this uterus and the hard parts of the story

On Friday, September 30th I had some tests done, including a biopsy. On October 5th I was told I had complex endometrial hypoplasia, which is a thickening of the uterine wall. The complex part means it is abnormal and “suspicious” of cancer, even though the biopsy did not show any cancer cells. So, on October 25th I will meet with an oncologist, who is likely to highly recommend a hysterectomy. So be it. Goodbye, uterus.

So I’ve been processing all the thoughts and all the feels. At first, fear hit and made it hard to breathe. I thought of the people I know who have succumbed to cancer in the last year, including my older sister. But since then, I’ve talked to a couple of other women, including my younger sister, who had this complex endometrial hypoplasia and are fine. No cancer. So my fear has subsided considerably. But through all of the processing, talking and crying to God, I’ve learned a few new things…

I can be afraid and still trust God. At first, I felt ashamed of being scared of this thing. My faith should be stronger than this, what will people think if they see fear in me, what kind of witness would that be, I need to be an example. But trying not to be afraid didn’t make me less afraid, it just kept my mind focused on the fear instead of on God. So I went to my favorite place in scripture, the Psalms, and discovered that often, David was afraid while he trusted God.

“Be gracious to me, Lord, for I am weak; heal me, Lord, for my bones are shaking; my whole being is shaken with terror…Turn, Lord! Rescue me; save me because of Your faithful love.” – Psalm 6:2-4

“How long will I store up anxious concerns within me, agony in my mind every day?…But I have trusted in Your faithful love; my heart will rejoice in Your deliverance.” Psalm 13:2,5

God, not fear, was always David’s final answer to his circumstances. Being afraid doesn’t mean fear gets to occupy the biggest place in my heart. It means that when I am afraid, I turn to the One I trust the most and I remember Him. I remember that Jesus holds my days, every single one.

When I am afraid, I put my trust in You. – Psalm 56:3   

“Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth—  everyone who is called by My name, whom I created for My glory, whom I formed and made.”     Isaiah 43:6-7

This has to be my bottom line, otherwise, my bottom line will be me, and that never turns out well. But if I allow this to be more about God than it is about me, my perspective shifts and I stop projecting this thing out to the worst possible outcome. Instead, I whisper to God, and pray that my whole heart believes it…“whatever this is, whatever comes, my life is Yours and You get to decide how You will be glorified through it.”  The greatest desire of my heart right now is that whatever comes, God will be seen for who He is in the midst of it.

{Honesty check:} Actually, that’s not quite true. My greatest desire is that my uterus would stop being suspicious, and all of this would magically go away. Barring that, then by all means…let God be seen and may great be His glory.

Whether this turns out to be a simple deal or the worst case scenario, one thing is absolutely certain.

It will change me, but it will not change God.

God will remain exactly who He was before October 5th. Before my uterus became such a big deal. He remains trustworthy and good. He will do what is right, what is good, what pleases Him. His love for me has not wavered, His plans for me have not been derailed. Fear will try to tell me otherwise, but I have determined in advance where I will stand. My legs may shake, but I will stand on the unchanging goodness of God.

“ Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.“   James 1:17

The problem with God speaking truth to us is that He doesn’t speak it to just make us feel good.

Truth must be lived out if it’s going to change us. 

This life is my journey to walk out, but it is not my story to write. If it were, I would write out all the hard parts, the painful parts, the parts that scare me. But those are the very parts that bring me to the place of surrender, that force me to choose faith again and again, that bring me back to the reality that I am not in control, but I belong to the One who is. As difficult as it is to walk in those places, I have become convinced that He casts His shadow deep and wide over the hardest parts of our story.

How priceless is your unfailing love, O God!
    People take refuge in the shadow of your wings. (Ps. 36:7)