we are still beautiful.

I saw the clay pot with jagged lines and I thought of my own jagged lines and I know God’s voice and He spoke that day.

 ‘Light shines best through vessels that have been broken.’

Trying to live this life on our own terms doing it our own way living far from God breaks our lives and our hearts and our very souls. And the prayer is that the breaking will lead to broken.

                              Because repentance is brokenness and it turns us from what is breaking us.

Brokenness is clinging to Jesus because we’ve discovered our greatest need is Him. Brokenness praises Him through pain and things we don’t understand because we know that no matter what He is God and He is good. Brokenness raises hands in surrender not fists in defiance and finally drinks in the grace that puts us back together with jagged lines.

And broken vessels are always amazed by the grace that makes them whole.

broken pot

Life can break us hard but grace leaves us sweetly broken and grace makes us whole. I’ve had the breaking and I’ve been broken and I want to see beauty, not shame, in my jagged lines. I want light to dance from these places put back together by grace. Places where the light shines best.

I am not enough

disciples

Reading the words of John and I knew I was missing a point somewhere. So I did what I do when I’m stuck in this age. I went there to that age, to that mountainside. I put myself among the ragamuffins and I looked at what they saw and I listened to what they heard. And the point I was missing found me.

 

Then Jesus went up on a mountainside and sat down with His disciples. The Jewish Passover Festival was near.

When Jesus looked up and saw a great crowd coming toward Him, He said to Philip,“Where shall we buy bread for these people to eat?”  He asked this only to test him, for He already had in mind what He was going to do.

Philip answered Him, “It would take more than half a year’s wages to buy enough bread for each one to have a bite!”

Oh Philip. Come stand by me because we both see the same thing here.

You and I see impossible. There’s just too much here to fix. Too many, too much and not enough. Pockets and heart are both kinda empty so how on earth can these ‘too many’ hungry ones be fed? How can so many be helped when there’s not enough to give?

When our eyes are on the great crowd of need and not on the Bread of Life, impossible is all we see.

 

Poor people in Ethiopia keeping their hands up.And sometimes we don’t realize that the testing of our faith is a test of Who we see in the midst of seeing impossible.  And I have been overwhelmed of late. My eyes have been fixed on the crowd with their heads down and their hands out and my not enough keeps getting bigger.

And Jesus took a little boy’s not enough and made it more than enough but I’ve stopped offering up my not enough. Because just like ragamuffin Philip all I see is the hunger while I am right there in the presence of the Bread.

I see broken and hungry and lost and hurting but I don’t see an answer and Jesus is wondering if I see Him.

Because every need I see is a need for Him, not me.

 

two-fish-300x200

I am not enough for the sea of needs around me. I am not enough for the outstretched hands and hearts that clamor for filling. I am not enough to fix what is broken or heal what is hurting.

But every need I see is a need for Him, not me. That’s the point that found me on that mountainside as I looked at the impossible with Philip.

Five loaves and two fish was not enough. It will never be enough. But placed into the hands of Jesus it will be more than enough.

 

John 6:5-7

the way love moves

Southern Ocean

Love is an ocean of a word. Big and wide and deep and too much to look at all at once and you can’t see its’ boundaries from standing in one place. Oceans and love are both hard to describe from the shoreline.

I will not plummet its’ depths in one lifetime, but I can stand in the waves and watch the way it moved on the earth that time when Love came down.

 

He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?”
Then He got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. “ (Matthew 8:24-26)

 It was a furious storm, but even though fear was great and faith was small, the storm was calmed.  Love does not demand more faith than fear before He steps into my storm. I like that Love moves that way. I need Him to move like that for me because fear and faith take turns being king of the hill in my heart.

