Blog – Page 27 – Karla Jo Wasion

on my way to unearthly things

“As Jesus was on His way, the crowds almost crushed Him. And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years, but no one could heal her.” Luke 8:42-43

He was on His way and I think of how often I am on my way. He stopped and I think of the times I haven’t. And then I’m not reading anymore, I’m thinking and then I’m pacing because I don’t like these thoughts but He is the one bringing them up and you can’t stop Him. You just can’t. Like a dog on a bone, He is relentless.

It’s a small house and I quickly run out of rooms to go in and back out again. When there is no way out from under His gaze the pacing stops and I let Him teach my heart what it needs to learn. Because as much as I want to run (pace) away from seeing what is about to be exposed, I want to be like Him.

Life as a Jesus follower can’t be lived on my way to something else.

He was on His way but He stopped for that one. That needy one who was looking to get something from Him. The beggar with her hand out to grab onto hope. Living like Him means stopping like Him. Stopping for the one in front of me. The one desperate for something I have.

But I’m always on my way. Work, class, errands and a life that can’t wait. Sometimes I’m just on my way to the couch because I’m tired from being on my way all day. And true to form I try to argue my point with God. Life is busy and my plate is so full and there are just some things, things that aren’t a couch, that can’t wait while I stop. Important things.

Lesson: Don’t sit down at the table with God no matter how good you can shuffle. He will always have the trump card.

“I was on My way to raise the dead.”

I want to be like Him. I want to follow Him where ever He goes, because I just can’t live without Him. I want to run my race slow enough to stop when He stops for the one in front of me. I want to see the needy, the hungry, the desperate ones that are on my way to somewhere else.

I sat down to spend time in His Word and I ended up with the thoughts on this page. Thoughts that I need to slow down, take notice. And then I laugh right here and now as I realize what God was really after. This one final thought that sinks in past my mind and into my heart.

I want to be on my way to raise the dead.

I don’t want to be on my way to work anymore. I want to be on my way to speak life to someone at my workplace. I don’t want to be rushing to get to class, I want to be on my way to speak encouraging words to someone in that class who needs to hear them.

I can stop going to the grocery store to buy groceries and be on my way there to tell the weary woman in the check-out line that Jesus loves her and has strength for her.

And now I find myself not pacing but clinging once again to His feet making a mess with my tears. He always goes so deep when He encounters us, you know? He didn’t show up in my bible reading moments just to tell me to slow down and pay attention.

He showed up to teach me that while He was on this earth, He was always on His way to something unearthly. And to invite me to follow Him while I’m on my way.

i have to stop drinking

It was an off-handed comment, really. She and I were discussing God things, and “love your neighbor” came up. Without thinking I added “as yourself” and I saw a look pass across her face and I knew, so I said it. Looking into her eyes, I said: “you haven’t loved yourself, have you?”. And we both began to cry. Since then I can’t stop thinking about it, those words Jesus said… “love your neighbor as yourself“.

agapaō

“to welcome, to entertain, to be fond of, to love dearly”

Because what was true for the woman across from me, is true of me. Neither of us has loved ourselves well…I was just better at hiding it.

But we both live in a world that drinks down self-loathing that goes deep into hidden places.

So she and I are not alone but it is my story here on this page and I tell it in the hopes that we can all stop drinking what is killing us. Because God doesn’t let things hide forever, you know. He is light and those hidden things can run but, well, you know the rest. And when what is hidden is hit by light it can take our breath away with this realization…

If I loved my neighbor as I love myself, I would find their every flaw and never let them forget them. I would remind them of them every. single. day.

I would not be kind… to their bodies or their emotions. I would call them names. Not truth names, but lie names. Instead of “beloved, chosen and forgiven”, I would call them “unworthy, messed up, and incapable of going one stinking day without stepping in sin.”

I would make them work harder and harder to try to get it right, and every day I would judge them for getting it wrong.

I would berate them for not being better. I would compare them to others, and they would always come up short. And sometimes I would wish they were someone else.

But now that light has shot into deep places, what was hidden in the dark squirms in discomfort. I can no longer be comfortable telling someone else they are worth loving if I cannot say it to me.

And right there God draws His bottom line in my sand of self-hatred and unworthy thinking. And if I am to step across the line, I must be willing to speak truth to me before I can speak it to you.

I am worth loving because God loves me and He does no unworthy thing.

He is good to me. He is kind to me. He is oh so merciful to me, and gives grace in abundance. He does not finger point but lovingly corrects me. He delights in me, sings over me and surrounds me with Himself. I was forgiven, I am forgiven, I will be forgiven because the blood of Christ leaves a stain sin cannot wipe away. I am called to imitate my gloriously good Father, and live a life of love and that means loving and not hating me. It means calling myself names that are true and not lies, treating me kindly both body and soul, giving me grace when I fail, taking His correction and refusing my condemnation. It means looking past all that I am not and seeing ahead to all that He has destined me to be.