{I need to know that Love is more furious than the storm}

“While Jesus was having dinner at Levi’s house, many tax collectors and sinners were eating with Him and His disciples, for there were many who followed Him.” (Mark 2:15)

 Love didn’t tiptoe through dark places. He didn’t go out of His way to go around the worst part of town. Jesus ate dinner on the other side of the tracks. He walked through every place like He had the authority to be there because He did. He went across the lake to confront a legion of demons and had dinner with the sinner people the same way He went to the synagogue to preach. In Church or out, Love moved the same way and refused to avoid the worst of us.

sinners gathered

{When the sinners and the outcasts are gathered, there’s a good chance Love is their dinner guest. Try not to be offended. That’s just the way Love moves.}

 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one.  Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” (Luke 10:41-42)
 

To her credit, she wanted to serve Jesus and maybe she wanted everything to be “just so”. He had come and there were preparations to be made and work to be done. No time for listening. Martha’s home had become her stage and she was distracted by her need to perform well.

Mary chose and no matter how much the performer complained, what Mary had chosen would not be taken from her. The place at His feet was hers because she chose the sound of His voice over her own performance.

{When Love walks in the room, there is a place at His feet that is so much better than the stage of our performance.}

 

crucified hand

“Carrying His own cross, He went out to the place of the Skull (…Golgotha). There they crucified Him…” (John 19:17-18)

 This is how love moved.

 {Love is an ocean big and wide and deep and too much to look at all at once. But I am moved by the waves.}

what do you do when the road bends?

Life is sweet on the straight road, even if the road is narrow. Yes, the straight and narrow is easy travelling. Pick up and put down those feet because I see where I’m going and the view is wide on this narrow road. The plan filled with all my “someday” things is in hand and I’m believing the Planner and all is well.

bend-in-roadAnd then the road bends. What do you do with a bend in the road? When God throws in a corner that you can’t see around? What do you do when your question of “what next?” falls at your feet all alone and no answer falls with it?

This is when anxiety knocks at your heart. It wants in and you want to open the door because frankly, you’d like the company. Road bends are lonely, quiet  places and sometimes even the voice of fear is a welcome sound.

(Did I say you? Sorry. I meant me. Or I. Definitely not you. Just me and I. But it feels better to say you so I’ll just keep doing that, k?)

And you know because you’ve heard that knock before so you just know better than to open that darn door. Because anxiety never comes to visit alone. It brings friends and they come for a party in your soul. Fear, stress, worry, depression all come in wearing party hats and carrying no chocolate.

So you ignore the knocking or maybe you don’t and before you know it there’s a monster bash going on inside of you.

Because road bends are hard. They are lonely and they are quiet places that feel like God is fasting from talking to you.

When the road bends the plan falls and flutters away and what do you do when the road bends before you arrive at your “someday”?  When you are too young for that ‘I’ve lived a good life’ thing and too old to believe the world is still yours to conquer. When you’ve held on to ‘someday’ so long you’ve got a hand cramp.

Well, I’ll tell you what you do. You listen to this song and you put that thing on repeat until you hear the words in your sleep. You listen to every word until the sound of anxiety knocking fades to silent.

Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

What’s waiting around the bend may be ground shaking and stormy…not your ‘someday’ thing you’ve waited to come. And what we can’t see beckons fear to come to the door of our heart and shout ‘what if?’. True, no?

What do you do with the fear that comes with a bend in the road?

Let Truth answer the shouting of fear. God is on this side of the bend.  Everything else may be hidden but God does not hide from us. He may be quiet, but He is there. With you. Always. And whatever shaking, stormy thing that may or may not be around the corner must still bow to Him, will still be controlled by the loving hand that holds your life.

Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can’t see
And this mountain that’s in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Right here where the road bends is where we find our heart’s true bent. We will either answer the sound of anxiety and fear pounding at the door, or we will turn the music up and trust God. Pull out our mustard seed and move the ‘what if‘ mountain.

What do you do when you can’t see around the bend?

Let the bend in the road bend your heart to believe God is good no matter what and He is for you not against you and whatever comes, or doesn’t come, He is with you.

Through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name

It is well with my soul

There is a bend in my road and God is not fasting He is speaking through a song. And it is finally well with my soul.

bringing down an idol

It came unexpectedly, as it often does. She was praying a prayer of repentance for her idolatry. I was agreeing with her turning away when suddenly her voice faded and I was hearing God. And now, days later, I am still hearing Him and He is not speaking of her and her idolatry but of me and mine.

nebuchadnessarIt began with a picture and the story of a king who demanded a bow. (Daniel, chapter 3)

“Whoever does not fall down and worship will immediately be thrown into a blazing furnace.”

” Therefore, as soon as they heard the sound of the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp and all kinds of music, all the nations and peoples of every language fell down and worshiped the image of gold that King Nebuchadnezzar had set up.”

And in the midst of someone else’s prayer, God spoke to me. “They did not bow because of what they could gain, they bowed to avoid the consequences of not bowing. Fear, not the statue, was their idol.”

And the story was but a shadow of things to come. A shadow of the things God’s people would find themselves facing, and the fear that would compel them to bow. A shadow of the enemy that would speak to our deepest fears with the lie that bowing would keep us safe from those fears.

And they are everywhere, these fears. I see them in me and I see them in you.

Being alone     Poverty     Rejection     Death     Pain     Going without     A lack of comfort

Being known and not being known   Loss of control     Being controlled     Disappointment

These are the fiery furnace that threatens us.

And so we bow.

And we call our idols by the names that are most familiar. Substances, marriage, people, money, plans, fame, isolation. We name them and determine to bring them down, to render them powerless in our lives.

And still, we bow. And the guilt and shame just about does us in.

But I have heard the voice of God, and my heart has been bruised by Truth.

“Beloved, it is easy enough for my people to shout about how I am their deliverer. The words ‘God will’ come forth quickly, almost mechanically, and with much bravado. And yet, my people still bow.”

“If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and He will deliver us from your majesty’s hand.”

 “My child, stop shouting at your idol about how your God will deliver you. The idol of fear does not fall with those words. It will fall with these:”

“But even if He does not, we want you to know, your majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

Those words. Those are the ones that stick in the throat and reveal the truth of our devotion. And in this revelation, I am connecting the God dots, following the trail He has been leaving for me. Tracing bread crumbs back through everything I’ve written and finding the treasure of His love for me. And now here I am and His words are painfully sweet and crushingly beautiful, once again.

“I did not hang on a cross so that I could get something from you, but so that I could be with you. My devotion to you has never been about your performance, but about who you are.”

And I know what He is asking me with these words.

Are you devoted to Me because you believe I will perform for you, or because of who I am?

He has pursued me over and over again, into this place of surrender. He has loved me beyond reason. And bread crumb by bread crumb He has led me to the knowledge that He will love me and pursue me and act in absolute devotion to me…even if. Even if I bow to fear and run away, He will pray that my faith will not fail. Even if I head off to wallow in the pigpen until I want to come home, He will wait and watch and run to me. His kindness toward me has left me shaken so many times. I have given Him every reason to turn away, to wash His hands of me, but He has remained. And I weep with the knowledge that it was not Him performing for me, but Him being who He is. I weep because I just don’t get it and I don’t think I ever will. I weep because His devotion to me is unmerited and I can’t get away from that truth. I weep because I have spoken words of faith and then bowed to the idol of fear too many times to count.

I weep because I’m tired of bowing.

I’ve read the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego many times, and every time was struck by the fact that Jesus was in the fire with them. I loved how they came out of the furnace without even the smell of smoke on them. I cheered at their deliverance. But the trail God has left for me leads me not to their deliverance, but to their devotion. In His love, He has led me to what brings down an idol.

Even if.

It is not a white-knuckled performance. It is facing the consequence of not bowing, feeling the heat of the fire, and being devoted enough to God to say “even if I have to go through that fire, I will not bow”. That will bring down our idol. That’s when we will know that we have put nothing above God.

Father, I pray for deeper devotion. Take hold of my heart and sift it again and again until all that remains is wholly devoted to You. Strengthen me with a devotion that will refuse to bow, no matter what fire threatens me. Lead me always to the cross and may there, and only there, be the place that I bow my life until I am bowing before Your throne. 

at the cross

Oh, but deeper in me is something else, almost a shadow it’s so vague. But it’s there and I am compelled to give it my voice.

Beloved, there are days of another Nebuchadnezzar swiftly coming to us. In those days, it will not be her determination to perform, but her pure devotion, that will keep His Bride from bowing. When Jesus told Peter he (and the others) would be sifted (Luke 22), Peter spoke these words – words that sound like devotion:

“Lord, I am ready to go with you to prison and to death.”  