It means I have to stop drinking what is killing me.

i have to leave

“Come, follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men.”

That line makes it sound so easy, like all they left was nets. But I know better. We who have done some leaving to follow Jesus, we know.

I know they didn’t just leave behind their fishing gear, but their way of life. I know, because the call from Jesus for me to follow Him wasn’t just to leave drugs, but to leave a life of drugs. And then it went deeper still. Following Him meant leaving a life of numbing my pain. A life of seeking my own comfort. None of that leaving was easy, but all of that leaving was worth it.

But there are some nets that are harder to leave than others and I find myself wishing and waiting for Him to just take the stupid nets because then I could leave. Then I could follow.

As much as I want Him to just take this pride away from me, to relieve me of the burden of carrying around my selfishness and desire to have things my own way…I am going to have to face the truth.

Jesus didn’t take their nets and He won’t take mine.

And I remember the last time I had this conversation with Him. Feeling like I just couldn’t keep going and wondering why following Him was so backbreaking hard. Finally getting brave enough to tell Him that it was just too hard. I didn’t get shamed by Him. He didn’t turn away from me. He just spoke hard truth.

“It’s hard because you’ve tried to follow without leaving.”

Following Jesus means we have to leave something. Every. Time.

Two years ago I, along with my husband, left our home, our church and our friends to follow Jesus to someplace we’d never been. I left the comfort and security of earning a living doing what I know, to go into full-time ministry doing what I’d never done. Leaving those nets was scary hard but I’ve never regretted leaving them.

Another year is coming to a close and I’m looking forward to what is coming, but I am also looking at what needs to be left behind so that I can follow Him into a new year. What are the nets I’ve held onto, continuing to cast them out to try to meet my own needs? What self-comforting, self-centered, self-sustaining ways do I need to walk away from so that I can walk in His ways?

I want to leave these insecurities that keep me from following with my head up and not down.

This comfort zone living keeps me from new places of trust.

Old ways and habits that smell like death keep me from following Him into the fullness of life.

If I can’t leave my fear then I will not follow Him in peace.

“Come, follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men.“

His promise is to make me a person who lives for a purpose beyond myself.

It won’t happen if I won’t leave.

Matthew 4:19-20

what i’m learning at the fire hydrant

I had no idea what it would really be like, this year devoted to going deeper with God. They tried to warn me. They told me the discipleship training school would be like trying to drink from a gushing fire hydrant. But, I’ve never tried to take a drink like that, so it was like trying to explain childbirth to a woman pregnant with her first child. All it really ends up doing is scaring the stuffing out of her, because childbirth has to be experienced, not explained. This can also be applied to drinking from a fire hydrant.

But now I know. The gushing water is overwhelming, and you miss a lot of what is pouring out. But what you are able to drink in is glorious. What you drink in brings the revelation that you were dying of thirst. What you drink in makes you abandon trying to catch water in your hands and compels you to go in face first. Yeah…it’s that good.

I love words, but even I don’t have enough of them to try to explain all that God has been teaching me and doing in me. On top of the training school, I just spent a week receiving training in the core values of my church; teachings I would have paid money to receive at a conference. Yeah…they were that good.

So, I will try to pour out drops of what is being poured into me. Drops, in the form of direct quotes from some of the teachings, along with my own quotes, written in flurries into my journal during the sessions.

“If we lower the bar so that we can live up to it, we miss the whole point, which is total dependence on God. God never lowers the bar.”

Instead of “what do I do?”…it needs to be “what do I believe?”. We behave what we believe.

“The capacity to perform the things of the Kingdom is directly tied to the depth of our intimacy with Jesus, not with the breadth of our knowledge.”

“We will never get to the end of ‘in Christ’.”

“Insecurity produces dominance.”

“We can preserve our physical virginity, but prostitute our hearts.”

“The ulterior motive of God is to bless you, not to use you.”

I didn’t ‘find‘ Jesus. I ran from Him and He pursued me and caught me.

“I refuse to allow the praises of men or the revilings of men to deter me from the will of God.”

“Are you deaf enough to the opinions of man, to fulfill the call of God on your life?”

“The most deceptive people in the world are deceived people who think they are speaking truth.”

I was made a sinner without sinning, and I was made righteous without being right.

“Judgement came after only one sin. Grace came after many sins. Which is stronger?”

“Do not make assumptions. They make bad theology.”

Brokenness…a condition of the heart that is becoming aware of its utter and complete need for God alone.

“When you [walk in] sin, something dies, and you don’t get to choose what dies.”

Brokenness is a lifestyle, not an event.

Will I fall on the Rock, or let the Rock fall on me?

I don’t want to miss the point of a position of authority. It is not about me, it is about raising others up.

Underleaders: Are passive. Only do what is asked of them. Overleaders: Aggressive. Do too much. Usually start out prideful. Both are marked by insecurity. Collaborative leaders: Humility dominates. They come with a vision. They ask “what do you think?”.

Pride will cause me to fight for my gifting.

I am an ambassador. I represent God everywhere I go.

The Kingdom cannot come without the Gospel.

The Kingdom coming means hearts are transformed. A Kingdom means there is a King.

“There are greater places in God than we have ever been.”

Fire will come upon my works. Only those done for Jesus will survive. Am I doing things to feel better about me? To gain a position? To promote me or my gifting? Motive matters!

“We will not be fascinated with the gifts, but fascinated with Jesus.”

“It is more about reliance on Him than development in me.”

For every “yes” you give to God, you give 1,000 “no’s” to the world.

“Life is at work in places because death is at work somewhere [in us].”

“None of us has the capacity to be the full revelation of God.”

“Living in bondage will cause us to forget our identity, and God’s identity.”

We cannot filter our beliefs through experience.

We cannot separate the voice of God from the Word of God. The more we are grounded in His Word, the more we will hear His voice.

If what drives us is the need to be somebody, we will not complete the call of God. It can’t be about us having a cause or a mission…it must be about God getting glory and people getting His salvation. It has to be about Him and Them.

I cannot confuse identity and mission. If I do, then when I fail (and I will), it will shake me. I will determine that my ministry success is my worth. And, I will reject what God speaks if it does not line up with what I believe to be my calling, ministry, gifting, etc.

“God, what is the next step of obedience for me?”

Fulfilling the great commission means putting a burden for others above my need for identity.

I can’t look at God’s mission through the very narrow lens of my part in it. I have to look at the whole mission, and then ask for my part.

I don’t need to hear, “well done, good and powerful servant”, or “well done, good and perfect servant”. Just let me be found faithful!

“What is God’s will for my life?” needs to be “what is God’s will?”.

Do I see what I have as mine, or as God’s?

“Any dingbat can be a problem finder. Leaders find solutions.”

Indicators of where my treasure is: what I spend my time on; what I talk about; what I am unwilling to give up; how I live my life.

Do not despise even the smallest provision.

I need to grow deep enough in God to handle not getting what I want when I want it.

They’re just drops of water. Scribbles from the journal of a thirsty woman who has found herself, by the grace and goodness of God, positioned in front of a fire hydrant. There is more, so much more, that I haven’t dripped out here.

Next weekend, we will go on our Fall Outreach, where we will share the gospel in Norman, Oklahoma, with our church plant there. In the spring, we will go on an international outreach to a location still unknown.

In between those two events, I will be found face first at the fire hydrant.

beautiful encounter

“Will you give me a drink?”

A tired, thirsty Savior came to a well to encounter a tired, thirsty outcast of a woman.

I find it to be beautiful.

My eyes take in the beauty of Jesus breaking through the barriers to come for her, and my heart is overwhelmed by the sacred conversation between a woman and God.

I am captivated by His words that reveal what He is most after here at the well.

“If you knew the generosity of God and who I am, you would be asking me for a drink, and I would give you fresh, living water.”

If you knew who I am.

This is what He’s after. This was no chance meeting on a hot day. This was Jesus, coming to a thirsty woman to offer her the only thing that would quench her thirst. Himself. Not just a sip. Not just a drink of Him on a hard day. His offer is a never-ending drink of God. A drink that would get into her so abundantly it would flow out of her.

Then He revealed what He knew of her. And it is right here that I find a deep beauty in this encounter. He wasn’t just uncovering her sin.

He knew her.

“Back in the village she told the people, “Come see a man who knew all about the things I did, who knows me inside and out.”

Then I hear what His disciples dared not speak out loud.

“Just then His disciples came back. They were shocked. They couldn’t believe He was talking with that kind of a woman. No one said what they were all thinking, but their faces showed it.”

So like us. Thinking His love should not cross our boundary lines drawn by hatred and religious bigotry.

They had their reasons for thinking that surely His love would not extend to someone they despised.

And we have ours.

I am struck by the beauty of a love that disregards the opinions of men.

A love that refuses to obey our rules.

The woman leaves and this beautiful story comes to a close. Almost.

“I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest.”

They saw a Samaritan woman, and would not have looked her way, let alone spoken with her.

He saw a woman who was thirsty. He saw a harvest.

John 4:1-38 – from The Message

coming up from rock bottom

We sat across from each other on the back porch, our bibles and papers fluttering in the afternoon breeze. We didn’t mind the occasional paper chase, since the breeze made the humidity bearable.