But he bowed to the idol of fear, and he suffered the grief and sorrow of that bowing. The sifting revealed the limits of Peter’s devotion, and when he turned back, he turned with a devotion that strengthens us today.

And so I speak to all of us, to His Church, may we not simply utter words that sound like devotion, as we continue to bow to the idol of fear. May we allow a sifting to reveal the limits of our devotion so that we can know the sorrow of our bowing, repent, receive His forgiveness, and go into the days ahead refusing to bow to any but God.

 

bad tap dancer

“Will God be mad at me if I…”? She was being pressured to convert to another religion to please the man who says he loves her. As I waited for the oil change I had come there for, she sat on the floor, waiting for her own car to get whatever it came there to get. She listened to me and my friend talking to each other about Jesus and then timidly asked her question. I could feel my heart breaking.

Or maybe that’s what God’s heart feels like when it breaks.

So we moved from our chairs to sit down on the floor next to her. As the story came out of parents pushing her to find a husband online and a man she’s never met from another country who promises love and marriage, she assured us that Jesus is her Savior and that would never change, it would just be to appease the man’s family. But she kept coming back to her question. “Will God be mad at me?”.

I wish I could say that I told her all that her heart really wanted to know in those few moments, but I didn’t. Truth was spoken, we prayed for her and invited her to church and then the oil was changed and our car was waiting. Just a few minutes of time with a woman with a question. And I wondered if hearing that God loves her and has so much more for her than what she wants to settle for would be enough to change anything for her.

But I think that encounter on the floor wasn’t so that I could give a woman the answer that would change her life. It was so that I could recognize the question that has haunted my own heart and that led to God’s purpose for me this past year.

“Is God mad at me?” 

Beginning last August, this year brought a sifting, which brought that question to the surface, revealing what I believed about God after 25 years of walking with Him.

Because the lie that always answered my question was “Yes”.

And I feel like a newborn calf, trying to walk out of a lie and into truth. It’s awkward, and I fall down a lot but one baby step at a time my legs are getting stronger.

running-awaySoon I will run and not look back.

I will leave behind me the lie that I am the child of an angry God…

…a God who loves me if I act right but who will turn away from me if I sin.

Left in the dust of my feet will be the constant weight of feeling that I have disappointed God and must perform well to gain His approval again, only to lose it the next time I step out of line.

But I am not running yet. I’m still stumbling,trying to get my footing in this place of grace.

tap-dancing

Still tap dancing for God, trying to earn His favor and love by performing well.

And in the dancing and turning and circling and walking on wobbly legs, I am learning and God is teaching and fresh truth is filling my lungs and I am taking real breaths for the first time.

God’s love for me is wide and deep and it doesn’t move. His affections are for me, all the time, and He always wants to be with me. He knows me better than I know me and still loves me and wants me and calls me His own.

I am my Father’s child and my Father’s heart is good. His love and affections are mine forever and nothing will change that truth. He sent His Son to die in my place because He wanted me to be with Him. His desire is not that I tap dance for Him, but that I trust Him with my whole heart.

And I am breathing deep this revelation of love that silences questions and the sounds of tap shoes.

Trusting God is an endless journey through the heart, I am finding. I did trust Him. I do trust Him. In many ways, for many things. But with the sifting, has come new revelation. Revelation that everything is an issue of trust.

Because Adam and Eve did not trust God’s goodness and that has passed into the hearts of all of mankind.

The root of sin is a lack of trust in God. Unbelief. 

sifting

God allowed my heart to be sifted to separate out the unbelief that was keeping me from abundant life. To reveal that although I knew He loved me, I didn’t really trust His love to stay put even on my worst days, when I couldn’t tap dance to save my life.

And that is God’s point to this story. Tap dancing didn’t save my life in the first place. Love saved my life. Dying saved my life. His love, His dying.

He died because He loved me in the midst of my sin. He died because I couldn’t tap dance my way to Him and He wanted me then and He still wants me now and the desire of His heart is that I would trust that truth.

And to finally realize that I can’t dance anyway.