She is full of questions, this one, and I note the hint of suspicion in those questions. I am surprised that it stirred in me such a need to defend God. We hit the parables and her need to know why Jesus spoke in ways that everyday people couldn’t understand and I found myself struggling. And then like rapid fire we landed in the quagmire of the gift of tongues and why do we constantly praise Him when we pray before we ever get to the real praying part and what is this business of baptism in the Holy Spirit anyway?

(Speaking of Holy Spirit, I could use Your help right about now Sir.)

And oh yeah, there’s that book of Daniel and what does all that mean and then it came. That last question that formed over this…

“Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them.” (Daniel 10:12)

If God is so quick to answer, why did He wait so long to rescue her from her pain? She had prayed all those years, but nothing happened.

And I felt the gentle come to my heart as Holy Spirit split the humidity of our atmosphere and sat down at our table.

With some questions of my own she revealed that in her time in the pit she had believed in God, even loved God, but wanted nothing to do with Jesus or the bible.

So in the flutter of bible pages and notes, I told my own “rock bottom” story. That for me, it was only when Jesus was my only option that I finally surrendered and it’s sad, but for a lot of us, rock bottom is what it takes. And then our eyes met and I spoke what I wanted her to get most from this conversation.

Rock bottom is not what God wants, and the fact that it is often what we require is a testament to our hearts, not God’s.

I saw the softening as she agreed, and talked of the day she finally said ok, she would give this Jesus a try and that was when everything began to change.

She said she wanted to do more of this, so I promised her that we would do just that, and that I look forward to it.

Because with all her questions and suspicions and talk of tongues being “hooey”, God’s heart is crazy about this woman. And He looks forward to sitting with her in her favorite spot on the back porch, on humid days, chasing papers that flutter in the breeze, waiting to answer the real question in her heart.

And I get to watch the unfolding of a love story as a woman comes up from rock bottom and falls in love with Jesus.

It never gets old.

it was just two cents but it moved His heart

“Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a few cents. Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on.” Mark 12:41-44

Oh woman, did you even know that your two cents mattered?

Once again Jesus has all but stopped my heart with who He is. He sat down to watch and then with His crazy, upside down kind of love He showed her off to His disciples. Showed off the one who gave the least, while others were giving the most. God made much of a poor woman and her pennies.

We all feel poor with no more than pennies, really.

(But if grace were pennies we could buy the world.)

And here is what I want to know. When she opened her hand and let her pennies fall, did she know it mattered?

And it led me to the real question hidden in my heart.

And so for days this widow with her pennies has been following me around until I finally saw what He wanted me to see. I saw Him sit down to watch, and I saw that it was the giving of all she had that moved His heart.

And I knew my heart had been asking the wrong question. It is not ‘do I matter?’.

What matters to You?

It is the giving of everything, everything I have to live on. That matters to Him. That moves Him. When all I have is two pennies of hope at the moment, I can give it away and move the heart of God.

Because I get poor in hope sometimes, don’t you?

I can be so very poverty stricken in patience, in love. “…but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on.”

Every drop we pour out from our places of poverty matters to Him.

Every word written in the middle of the night because all we have are these words. Words that leave us vulnerable and exposed, and when we are done it feels like all we’ve given is two cents, buried under the wealth that others have given. But because it was all we had and we offered it up, it mattered to Him.

(I have to believe the words matter to Him, or they don’t matter at all.)

I may not move you. And if I matter to you, believe me I am grateful. But I have to wrestle that need to the ground and pin it tight.

Because what matters to Him has to matter more. Moving His heart must consume me more than moving yours.

Her pennies made no difference in anyone’s life, but they were all she had so she gave them up and it moved Jesus.

And it reminds me of another woman.

“A woman in that town who lived a sinful life learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee’s house, so she came there with an alabaster jar of perfume. As she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.

…Then He turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss,but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown.” Luke 7:37-48

Tears and perfume. Her love and her worship. It made no difference to anyone there, but it was all she had to give, so she gave it, and it moved His heart.

More than I want to matter, I want to move His heart.

Sometimes that’s all we have to give, isn’t it? Our love and our worship, coming out of imperfect, messy lives. Lives that matter to Him. Lives that make a difference because He is with us in the offering of our poverty. Whether we see it or not, feel it or not, our lives do matter. We matter. The enemy may tell us otherwise, but he is lying and he knows it. Because he was there that day.

He knows Jesus didn’t die for something that didn’t matter.

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agapaō

But we both live in a world that drinks down self-loathing that goes deep into hidden places.

If I loved my neighbor as I love myself, I would find their every flaw and never let them forget them. I would remind them of them every. single. day.

I am worth loving because God loves me and He does no unworthy thing.

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